Hey everyone, i hope you are all having a good day. I feel the need to share my story as i dont necessarily have an outlet apart from this forum and im hoping to get some insight into what steps i should take.
I have been with my partner in a relationship for 8 years. He wasn't a bad partner at all during our relationship, although emotionally he was very cold and distant, it was evident that we actually loved each other very much. We even had religious issues as we are from different faiths, and he literally stood up for us against his parents to get married to me. He was even ready to get married to me, even if his parents didnt come to the wedding.
Last year we got married and 5 months into our marriage, i had my Discovery day on the 3rd of November 2024. I found out that he had been meeting up with sex workers to get blow jobs. I confronted him, and he told me he has been seeing sex workers way before we got into a relationship, and he was continuing to do this on autopilot. He told me that he was introduced to sex workers at university, and him and his boys would casually go to see sex workers for fun after nights out. Although i do not agree to this part, i do understand how sometimes teenagers/ young adults can get influenced and do things for 'fun' especially at that age; plus the hookup culture at university itself, might have made it acceptable in his head. Also he admitted to me that he had been watching porn from the age of 15, and he continued to watch porn and masturbate. I told him i feel uncomfortable about him basically having virtual sex with other females, and he claims he genuinely stopped watching porn but continued to masturbate over me, which i was fine with. But now ive found out about his use sex workers.
After he went to his individual therapy, we realised that his porn and sex worker usage was due to childhood trauma. He has a huge father wound as his dad has constantly criticised him for many years and also his mother was emotionally unavailable too, as she was having an affair herself. He describes his childhood as being neglected by his parents and he learnt to compartmentalise from young. Whenever he felt lonely and upset he'd go and watch porn to self soothe. He then got used to his self soothing behaviour as time went on. Then when sex workers got introduced he started to view them as part of his self soothing fantasy world too. He said he didnt even know that he was cheating. When he watches porn or is with sex workers, he feels like hes in a different world and hes not himself. And that he had no intentions of tricking me, and that he basically tricked himself. He keeps claiming that he didnt know that he was cheatint ( im not even sure if this is possible and if i can believe that part) but part of me believes it, because he also tricked his own family! He was crying and crying for many months and i couldnt help but have empathy for him and give him another chance, as i believe he had unhealthy coping mechanisms due to childhood neglect and his dad till this day always attacks him and bullies him, and it makes me so angry!
Now the part i am hurting so much about is, over the fact that we got into a relationship in his final year of university and he carried on seeing sex workers.
Initially i couldnt help but blame myself, as i was someone who was saving myself for marriage and was very conservative. I was reluctant to be sexual with him due to my own values- for many years, almost 6 years!! Thinking back at this, i do regret it. I saved myself for my husband, but my husband ended up cheating on me with sex workers anyways lol, what a slap in the face. Also theres a part of me that feels guilty that i didnt sexually please him. However, after having many conversations, he did tell me that him seeing sex workers were due to his own damaged self, and coping mechanisms and he believes that regardless of me being sexual with him or not, he thinks he would have still seen them.
I was absolutely devastated that i was waiting sooo long to get married him and i was soo excited and for me to find out that he has been cheating on me the entire time. I actually saved myself for him and lost my virginity to him too. To think that my virginity probably didnt mean much to him, hurts so much.
So after discovery day i wanted to get a divorce. However as we were unable to get legally divorced as it hadn't been a year yet, although i lived with him, i took my time to think about whether i wanted to try marriage or not. For for about 6 months he was begging and begging me to try marriage, and promised me that he would do anythingggg to make the marriage work. After thinking about it for 6 months, i agreed to do marriage as long as he kept up with some of my requirements.
My first requirement was that he had to go to individual therapy. Then i also said i would like to go couples counselling, and that he should attend SAA meetings once a week and be in the 12 steps recovery programme.
The funny thing is that, as soon as i gave him a chance with marriage things started turning again. The way he was sooo sweet during the 6 months of me taking my time to decide and the way he flipped after i agreed to do marriage, honestly is crazy.
