SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One of the few reasons my WW gave for her affair was that I have erectile dysfunction, and that made her feel like she wasn't attractive. Which was super painful to hear because it's like not only do I have erectile dysfunction, but because I do my wife had an affair. It's like saying I'm ugly but I'm also so ugly no one loves me.

The ED is physical and mental, and started years ago when I got a vasectomy (so that my WW wouldn't have to get a hysterectomy, which is like an extra pain point!).

The good news is that about a year ago I found a new doctor that helped me tremendously, and as far as I can tell I'm about 90% effective now, which gives me a lot of confidence to perform. I'm not totally sure how effective I am because the day I got the meds, my WW stopped having sex with me. It's been 7 months of taking daily pills (a combination of 4 different things) and that's the day she just stopped. Her timing is impeccable!

Anyway, I shared all that for two reasons. 1) Background, 2) So that I can ask the following questions of both men that have experience with ED, and women that have experience being with men with ED.

What I'm curious about is how men and women feel about it? How do you navigate it? What are the challenges? And what role if any do you think it may have played in affairs that impacted your marriages?

Prior to getting the right meds, I found that my WW just couldn't be vulnerable enough with me to help with the mental aspects of ED. The physical part was essentially just a handicap, that neither of us could do anything about. But like, my WW has some real issues with not being able to get outside of her own head, and it's like she needs me to be hard and orgasm before she can orgasm. Whereas I feel like because I know that's what she needs, it's just that much more pressure on me to perform, which seems unfair for someone with a physical issue.

Ideally, I really wish she would just be happy to orgasm and kind of let me do whatever I need to do without putting all the weight on me.

Interested to hear if anyone else has had the same issues, or if there are other challenges that I'm not even thinking about. As I move closer to divorce, I'm thinking long term about how I might interact with a new partner. It seems like as men get older this is something that many women would have experience with, and it would be great to hear what a good experience might look like. I definitely have concerns about how to even approach this subject with someone. Luckily this is something that I don't have to worry about at all since I'm still married. But I'm super curious how people deal with this when they meet new partners.

Mr Characters! :)

When I married - could go more than half a dozen times a day. 'wore her out'

As aging changes I learned a few things: 1st is sex partner must be sexually attractive.
Physical fitness is required.
Alcohol will kill your willy - for several days if you really 'tie one on'
Most important for the marital couple - the have to LIKE each other and also be bluntly intimate friends.

Now push a lot of decades and retired - and stuff is changed and probably still changing.

First - just wouldn't get stiff enough (love the British term: "Stiffy" !!)
So - got a rubber "o" ring (actually first one was off a deceased halogen headlight bulb!) - but ornery to get on/off sometimes.
Found something that is made like a Western Tie - the thing that is like a string with a sliding button the ends go through.
Learned how to get it on and it works great - as long as I can get in the mood.
Tried Viagra - didn't make much, if any, difference. Then Cialis - that works better for me.

Another note - treating your partner right (so as to keep that fire ready to start) is all-day/night job. A few evil or deprecating words can kill her willingness in a heartbeat. Be nice 24x7

We do talk about what we like and help each other with finding the right spots to do whatever. Tried some kinky stuff too - but found it to be too artificial or bothersome to get into. Backdoor - tried it - we both decided it wasn't way over-rated. (in our case anyway)
No bondage or anything causing pain or bruises!!!

One more consideration - (well two) - I had to learn to get over mind-movies of her cheating over 4 decades ago. Took awhile. A long while. . .

#2 - women have (%??) issues with their hardware too - just different. My wife has the beginnings of vaginal prolapse which makes her very self concsious. Told her no worries - as long as I can get my cookies off - I'm FINE!!

Also - we have some toys - some especially for her and a few for me to enhance the "o" ring idea. Also very stretchy to get on to where needed.

Then for some "warmer-upper" we have a

We can take turns with it on each other. Funny fact - one of our cats *loves* a bit of massage also and as soon as he hears the thing running, jumps on the bed waiting for his turn.

Last thing I can think of - absolute cleanliness - we do 'stuff' that would not be fun if BO (or other smells) present.
I have a equivalent to a Bidet in the shower to make sure everywhere is absolutely clean and deodorized.

We don't care to watch/read about pornography. Most I've even see is faked garbage. More interesting (!??) to watch two exhibitionists on a beach @ Ocracoke!

Have you been STD tested given you WS activities? Also, have you got over the whatever she did with whoever so you aren't thinking of that when trying to get worked up?

Sad to read of your issues compounded by her low morality.

Wish you well going forward.

Woman here, weighing in. Hippo is right that we sometimes have trouble with our "hardware" too. For me it peaked during perimenopause - just a total inability to orgasm (though it all felt nice) and then a major loss of libido. Up until then, WS and I were pretty well matched in the bedroom. He would have occasional issues, usually after drinking, but his diagnosed ED and taking pills began a few months after his affair started. (He claims that he and AP weren't yet "going all the way" but they were definitely intimate.)

At the time, I had no clue about the affair. He was overworked, overweight, and snoring badly, and those were easy explanations for me to accept as the cause of his ED. The pills worked okay enough, though he had to experiment a bit with dosage. Around a year after the affair started, he claimed his libido switched off and we entered our dead bedroom phase. That was a lot more emotionally confusing and hurtful to me than his ED.

Fast-forward 2 years. Post dday, post STD testing, etc., he still had ED issues, maybe worse than before. Our sex life was still pretty terrible (what's the opposite of hysterical bonding?). He said he felt bad about the ED and worried that I'd feel rejected by his inability to perform. He also started to have very high blood pressure around that time and the pills were giving him headaches. With all that, he stopped having sex with me again, and that made me feel 1000% more rejected than the ED.

Eventually it came out that he "sometimes" needed the pills with AP, but not always. With me, he always needed them, and even with the pills, sometimes things didn't work. I did my best not to pressure him - we did sensate focused touching, non-PIV activities, whatever. I was so starved for touch and sexual contact, I was ready to accept anything, and he couldn't even do that for me. I think I had a big thread about it here around that time.

Ultimately that's what killed my desire for him. It wasn't his ED. It was his obvious lack of desire for me - or his inability to see beyond his own guilt and self-pity (the result for me was the same). In your case, I think your WW is walking a similarly dangerous road that might eventually snuff the flame of desire you have for her.

After dday, the remorseful WS will show you how much they want you, and that includes catering to your needs in the bedroom (in whatever creative ways work for both partners). If they can't do that, I don't know about you, but in my case, resentment and hurt built up. I discovered that orgasmed better on my own than with him (for the first time in our 30 years together). One day, we got into bed to have sex, and I just started crying (before anything even happened). I couldn't bear the thought of him touching me. And that was the the last straw. A couple weeks later, I told him I wanted to separate.

Hippo, wtf is that thing? It looks like a supercharged ford engine with headers.