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During the A… Well, maybe I need to say "my affair" and actually own it… I always assumed that if I got caught, H and I would still stay together, if not romantically, then at least for our 4 yo daughter.

He recently started having this crisis where he realized that everyone he’s ever loved has hurt him: both of his parents (abuse, neglect, failure to safeguard), his ExW (emotional abuse and neglect, sabotage), his older daughters (abandonment in suspected retaliation for our relationship), and now, me (deceit, infidelity.) He’s asked me repeatedly whether I thought about the consequences of the affair on our marriage, and whether I thought it was worth potentially losing him over… I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I didn’t think he was going anywhere. I told him I "just didn’t think it through" and that I thought that the A would end on its own and be swept under the rug forever. (The last half of that is true, but certainly not the quotes.)

I don’t have the heart to tell him the whole truth about what I assumed. I don’t have the heart to tell him, when he asks what it is about him that causes his loved ones to hurt him, and what’s wrong with him that he still loves them and caters to them and chases their affection afterwards, that maybe he shouldn’t… Well, do that.

And I know that’s selfish, but I’m absolutely terrified of losing him now. I literally do not know what I would do without him. (And of course in my head, there’s still a little voice going "just tell him that you understand and that you’ll always wait for him, and then stay single, and probably in less than a year, he’ll come crawling back to you because you’re better than loneliness or having to start all over." Isn’t that just f***ed?)

And when the A was going on, I genuinely wasn’t able to conceptualize the consequences for H. Like, I knew that it would "hurt." I didn’t know the extent of that hurt, the absolute devastation, PTSD, physical symptoms, loss of self esteem, etc. etc., nor all the effects it would have on our relationship. People have asked me, "Well didn’t you think about how you would feel if he did that to you?" Yes, I did, but to be fair, I don’t think I would feel the same way at all. Like I think I would be upset if he lied to me repeatedly. But I don’t think I would be quite so hurt by the actual… interactions with an AP. I would wonder what it is that I’m not giving him, and figure out if I can give those things to him, and if I couldn’t, then, well… why shouldn’t he have two partners, especially if he’s still meeting all of my needs? I don’t think I’ve ever even experienced jealousy in that way; I just don’t think I have that brainfold.

I am experiencing a little bit of anxiety about losing him, though. Like if he were to have a revenge A, I would understand… but there is a tiny part of me that worries that a new love might be more exciting to him than a nearly decade old relationship, and what if she treats him better (you know, the way I did in the beginning)… and he leaves me? Even worse, what if he stays with me until our daughter leaves the nest, when I’m in my 40s, and then leaves me? I think I would just simply die if that happened. Or maybe (and I stress that this is a joke) I’d have to just take both of us out.

I guess this is just the consequence, isn’t it? This is what I have to live with now, because I went and caught feelings for a colleague on a two week work trip, and exchanged numbers, and sexted him, and tried to make plans to meet up with him again, and suspected he was lying to me, and failed to cut it off at any of those points.

This sucks so bad.

With respect...you sound like you have very little respect for your husband. I would be devastated if I saw my WH writing about me like this!

Hello. Former WH here. My BW and I just passed the 6 year anti-versary of D-Day back in May. We are continuing to heal and my gratefulness to her only increases each day. She is the true epitome of grace and I don't deserve any of it.

It really does suck. What makes it worse is all of it is our own doing.

You have been heard. I was very guilty of the same thoughts while actively cheating. I don't need to tell you that all of that thinking was a steaming pile of bullshit come D-Day.

The one thing I did right on D-Day and in the immediate days following was confess and timeline everything. Not just about the EAP who outed me with an anonymous letter, but all the other affairs and sneaking around. I also had the advantage of being in IC for 6 months when the dam broke, though I really screwed it up by refusing to self-disclose when my therapist was encouraging me to. All of this to say that when my BW confronted me out of the blue with the letter from my EAP, I had already resigned myself to the terror of losing her.

I don’t have the heart to tell him the whole truth

Gently, you didn't have the heart to consider him while you were in the A either. But right now he's giving you the chance to change that. Notice where I cropped your quote. Honesty at all times is more crucial than ever. Lies of omission are still lies. They keep those walls up in the marriage that need to be torn down. Be humble, be vulnerable, let him know you're hearing him.

I am experiencing a little bit of anxiety about losing him, though. Like if he were to have a revenge A, I would understand… but there is a tiny part of me that worries that a new love might be more exciting to him than a nearly decade old relationship, and what if she treats him better (you know, the way I did in the beginning)… and he leaves me? Even worse, what if he stays with me until our daughter leaves the nest, when I’m in my 40s, and then leaves me? I think I would just simply die if that happened. Or maybe (and I stress that this is a joke) I’d have to just take both of us out.

You have no idea how you would react if you were in his shoes. None of us do. That's just more wayward thinking. No matter what your BH decides to do, either now or in the future, is his decision. The most important thing for you is to heal yourself and help him any way you can, regardless of the outcome.