He attempted to do the SAA meetings, however after about 3 sessions, he stopped attending. When i confronted him, he kept giving excuses about how hes been busy etc. then for weeks and weeks ive been begging him to attend, just because it helps my head and my anxiety seeing him try for marriage or doing the work. He then kept saying its draining him out and its making him feel depressed. Which is fair enough. But for me this seems unfair, as i am only asking him to sacrifice an hour a week to a programme that would help me. He kept telling me that the programme wasnt for him, since he is not an addict, as he has been able to stop his porn usage and seeing sex workers. I said thats fine, but my requirement for marriage was that he should attend SAA meetings. I have been begging him and having anxiety attacks on a weekly basis, and he leads me on every week that he would do it and never does it.
Similarly i asked him to wipe his phone completely as i would not want him to have any sex workers contact numbers etc, he then told me he wants so save some family pictures on his phone and would wipe everything after. Again this got dragged out for 2 whole months, until one day i lost my shit and ended up wiping his own myself.
Also after i gave marriage a go, he stopped with his individual therapy too, because he felt like he figured out the root cause of his issue and he didnt see the need to carry on going. Again i told him i have an issue with this and that i would like him to book for more sessions and its a free service his workplace offers him.
When i asked him why hes not keeping up with the things i ask of him, he told me that i have asked alot of him and hes trying to keep up but hes struggling.
I am now in a position of having given up on him and the marriage. Although i really do wish we can make this work.
I am so conflicted because although he hasnt been sticking to my requirements, he has been doing so many other positive things. Since discovery day, he has become a better man. He now always cleans up after himself, he runs all the errands, all the grocery shopping, he cooks for the both us us ( i dont remember the last time i cooked or took care or grocery). He drives me to all my makeup bookings at ungodly hours at like 1am and sleeps in the car, as i am a makeup artist, he makes an effort to make time for my family, he always talks about children and how he wants us to be a happy trauma free family. Hes also been attending couples counselling with me, although a part of me thinks that its because the counsellor books it with us, and not because hes taking initiative. ( we have not stopped couples counselling as we feel as though she is not helpful for betrayal trauma). He shows me alot of affection, he takes praying seriously. Hes been doing alot of things that i would want my husband to do. Hes never used to do any of these things before! He used to be a couch potato. He would just sit there watching football on telly for hours and hours. Nows hes so productive around the house and does so much to help me. He also takes initiative to send me pictures of the location hes at whenever we steps out, and shows me his bank statements and lets me see his gym access portal for timings etc.
Although i appreciate all the helpful gestures he does for me, i cant help but have so much resentment for him, as i feel like he is not addressing my betrayal trauma needs. Emotionally i feel unsafe with him still, because i feel like hes not doing the 'work' that helps me feel safe.
I have currently asked him for some space to reflect on everything. I feel tired of constantly begging him to help me feel safe. And the fact that hes refusing to do the 'work', makes me feel like he thinks he can just get away by being a 'good husband'. Its not about just being a good husband anymore, i feel as though he needs to address the betrayal trauma he caused, not just brush past it. I feel so conflicted, i can see he does alot of acts of service for me, and he keeps telling me that hes trying for me, but hes not trying for me in the way id like him to try for me.
At the current age i am, i was ready to start having children. He even told me that he wants to start a family himself too! But the way hes being, its making me confused. I cant help whether he is serious about making this marriage work or not. I do believe he is fearfully avoidant, so i dont know if this has anything to do with his avoidance of doing the work?
My question is, what should i do? I cant even tell if hes a good person or not? I am beyond confused. I dont know if im wasting myself with someone thats just gaslighting me, or if he genuinely loves me, but i just need to take some time to be a bit flexible with him as its only been 4 months of us trying marriage again?? If someone who has managed to successfully reconcile and make their marriage work or someone who is in the process like myself, could please give me some valuable advice that would be greatly appreciated!
