SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Some truth finally came out yesterday as I have not really spoken to her over the last couple of days.

The suicide research and letters that I found were legit and she finally admitted it. WW said that after our previous "discussion" she was really thrown for a loop and upset and it go the best of her for a fleeting few minutes (her words). She said that she is upset that I am not getting through this and that she hurt me and that it has been so painful for me (blameshift again in a backhanded way) but that she doesn't know how to make things better and for a split second thought that would make things better.

That being said, I obviously think her problems are deeper than just what is going on with us and M/R/D will take a back seat at the moment to her getting counseling.

Outside of that, I am fully preparing for D mentally and financially. If we can eventually R, great, but I am not getting caught unprepared. I have a lawyer available to advise and if I choose to D my union will supply me with a lawyer at no cost, but I am socking away in order to have quick cash if needed.

As bad as things have gotten and as pessimistic as I am about R chances, I just want to make sure she gets the help she needs. I am no longer angry or even hurt at this point. I want her to be stable and happy and I want to be happy myself with or without her.

Ask your lawyer how her contemplating suicide affects custody. Nothing would be as bad as her doing something like that in front of the kids.

Ask your lawyer how her contemplating suicide affects custody. Nothing would be as bad as her doing something like that in front of the kids.

I 2nd that motion.

Htm2

I’m glad she admitted to it. And yes her getting support for these thoughts are top priority. Will she be in IC multiple days a week for the foreseeable future? Will they be discussing meds? Both are important.

Before you mentioned what you found on her tablet concerning her google search I was going to post about your relationship. But then I held off as nothing was as important as ensuring your WW did not harm herself.

I was going to say a few things at the time. And I still think they are pertinent so please indulge me.

1) I’m going to disagree with you that thru counseling someone cannot work thru a fetish. It sounds like this one was planted in her mind by someone else. I think there are possible some of it that was rooted in some type of abuse at some point. But I do think a therapist can at least get her to understand the need for it in your wife’s mind.

I would not simply wipe away the chance that thru work she can change and turn it into something you can agree to be a part of and include in your M. I am not saying you should accept anything you are uncomfortable with. I am just saying you should go into her counseling on this with an open mind.

2) I haven’t heard you ask her something and maybe I missed it. I would like to see you ask her “Are you in love with me, do you want to be married to me and if so, are you willing to be in an exclusive relationship where you never again have inappropriate interactions, emotional or physical, in person or remotely with anyone outside of me?”

I think you need to be as blunt as that. If she cannot say yes to all 3 questions, then let her know that’s a dealbreaker for you and you will work to move on to end the relationship. Let her know that it breaks your heart but that you cannot be in a relationship without those three conditions.

If she says yes to all three then it’s time to tell her that if she means it then she needs to do the work to convince that is true. It’s ok to tell her that if she does the work to turn your relationship into one that you feel safe in those three conditions then it’s possible for you to consider reconciling.

If she says she wants that but doesn’t know how to make it happen tell her you can work with her on that, that she doesn’t have to come up with it on her own, but it requires she commit to being honest from this point forward.

Let her know that the path back to a good marriage is through honesty. No more lying. That if you truly love someone you will honor them by not having secrets hidden from them.

If she can do that, then you can start the healing process and try to repair your marriage. If she cannot, then it will fail. It’s as Cut and dry as that.

Many times the WS is overwhelmed by what they need to do to repair what they have destroyed. They cannot conceive what it will take to fix things. Your WW sounds like such a person. It should not be on you to make that happen, however the truth is, if you want it to work, you at least have to give some guidance.

Once your WW works thru the self destructive thoughts she is having, I believe it’s important to have a discussion like I describe above.

By all means, get your ducks Lined Up in case of D. But if you really want to give your M and it’s “better or for worse” vows a chance, you should be open and honest about what you need from her to heal. Who knows, you just might take a lost soul and turn her into a remorseful rebuilder.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:32 PM, December 13th (Thursday)]

Stevesn,

I have actually had that conversation, not in those exact words but very similar. I also added to it that in order for us to continue that I need to KNOW that this will not happen again and that if it does there will not be another chance at rebuilding.

As for her fetish...well, we have discussed it at great length. I will say that I am on board with SOME of it, but I have also let her know in no uncertain terms that some of it is a hard no for me. She will have to live with that if she plans for our M to continue. Again, this conversation took place before I found this new stuff.

I know she spent time with her brother yesterday and hopefully she confided in him on some level. Like I said, even if our M does not work out, her life far outweighs our relationship. Right now the focus has to be on her getting better and getting into counseling.

She is absolutely overwhelmed by everything that happened as am I. Obviously for different reasons. Perhaps she has finally gotten to a level of understanding that now she truly knows how much damage she has done. I hate seeing her like this. I know she is a genuinely good person, but the underlying problem(s) has to be addressed whether by her therapist or herself.

I think that all this hit her like a ton of bricks. She probably thought everything was under control and then the shit hit the fan.

She has a lot of things going in under the surface including infidelity and fetishes. Are they out of the ordinary fetishes...oh wait that makes no sense. Are they shocking fetishes...?

Are you 100% sure (or as sure as you can be) that no in person contact was made?

It's good that you are /helping get her stabilized before moving to the next step. You need to take the suicide research serious no matter what she says.

