SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven't been here in a very long time… coming up on 14 years since initial discovery (Sep 25, 2011), so this time of year is always VERY triggery for me. We have reconciled, but the pain from these triggery times is no less intense since day 1-- just far less common as the years roll on.

I have an extensive set of documents from the A… journals, notes from therapy, messages between them, quotes and threads from SI I saved, etc, etc. I rarely go back and look at any of that stuff, but I have a strong attachment to it, and have not deleted any of it. I can't logically provide a reason why, but if I had to guess, it's "proof" this thing happened; justification or rationalization for why I feel the way I do, and a history of how we got here. It's probably 90% nasty, destructive material, so it's just stupid to hold on to it, but man… I am struggling to dump it and can't put a name on the fear behind that.

Anyone else have this 'lockbox' of artifacts? I need help understanding why the need to keep it, and maybe just some blunt advice that it needs to go.

Often enough we let trauma define who we are rather than merely something that happened to us. I'm simplifying, of course, because there's far more to it than this.

You're holding on to this library because, I suspect, you think by getting rid of it you're losing a part of your identity, an aspect of who you are as a person. Plenty of betrayed spouses experience the same thing, including me. We hold on to everything because we've allowed the trauma to define us.

In truth, however, it's just baggage. Letting go is liberating.