… That I’ve felt bad enough about what I did, for long enough?
I’ve been reading here and on other infidelity support forums for several months now, and while there is lots of helpful information, the occasions where a BS makes a negative comment or assumption about all WS in general seem to really make me bristle. I find myself having imaginary arguments with the posters in my head for much of the day. I was trying to figure out why that was happening, as it’s very disruptive. I think it might be because I have a deep need to feel like I’m a good person worthy of love and marriage, and there’s some insidious voice inside of me that keeps saying that isn’t true. It latches onto those negative comments online, amplifies them, and plays them on repeat, and I’m scrambling to defend myself and the last, struggling bit of self-worth I have from it.
I don’t want to forget my infidelity, because I think it’s important to keep myself vigilant for any warning signs that I’m at risk of doing it again… But I don’t think this amount of guilt and shame and thinking about it that I’m doing now is of much benefit, if any, to me or my husband. It feels like not my place to decide when I’ve felt badly enough, for long enough, but maybe I can? I have a plan in place to keep my marriage safe while I work on myself. I’ve introspected a ton and identified key issues to resolve. Maybe I can just focus on that instead of my infidelity, and save thinking about it for when BH is triggered or seeking comfort/answers?
Am I treading the line between self-forgiveness and… I don’t know, letting myself off the hook? (Does that make sense to anyone, or just to me?)
