SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not really a question but more of a conversation.

Due to me researching infidelity online over the last 2+ years I always seem to get a few click bait articles that I always feel compelled to read. The other week I read one called the 10 types (maybe more😂) of infidelity.

It broke infidelity down into categories such as ONS’s, emotional affairs, physical affairs, online fantasy etc and even financial infidelity. And it got me thinking is any of these better or worse than each other? Is one type of infidelity easier to forgive and move on from.

My personal experience is dealing with a physical affair. And TBH I think in general most people would say this is the worst type of infidelity? Not sure there was much emotion there as he dumped her the minute I found out and went NC as far as I know. For some reason I chose to stay even though some days I wonder why? I do question myself as to why I let myself be treated so poorly by someone who supposedly loved me and then not kick them to the curb!

After a lot of self reflection I realise for me him having sex with someone else wasn’t the issue. Heck I’ve even wanted to open the marriage up after I found out as before meeting my WH I enjoyed the odd ONS so I thought why not?

It was the lying to my face and the disregard for how it may make me feel that killed it all for me. But if that was the case I don’t know why an affair upset me as much as it did as my WH has always been a liar and he really was very low in emotional intelligence.

But when I read this article I wondered what else I could or not forgive. The truth is porn has never worried me, fantasies about others and sex is the same I assume because we were always open and honest about these things.

The financial infidelity would more likely be a deal breaker for me I think. To completely ruin my financial future would make my blood boil. I have a close friend whose husband always spends their money without her knowing and got her into a bit of trouble that way but she forgives over and over. But can’t understand why I stayed 🤷🏼‍♀️

One of the other infidelity’s listed was ‘social’ infidelity which was described as one person going out with friends, doing hobbies, sport etc without doing anything with your other half. If that is the case then that was me and my WH was actually the BS. I didn’t want to do anything with him at all. Our marriage was trash!

I guess I find it interesting what some people can tolerate and what others won’t. Heck I’ve seen people divorce over things I wouldn’t even have an argument about. As a species I find us very complicated 😂

The financial infidelity would more likely be a deal breaker for me I think. To completely ruin my financial future would make my blood boil.

I get that, but a physical infidelity could completely ruin your health and literal future, if one passed on the right/wrong STD, you know?

There are definitely layers to this. There are some stories I read here that I consider way worse than when I went through. For me, I usually consider the ones where the wayward spouse is just verbally cruel on top of the physical infidelity to be worse, or when a pregnant spouse is cheated on, or a brand new vulnerable parent, or the cheated-with-the-best friend or sister/brother scenarios to be worse. And the ones where the betrayed spouse is physically ill.

I think infidelity is horrible to the person it happens to whether it's a ONS, emotional, physical, LTA, financial, etc.

For me if my xWS had an emotional A that was short lived would have be better than the carrying on a whole relationship while we were married (LTA). The fact that my xWS had multiple LTAs ranging our entire M made our entire M a lie. That was a mindf**k unto itself.

I also believe the way a WS treats you post discovery cannot be considered equal.

Probably too many variables to compare and also how the BS receives said infidelities.

The worst form of infidelity is always the one we're experiencing. You know, we don't compare pain around here because, for the most part, it's all of the charts.

I read a lot of the same, or similar, articles on the "types" of infidelity. While I think there's some truth to what these authors write, I mostly found it to be mental masturbation.

It was the lying to my face and the disregard for how it may make me feel that killed it all for me.

Yep. I've read the same or similar sentiments from more betrayed spouses than not. The affair was bad enough, but the lying, minimizing, blame-shifting, gaslighting, obfuscation, and all of the rest of it, was what killed it.

As a species I find us very complicated 😂

I could easily get into a discussion about why I think infidelity hits most people as hard as it does, but that's a very long and complicated topic.

This is a topic I've generally steered away from as a WS, because as a group, we're overly prone to the phase "at least I." At least I never did anything in our house, at least I confessed, at least I went NC -- anything that sets us apart from other, more egregious cheaters. The work of a WS involves recognizing those excuses and accepting that there's nothing exceptional about our own story.

That being said, I'm a madhatter, so I'll tell you the things I'd have a hard time getting past (in theory; no one knows for sure until they're in the fire):

An OC
Taking deliberate risks to prove his love for her, like being together in public or in our house
Leaving me for the AP and only coming back when she dumped him
An incurable STI
Spending a lot of money on the A
Big romantic gestures
Anything involving our kids

I've known successful reconciliations that involved most of these challenges, though.

It's interesting. I kinda thought sex would be higher on my list than it is. Maybe it's because, as a WS, I know how much larger it looms in people's minds than in reality.

I've discussed this topic before, especially because I'm in the minor leagues I get to observe the more severe variants almost from the perspective of someone that hasn't been betrayed at all.

For each person, the betrayal they have to deal with is kind of the worst one. You can't sit there and excuse it as "well at least it wasn't...." because it lends itself to minimization on the part of the WS.

All that said I have a number of factors to consider that I believe on each continuum make it worse. Each ranging from "none" to some further end.

Required aspects of a betrayal:

Emotional - Top end of this is something like them having exchanged "I love you" and meant it (at least in the moment).

Physical - Top end is sex acts denied to BS and transmitting STD to BS.

Duration - top end is they were never faithful.

Priority / Level of deceit - top end is skipping a major life event in the family such as funeral/graduation/etc. to be with AP instead.

Optional bonus menu:

Double betrayal - involving someone else you trusted, top end is sibling/parent/child/best friend.

Financial - top end is taking on a huge amount of secret debt to fuel the A.

Purity - BS has no other sexual partners.

Location - marital bed and landmarks of shared meaning.

I'm sure there are other ways to make it worse.

What I don't know is how much of any one of these things I would be able to R through. I wouldn't expect my current R if you asked me before my wife's A. Ask me now and I say DDay 2 of any kind equals divorce. Ask me again on DDay 2 if you want the real answer. I don't really *know* what the answer is.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 10:04 PM, Tuesday, November 11th]