SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s only been 5 days since DDay. I feel disgusted of myself. I can’t look at myself the same. I know my BH deserves better, my kids deserve better and I deserve nothing. I don’t deserve this chance at R he has given me, but I want to make it work until the very end. I don’t want to leave this man and it’s not because of control, I really do love him and I don’t want to love anyone else in this world. I don’t want to take care of my kids… I’m a SAHM and I really struggle to keep my kids entertained and well fed. I feel like I’m dying and the more time passes the more I contemplate suicide. I just can’t go on with this disgusting guilt. I don’t feel like it’s going to minimize and I know BH will soon start clearing his mind and might not even want me anymore in the future. He swears he won’t change his mind, but I’m afraid he might be in denial or maybe he really does want to give me a chance?… I don’t know, but I can’t even breathe in peace, I don’t think I will ever live in peace and this is the dark reality. I feel remorseful and I think instead of getting better it’s getting worse each day.

Hang in there. The weeks after dday are definitely the toughest that I have experienced in my life. The pain, humiliation, disappointment, desperation can all serve a higher purpose in your life, it takes getting to the other side to see it.

You will one day understand that your worst decisions do not have to define you.

What you need to gear yourself up for is your husband is going to need you during this time-and he needs you to be stronger so that he can be able to express himself rather than having to carry it while trying to protect you, because that’s often what men do in these situations. (Not that women don’t)

Your babies will always need you. Mine are in their twenties and thirties and they still need us even then.

Please reach out and get the help you need. Some people need antidepressants to help stabilize them during this time. Take your kids outside for walks- physical activity and fresh air can help with endorphins.

You have fucked up. And I know the pain of that. But things can and will get better. Hang in there you haven’t seen your best days yet.

I am still very new in my reconciliation journey after DDay so I do not often post on other threads, but this really resonated with me. Your feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc are ones that I have felt so strongly over the last several months as I prepared to disclose and in the two months since. You can read several of my threads where I was feeling like I could never feel any peace or happiness.

To be sure, I still have my struggles; however, things are getting much better. You will find support in this community and one of the most helpful things for me was realizing how many people have walked this same path to come out on the other side in a place that is better than they can imagine when you are at this stage. Hikingout is the best and has been a great support.

I have been in IC for the last several months and that has helped me deconstruct issues that predate my marriage and affair, but were contributing factors. Understanding and working to process those has been helpful. Everyone is very different, but would highly recommend IC if available.

On my walk with my wife yesterday we talked about your exact issue believing if the BS really wants to reconcile. I told my wife that when I am at my lowest I can convince myself she is only staying until I get more stable and then she is going to tap out. I know that is not true, but when you are in the middle of those low points your brain can go to dark places. My wife is supportive, but was clear she needs me to believe her so I can focus on how we can both heal rather than me crawling into my shame spiral. Sometimes easier said than done, but I can honestly say that that part is getting much much better and I am only two months post DDay.

I do not ever see a time when I will not feel sadness, guilt, and remorse when I think about my infidelity; however, my wife and I often talk about how this will become a smaller and smaller part of our story going forward. It feels heavy now because everything is so fresh, but even over the last two months I see progress. I have read enough on this site to know reconciliation can be successful when both people are working on it. We have tough days and hard talks often, but I can honestly say I see us in our early days of healing.

You are not alone and I think every wayward has felt the strong negative emotions you are feeling. Keep posting and keep open lines of communication with your husband. Reconciliation is a gift (the most precious gift I have ever been given) and I am working every day to accept and not squander it.

[This message edited by feelingverylow at 3:11 PM, Friday, October 31st]