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I realize I am early in my reconciliation journey, but I am finding myself being very anxious (to the point of feeling like I am having a panic attack) when I am not with my wife (even thinking about it sometimes when I know we are going to be separated). I am not working right now (contemplating full retirement, but trying to avoid making any big decisions until we are further along in our healing) so am fortunate that we are together almost every day all day

For context, I have never been an anxious person. I have held C-level jobs for the last 20 years that involved extreme pressure and one reason I was successful is I could navigate difficult and complex situations with icy veins. Since DDay I have been messy anxious.

My wife and I have had more real and deep talks over the last two months than the first 32 years of our relationship, we walk together every day, are both in IC, etc. She has been more than anything I could have hoped for and is all in on reconciliation. I know nothing is guaranteed and we are in early days, but she knows everything about me (disclosure included going back to childhood / early sexual trauma, FOO issues, etc) so for the first time in my life I have someone who loves me and is not abandoning me knowing all my good and bad. When I am with her I feel safe in a way I never have.

I am still working through abandonment issues and maybe those are more acute when I am not with my wife. I worry I am too clingy and putting a burden on my wife when I should be shouldering her burdens. She has always been more social than I am and I know she needs space and time without me and with others.

Looking for any advice if others have experienced something similar. I have had pretty wicked insomnia of late and often wake with very vivid nightmares. Heart is racing and head hurts. My IC (and chatgpt) have given breathing and grounding exercises, but they are only semi helpful).

What are your thoughts when you’re apart from your wife and you’re feeling anxious?

...one reason I was successful is I could navigate difficult and complex situations with icy veins. Since DDay I have been messy anxious.

Breathe, man. Breathe...

Navigating difficult and complex situations is a lot easier when you know what you're doing, have an education, experience, training, mentoring, etc., as well as the confidence and competence that comes with all of that hard work and success.

So, I'm sure some of that anxiety is based upon feeling the exact opposite of the above paragraph.

Hysterical bonding hit me like a frickin freight train. I think my exww experienced it, too. Seems common enough for both betrayed and wayward spouses in R.

You're unpacking a lot of FOO shit, too, which can be extremely difficult, painful, and taxing.

When it comes to reconciliation, leaning into one another can be comforting and reassuring, help to reestablish bonds and heal. However, in the end, what's important is each partner being at peace with themselves, on their own.

Alleviating the anxiety takes time. Exercising, eating healthy, staying hydrated, journalling, therapy, church, meditation, breathing and grounding exercises, apps and stuff... I tried them all. Try different things until something clicks for you.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 4:47 PM, Sunday, October 26th]