This was(is) originally my profile. But i reckoned that id need to explain my story at some point so This is where it begins. Whatever I choose to write here, somehow isnt going to seem to do it all justice. I CAN say...when i was younger....in my teens, early 20s...i never envisioned betraying my future wife. It wasnt who i thought id ultimately end up being. A cheater. I used to scoff at those id heard whod done as much. I cried when my brothers first wife had cheated on him. I was there.That was me.
How did I get HERE? What made me lose all sense of decency?
I know...I have some speculation on it. Today....I am 60 and a few months. I have 2 kids, now 28 and 26. I married in 1991. I was....25. I dont want to place blame on any one thing above myself for my discretions, though I suspect a few things certainly played a role.At an early age, somehow...I was able to purchase Playboy magazines. It felt like some divine right to a young man? Overtime, though addiction wasn't talked about then, I was developing it. The girls felt like equal to sports heroes. As if nudity were a skill or talent. My brother and I worshipped them. By the time I was Dating my wife to be, expectations were high. Not at first. The dating was sweet, gentle, kind and genuine. But there was a longing for that Playboy sensuality or mentality. She was beautiful in her own way already. My desires were misplaced though I couldnt have convinced myself of that then.
I happily married. We loved the out of doors. In some way, it felt as though she followed my lead and we grew to love the Great Lakes Northwoods together. Adventure was the horizon. Waterfalls, lighthouses, trails, camping.
In 1997 & 99....Our world grew in a way we almost couldnt conceive. No pun intended. They were and I believe( i know ) still are our world.
The tragedy of it all was that i failed to be true. As stated before, I can guess at contributing factors. I didnt date at all in high-school. No backroads "night moves". Even after graduating. Id dated once before her and that was brief. She and I, were together 4 years before marriage.
Sadly though, subtle flirtations began to happen. Working close quarters with some female coworkers pierced through a "chink in my (supposed) armor"It slowly started to feel like a rush. A drug. I started having feelings. Wrongfully so.Feeling turned somewhere between love and lust. All the while sapping from a once hopeful marriage. I cringe at the thoughts, recollections of how I was. Part of me could go into great detail. I could easily write a book on how NOT to be. How NOT To behave. Where NOT to go wrong.
Alas, I did these things.
What seems like yesterday, in May of 2008, and im certain God had a hand...WILLED me to come forward and break away from a Great Wife and Mother. I unleashed a flood of my wrongdoings. Mind you, a smaller version happened back around 1992 and 1994...back then, somehow she held on. She tried here too.
We ultimately Divorced on December19th,2008. I remember feeling coldly "ill" that evening and since. Prior to that night, in the early Fall of that year, we told the kids around a campfire. At that time, as a unit, we quietly accepted it with hugs. Though throughout there would be storms of realization. Angry moments. Rightly so.We had to remain together over the next year as she sought a place to move on.
When the day came(though during the kids remaining time during their school years, we'd share weekly custody more or less) but when the day came that she left with them to go to her place...the door closed and they drove away.....something deep down inside, gutteral, primal, made me feel a real, genuine mournful sadness like I'd never feel. I screamed and fell to the floor with an all-too-late What-Have-I-Done? Realization. I wept like a baby.
Since then, through all the otherwise normal moments a family would go through, except divided...I'd have and stillDo have....deep truly heartfelt moments of either a good memory couple with the ugly feeling of why did I do what I did?, How did I let it happen? Why did I fall from Grace? Where would we have been now....empty nesters, holding each other, hoping our kids are safe and well. Though now we both are with our New Significant others,both Lovely genuine people.But ill never forgive myself out. It forever nags.
There have been bumps along the ways. Times we'd "knock heads" or snap at each other. But in general we were communicative.
That has since ceased, though ive tried. Im yet uncertain why the change(though certainly from day one, theres plenty of reason).
Scrolling through older emails....from 2015, there were kind words from her to me. That is to say that she acknowledged there WERE good times. Reading it again made me feel humbled and appreciative. Bittersweet to be sure.
I cant go on expecting that things would remain the same. So I spend a lot of time in a deeply hidden sorrowful, remorseful mood.
Embarrassed at myself. Ever asking, How???, Why??? Not in a God please take me back mode. Im not that naive or ...well absurd. Just that the only positive in all of it is me trying to tell myself----AT LEAST YOU ARE REMORSEFUL AND THE HURT IS REAL. YOU CARE. ACCEPT THAT. WHAT KIND OF PERSON WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LEFT IT ALL BEHIND.
I shall forever regret the Hurt I caused for my former wife and the subsequent changes I set into motion. It never goes away.
I pray to God and Our Saviour Jesus, wash over me with your Love and guidance. Please Dont give up on me.
My heart goes out to All those cheated upon.......and To those who realize now after their cheating, the wreckage they left behind and their deep regret.
God, May you Bless us all with your guidance.
P.S. Ill try to reply when I can.
Be Well, Talk to God. He listens.
🙏
