Can you make yourself value something you don’t?
I don’t value honesty in and of itself. I just don’t. It’s hardly ever served me better than convenient lies have. It’s been really helpful in covering my butt and getting me what I want.
And if I’m being totally honest, sometimes lying is fun. Sometimes it’s fun to pretend that the truth is something it’s not, and to play that out in real life. To be someone you’re not, even if only for a little while. Sometimes it’s like a game to see if you can win someone over, or gain social status. Sometimes it’s like a little riddle: "How do I get out of this, with maximal benefit to me?" Like, I listen to true crime podcasts often, and I try to figure out— and I can’t stress this enough: HYPOTHETICALLY— how I would go about escaping the law if I were to murder someone, daydreaming about every little contingency, savoring the puzzle…Not that I would ever kill anybody, of course!
But it’s not good to be a dishonest person, especially if you’re trying to R&R from infidelity and remain married. Especially if your dishonesty hurts other people. So here I am, trying to become a more honest person, if only in behavior, not because I inherently value honesty. And I think that would be fine… except for the fact that’s not what BH wants. He wants me to become more honest because I value it, and it’s the right thing to be and all that, not just because I fear the end of our marriage and I want him to trust me again. Not just because I want him to feel safe and to heal…
But I don’t. That’s not me. I value him, and I value our marriage, and I value our (mostly) intact family and the stability it offers our daughter, and a bunch of other tangible things that require me to be honest. But I don’t value honesty. The closest I can imagine myself getting is getting a little *ding!* of serotonin from doing the honest thing, even if my first instinct is to be dishonest, and then patting myself on the back and thinking how proud BH would (should?) be of me, and calculating how many imaginary trust points that earns me… Isn’t that totally fucked up? I don't see me feeling proud of myself for choosing honesty; I think I'm more prone to feeling stupid for electing to disadvantage myself, except for the fact that it's done in the name of love.
Is there a way to make me value it? Can you make yourself value things that you don’t?
---
I don’t know if I can ever be this ideal spouse that BH wants, who has the same values as him and never feels temptation. I don’t know if I’ll ever be enough… but I’ll fucking die trying to be, if I have to.
[This message edited by DayByDay96 at 11:25 PM, Monday, October 13th]
