SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am trying a new technique. As I’ve mentioned before, when I’m dealing with a difficulty, like the issue that brings us all here, I will sit quietly, in a dark room to have no distractions and let the feelings wash over me. I don’t try to stuff, judge, or deny their legitimacy as they are occurring. What I do, do, is to analyze them once they settle down and it is then that I do place negative or positive judgements. Are they legit, are they fair, are they kind, could I have done things differently, and what do I do going forward?

Many of you have thoughtfully attempted to encourage me to consider adding a different way of processing. And I have tried to honor, contemplate, and incorporate much of it, even if I was a little dubious. Why, because clearly, sense I am still processing, post 32 years my wife’s infidelity, my processing method is failing me. It took you guys tapping, and yes, some hammering on this point for the past 5 months for me to start to get the message. Okay, we’ve established I’m a slow learner.

For the last few days, I have started to separate my feelings. Not to deny them but to isolate them into two different categories. I am sure there are far more, but for me to have a prayer for success I needed to keep this new exercise as simplistic as possible.

1)New feelings about a new issue
2)Old feelings about an old issue

Okay, so what do I mean by this. If I have a new issue that has caused me to have negative feelings, then I revert to my go-to method of allowing them, then analyzing them. However, if I am experiencing old feeling, over old issue, then I am trying to use the suggested ideas of "being in the present"- "seeing things as they are now, not as they were then".

I’ve tried several ways to accomplish this new processing concept but the one that seems to work best is to focus on deep breathing and not allowing myself to re-feel the feeling.

This idea goes against every fiber of my being and my understanding of how to work through an emotion, it just smacks of avoidance. But, hells bells, I need to do something different! I know this idea has its flaws, I’ve picked it apart in a dozen ways, but I am finding an interesting result, one, I can’t help but analyze.

The negative feeling dissipates with virtually no negative side effects. I’m not anxious or annoyed, angry or sad and most importantly, I am not neutral either, simply put, I feel better about myself and the issue.

It is not that I think my original method is fully flawed or ineffective, quite the opposite. I believe that it is important to identify an emotion, keep it honest and fair, and then use it to a better outcome. But my problem was that I was rehashing old crap that I had already arrived at conclusions and taken needed actions that were mostly successful and then repeatedly going over it again and again knowing I’d come up with the same conclusions.

So, what was my purpose in rehashing? My conclusion is that my ruminating wasn’t done to understand, which is what I’d tell myself, but to judge. To admit that to myself and you all, really sucks! But isn’t admitting moral failure what we ask of our waywards? It goes both ways.

I am in no way suggesting that I’m healed and the pain is magically gone or that I will, going forward, always use this technique properly, the mind is devious at redirecting itself back to old habits but what I will do is keep listening and learning from all of you and also from the things you suggest I read or listen to.

Asterisk

Goodness, Asterisk! Being a little hard on yourself, aren't you? But you made some interesting statements, too.

This whole topic of judgment versus self-protection is so loaded. I think what I do is compare every new self-centered behavior I experience from my fWH to the still-unanswered question: Where did he get his 'permission' to betray his vows so effortlessly?" (He claims he had zero thought about being married at the time he decided to "act out" with a prostitute.) Usually, I end up drawing a direct connection between his current selfish behaviors that I've not experienced from others in my life to his rampant selfishness in betraying a vow, but your comment has me asking myself if this is because I'm still trying to protect myself from any further vulnerability, or am I just too broad in my negative conclusion that likely he must not be wired for any kind of intimate partnership, period? (My fWH is probably "on the spectrum" of autistic brain wiring, never diagnosed. His toddler years as a firstborn were spent in isolation on the family farm. He lacked any playmates or siblings, had a depressed, pre-occupied mother and a very busy father. I can picture the little guy never learning to interact with others. Yet who has to pay the price to try and stay in relationship with such a personality? The partner, of course!)

But we should work on our own flaws, as you point out. I am going to have to try your method and see if it helps me.