I guess this is just the consequence, isn’t it? This is what I have to live with now, because I went and caught feelings for a colleague on a two week work trip, and exchanged numbers, and sexted him, and tried to make plans to meet up with him again, and suspected he was lying to me, and failed to cut it off at any of those points.

Things are really raw right now. I beat myself up plenty over the first 2 years or so of R. Shame spirals are just awful and when you're stuck in one, it seems like you'll never break the surface again. But no, you don't have to "live" with this. There is a way forward and coming here is a big first step.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm not the best writer and mostly lurk now, but posts like this really do help. No stop sign on your post, so you will be hearing from betrayeds as well as other waywards who will give you further insights. Please keep coming back.

@Evio I hate when other people try to tell me how I feel about my own husband. "Demonstrating respect/behaving respectfully towards" is different from "feeling respect for" someone. I know having an A was disrespectful behavior, in that time period. But I respect him more than I could describe, and more than anyone else I know… I do have these thoughts that can come off as sociopathic/clinical/narcissistic (such as "he’d come crawling back", but I’m capable of recognizing their nature and rejecting them.

@SkipThumelue Thank you for your thoughtful response.

I wasn't telling you how you feel...I was saying it SOUNDS like you don't respect him, and I was saying how I WOULD FEEL as a betrayed spouse reading your post.

What is the point of saying "you sound like you have very little respect for your H" rather than asking "Do you respect your H?" if not to make assumptions about how it is I feel? I don’t see a situation in which that would ever be helpful.

TW,

Tell him the truth all of it without omissions or minimisations.

Offer to write out in a notebook the details of the affair.

It sounds as if everyone that matters to him lied to him digging the hole deeper with more lies is not helping. Start filling it with the truth maybe you can regrow some trust.

He knows your still lying, but is too crushed by your confirmation, in his mind,of his worthlessness

MH here, from a long-dead relationship. Am happily married now for over 30 years and counting.
I'll pile on to what Evio said, but I'll acknowledge your preferred phrasing. There's common advice around here to only trust behavior in the context of an affair, and your behavior and current descriptions are a tell that you do not, nor did you, respect your husband. I don't know how you feel, exactly, but I don't see respect, nor remorse.
I see regret, e.g. the devastation you wrought on your husband must make you feel bad. But you do not seem to be putting him first. I still see mild justification in how you're feeling. Plus, it's all about you. How you would feel if he...That's wayward thinking still.
Plus, 2x4 here, you have no idea how you would feel if he cheated because he didn't cheat. No one knows until it happens to them. As indicated above, my former fiancee and I both cheated, her first and then me in revenge. In my anger following discovery, I asked her how she'd feel if I cheated and she sounded much like you. I then followed through, and she was devastated. More so than me, from what I could tell. So, no, let go of that idea.
I have to admit, few waywards use language like this here, even in pointing out their own fucked up selfish and entitled thinking:

he’ll come crawling back to you because you’re better than loneliness or having to start all over." Isn’t that just f***ed?)

That was jarring to read. If I knew your husband, I would advise him to run as quickly as possible if you really ever felt that way. I suspect you'll say that you of course don't, it was just an illustration of how vile your thought process was. But still...
I also challenge you to reframe your thinking. This line

...and what if she treats him better (you know, the way I did in the beginning)

stands out to me. Put it this way. Virtually every other woman in the world is a better candidate for marriage than you (and presumably his ex) because those women did not destroy him the way you did. You are no longer some kind of prize, and it would take years of hard work for both of you. Even then, you'll likely never be on the pedestal he had you on before. Just know that.
A few questions to fill in the blanks.
It may be helpful to understand better what your A entailed. How long did it go on? Was it someone he knew? Was it in your marital home? Did you give him things you didn't give your BH? None of this is to be salacious, rather they are details that may influence the likelihood that he may be able to accept what you did to your family.
Also, are you saying he somehow brought this on himself by putting his family on a pedestal?
Why do his daughters dislike you? I assume they disliked you before your A. Do they know about it?
Last, why, exactly

And I know that’s selfish, but I’m absolutely terrified of losing him now

?
Keep posting, and stay strong.

Treading, you may not realize this, and I'm sure you don't, but my impression on reading your comments was the same as Evio's. You don't respect your husband. I don't think you do now even though you can't see it or it pains you to think of this, but obviously that's the way you come across at least to some people. You might consider whether there is something to this. I don't have a lot of time right now to fully say what respect or disrespect might be, but I think you take him for granted, or at least you did. Now that you've done some damage you fear that he might leave and that would leave you without various things. What do you really fear losing? Him personally as a human, or things he provides, or status, etc? These are all things to consider.

As for this pattern that seems to occur with your husband, it might be because of his childhood abusive "training" from his parents he might unconsciously seek out people or situations that replicate this in some way because it's what he's used to. Even abuse can provide a certain comfort level if it's what we're familiar with. We often tend to marry our parents in some sense. So he might consider how he's possibly replicating old situations and sensations with other people. Probably the best way to do this topic is with IC as it is a painful one, especially when we consider how we might be unconsciously sabotaging ourselves, possibly for years. Perhaps as applies to your relationship there are elements here even from the beginning that might replicate those parental situations. Perhaps you two have been filling old roles neither of you is really aware of.