Hang in there.

MB, I am as sure as one can be in this situation that there was no in person contact. He lives in Iowa and it would have been nearly impossible for her to pull that off. Add to that every message /email was in a future tense by the end. There were no specific plans to meet up but there were a few "oh we'll make that happen" and his suggestion that she move there.

Her fetishes.... I am super hesitant to specify but there are 2 very specific that she is into. I don't find either of them to be beyond the norm tbh as they are basically light bdsm and occasional dress up. Nothing that I would think are red flags tbh but the POS EAP was into wearing diapers and shitting / pissing himself and being mommied and he was basically trying to talk her into it. The other problem, like I mentioned earlier is that once I got some info I was able to find that he was waaaaay deeper into the child aspect of it than he let on to her. He is at the very least bi, into scat and followed pages that had people of very questionable "legal age" on them.

I agree that this has all hit her like a ton of bricks and the realization hit her all at once. Unfortunately she is laying in the bed she made.

Well she may feel "safe" by having this relationship with a man far away, if they were 100 miles apart eventually they would meet. Part of fantasy is keeping it a fantasy, the real world can wreck the dream.

Light BDSM and role play dress up is pretty common. I saw a documentary on the man as baby thing and it is...well, not for me! But in the doc it didn't bring up the pissing and shitting, which is a whole 'nother fetish.

She has learned that infidelity actions, whether online or in person have consequences. But those consequences should wait until the suicide issue is addressed

PS: How stupid is she that she gave her phone number and real name, does she never watch "Dateline" or "Law and Order"? Those two nuggets of info open most of the doors. Maybe she was thinking with what ever women have instead of the "little head" that men have.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:31 PM, December 14th (Friday)]

MB, That last bit about the phone number.... I absolutely lit her up about it. All you need is a number and you get any info you want. She was also using whatsapp which has a location option and I went off about that too. I could see her face sink when I said it and when I showed her what comes up witb a simple gooe search of her number. She stood silent with tears in her eyes because now not only had our marriage been destroyed but our kids were put in harm's way.

People can sugarcoat the baby diaper bullshit all they want. There is something wrong with you if you want to wear a diaper and piss and shit yourself. Even moreso with this guy because of the other stuff that came up. I know BDSM has become more mainstream because of FSOG and I sure don't begrudge people their fantasies but once it interferes with my life they can drop dead.

Believe it or not, I am finding a silver lining in this. Regardless of what happens, my older son and I are literally sitting and chatting and laughing every night now. He is a bit of a gamer when he isn't doing schoolwork so he doesn't really open up much but since D-Day we've gotten even closer than we already were. I know that he knows "something" is up but unlikely that he can put his finger on it. He hasn't asked about it, but has randomly come over and hugged me here and there. I guess I have a "tell". I'd be a bad poker player.... I can tell he is enjoying the extra time we are spending together as am I. WW has also noticed....

Kids always know a lot more than you think.

My son as a teen was able to figure out his mom must have cheated as the cause of divorce (I didn't tell him for a couple of years b/c he was 13), and he even managed to guess 2 of her APs. Kids. You really can't slip anything past them.

You're probably right. He's a very smart kid for sure. I also know he woke up during the "festivities" on DDay.

WW is out with her SIL this morning and SIL knows what is going on. The only one in the family who knows so hopefully I'll at least know how she is acting when I'm not around. Hopefully she isn't just putting on the game face for me.

SIL told me that she seemed perfectly fine when they were out. Either she's putting on a game face and there is a legitimate emotional issue on her end oe she is trying to distract me from the A and garner sympathy.

I've been so busy following Dan's thread that I haven't really thought much about my situation.

I had a minor breakdown yesterday while I was talking to her about something unrelated. I walked away and went about my business. She didn't even ask..... once she is in IC I will hopefully have a better grasp of what I want to do but it I'm not hopeful.

Turn of events. It may be a PA with different person. WW a little overdressed for work ..... here we go again.....

Office Christmas party, perhaps? My w dressed nice for work today bc of that.

Well if there is another AP that would explain her evasive behavior.

From here it looked like the suicide searches were there for you to find, hence why she left the phone out.

Someone else must know what is going on, but a VAR, or a PI, may be your only hope.

[This message edited by Decorum at 1:07 AM, December 22nd (Saturday)]

Christmas party is out because of where WW works. VAR being ordered as well as a mini cam. If I'm being punked it's time to find out for sure.

If you dont mind my asking, can you just stop by Walmart or somewhere and by a Sony, (if you put it up under the front seat double velcro it in place, also depending, sometimes 2 are nice to swap).

There are ways to precipitate a conversation that the VAR might catch as well.

Walmart stores near me don't have the auto recorders in stock unfortunately. No rush TBH. I can wait a few days. If it went PA then the damage is done anyway and it won't just be a one and done. That's a deal breaker without a doubt. No coming back from it when combined with the previous EA and lies that accompanied it.

I may have barked up the wrong tree. Apparently they have had the entire place open (warehouse type setting) and it's been freezing overnight. The clothes she put on were not what I thought they were....

That being said, is this normal? I thought my head was clearing a little but holy cow I am still so paranoid. I cannot wait to start IC.....