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I feel stuck. BH and I have been talking a lot about the A, which I thought was supposed to help us move towards healing. Lately it just seems to upset him. I’ve been as transparent as I could be and communicative about my plans/whereabouts throughout the day. I’m trying to apologize frequently and where appropriate, listen to his feelings, answer his questions, give him a view of what was going on inside my head at the time, offer reassurance that it won’t happen again, that I want to be here with him and that our marriage can still be good, and show him that I’m working towards making fundamental changes to my character…

I don’t think he believes a lot of what I’m telling him, and I understand, partly, why: I’m no longer trustworthy and my actions contrast with what I say I feel towards him. But it also feels like something in his head is twisting things around, and I can’t reach him to encourage him to challenge those twisted thoughts.

For example, he really valued our ability to communicate well for all the years we’ve been married, but a big part of how this A came to pass was miscommunication about unmet needs (I was asking for things and not getting them because BH didn’t understand what I was asking for, and I started getting them from the AP while still trying to ask for them from BH, but BH sensed that there was an A going on and withdrew, and this made it more difficult for me to end the affair of my own accord because I believed BH was unable or unwilling to meet those needs and I was scared of going back to going without, all the while failing to understand why he was further withdrawing… It was a huge mess that resulted from a simple miscommunication.)

In his mind, this somehow means that all the years where we did communicate effectively are all null, and that his perception of them is inaccurate… But that’s just not true, is it? It’s extremely upsetting to me, and I’m trying to respond with compassion instead of frustration, but it’s difficult. I suggested he talk it over with his IC, but I worry the way he’ll present it to his IC will make it seem like that’s the truth and this will result in the IC not encouraging him to question the untrue thoughts, and then I’ll look like I’m being manipulative when I’m just trying to be comforting and helpful and to keep us moving in the right direction…

I know it’s going to take a lot of time for him to process this and for us to recover from it, and that we’re only 2 months out from D-Day…It just seems like nothing is helping him actually feel better, and that our progress is stalling. I feel like initially we came closer together, but now we are starting to drift apart again— or at least, he is drifting away from me. I know I’m supposed to let go of the outcome, but my anxiety that he’ll leave me is through the roof, and I’m feeling the urge to distance myself emotionally to lessen the pain if that happens… I know that’s not the right thing to do, but it’s really hard not to.

Everything just hurts.

Another example is that he’s convinced himself that I don’t want to be in this marriage with him because I only ended the A after I got caught, instead of ending it myself and confessing to him. The reality is that I wanted the things I was getting from the AP from BH all along, that the AP was just a pretty shitty substitute, and there was never a thought of leaving BH. I was genuinely surprised (confused, even) when BH asked me what I "wanted to do" on D-Day when he confronted me about the A. To me, it wasn’t even a question.

A lot of things I’ve read mention the WS having a period of indecision where they can’t decide whether to stay with their spouse and cut off the AP, or leave their spouse and be with the AP. I never experienced that. I sent the AP the NC text as soon as I realized I needed to do that, a few hours after BH confronted me. (I was in shock and was panicking as I realized the damage I had done, of course; that’s why it took me hours instead of being immediate.)

But in BH’s mind, I only ended the A because I was at suddenly risk of losing the dream home and comfortable life we have together, and that I really want to be with AP. It doesn’t seem like anything I say, no matter how much I insist that he is my home, that I don’t want the AP back, or that yeah, it would suck to have to figure out a way to make money and make child custody arrangements and move out and all that, but I could do it just fine— the real devastation for me would come from losing him— it doesn’t seem like he’s ever going to believe me. I’m wondering if he even wants to believe me, or if he’s concocting these untruths in his head as a means of allowing himself to gain emotional distance and leave the marriage.

Keep doing what you’re doing.

Smile at him, a lot.

Patience. It’s going to take a lot longer than you want it to. A lot longer. Not months. Years.

Best wishes.

What you’re seeing from your BS is all the classic traumas that are brought forth by what you did.

My advice? Instead of working hard to convince him his feelings and thoughts are wrong, concentrate on putting yourself in his shoes and really understanding why he believes what he does.

I guarantee you I felt the same way as he did and it lasted a long while.