I'm not trying to hurt you here, but hopefully trying to give you my possible insights into what is happening with you two, and what is repetitive in his relationships in general.

@survrus He’s been depressed for the last few days, and was struggling to do the things he needed to do at work. I went to call him, in tears, to admit that I’m terrified of losing him and that’s why I’d been (probably poorly, attempting to) conceal that I didn’t expect he would leave when I was having the affair. But right as he picked up the call, he sounded in a better mood, so instead I pivoted to asking if his day is productive. He said it has been, thanks for asking, and we scheduled a gym date instead. I made a new note in my phone titled "saved thoughts for couple’s counseling" and wrote it down there instead, since our CC is going to cause him to think about the A again at that point, anyway.

@1994 I’ve interacted with enough abusers to understand that someone who continues to insist they know how I feel better than I do, in a twisted, round-about way while maintaining that they aren’t doing that, and who twists what I say out of context, doesn’t have my best interests at heart. So I will not be responding to that part. But to answer your questions:

I didn’t seek out this A. I went away for 2 weeks for my job and started talking with (literally talking with, not the Gen Z "talking with") a colleague, and feelings developed so gradually that I was able to sort of gaslight myself about them not being real at all…We kept it professional and platonic during that time— no physical contact beyond a brief parting hug. Before we left, we exchanged numbers, and we were in contact for about 4 weeks after I got home from the trip.

I live in PA and he lives in TX (which is part of the reason I could rationalize exchanging numbers: "this won’t go anywhere; we live too far apart"), and the conversations became flirty and eventually sexual. I was attempting to arrange a meet up over another weekend away for work. It didn’t end up happening because D-day happened a few days prior, at which point I attempted to go NC with AP (though I expect it wouldn’t have come to fruition anyway because AP was giving me the run around with any concrete details about flights or a hotel, and I was seriously considering cutting it off at that point… "attempted to go NC" because he contacted me later, at which point I told him off for pursuing a married person, with H’s explicit permission and knowledge of course.)

H doesn’t know him personally, but he did google and learn an awful lot about him after he found out about the A…My stepdaughters and I have had a rocky relationship from the start, because H and I began seeing each other very shortly after their parents’ separation, and we didn’t give them the appropriate amount of time to process that before proceeding with introductions and living together and having a child of our own… We are on better terms now, though. Nobody knows about the infidelity except us, my mother, and our CC.

The affair is solely my fault; I will never say nor imply he "brought this upon himself." Same with all of the other horrific treatment he’s suffered at the hands of his loved ones… I do think he often fails to put appropriate distance between himself and people who treat him poorly, and he tends to try to win back their favor instead.

TW,

This is difficult, so I understand the emotions are raw. The questions I asked are very common details that are extremely tough for BHs to accept. BWs as well, but I'm only speaking from my own experience. If those are things that happened, you need to know that it will likely be very hard for him to hear.

Ok, so you respect your husband. Understand. I and others are pointing out that your words do not seem consistent with respect. I and others only know what you post and that's all anyone has to go by.

For another example, this

what it is about him that causes his loved ones to hurt him, and what’s wrong with him that he still loves them and caters to them and chases their affection afterwards, that maybe he shouldn’t… Well, do that.

sounds like you're saying he somehow contributes to others abusing him. As in, BJB's explanation of people seeking out abusive relationships would fit in this case, i.e. "brought this upon himself." Hence the question.

Also, it sounds like it wasn't a PA? This may be a bit cliche, but the general pattern here is that BHs have a harder time with PAs and BWs have a harder time with EAs (sorry for all the acronyms). Do with that what you will.

Bottom line, no one is here to abuse you, and no one is twisting anything to mean anything other than trying to ascertain the facts. If you're here because you want to learn how to help your husband get out of your infidelity, then you're in the right place.

[This message edited by 1994 at 7:49 PM, Tuesday, September 2nd]

I do think he often fails to put appropriate distance between himself and people who treat him poorly, and he tends to try to win back their favor instead.

Is this why you were convinced he wouldn't leave you over infidelity?

And if he learns to put "appropriate distance between himself and people who treat him poorly," are you headed for divorce?

Perhaps you'll answer me, a total stranger on the internet. That you "don't have the heart" to explain this to him, however, is extremely selfish and, I think, short-sighted.

Reconciliation requires honesty, candor, and a shit-ton of courage. Half measures and rationalizations won't cut it.

Be honest.

As for knowing how you'd feel being a betrayed spouse... maybe you're far more self-aware than the "average Jane," but if that was true, you'd have never had an affair.

I would wonder what it is that I’m not giving him, and figure out if I can give those things to him...

So, your affair happened because he wasn't giving you... whatever? It's his fault for not fulfilling whatever it is that you need?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:13 PM, Tuesday, September 2nd]