Hi, I’ve been poking around this website and have found a lot of the posts to be helpful, the posters insightful, some of the situations described heartbreaking, and the outcomes commendable. I find myself looking for old posts from people deep in despair, struggling, and I hope to follow them through their own reconciliation, knowing it won’t work out for everyone.
I cheated on my husband with a coworker. I am the cliche from the "Not ‘Just Friends’" book - thought we were close friends, became emotionally attached in Spring 2025, led to something physical, and it only ended when my BH went through my phone on 17 Oct. I went no contact with my AP immediately (but for an occasion when my BH got us on a conference call). I have had zero regrets and no pangs of grief from ending this affair. I never had an exit strategy and this revelation truthfully has provided some relief, though I know it’s the most painful option for my BH. It took a few days of me trying to damage control and lie - no we never kissed, no we didn’t have sex - before it all came out. After that he had the full story, but I waited for him to ask for details. So within the past few weeks, I gave him my credit card statements. He asked for days off from work I took to spend with the AP. So I have (selfishly, probably) let him lead the level of detail we get into. He also has a copy of my texts with AP, so he has been piecing together a timeline, and I’ve been answering questions he has truthfully. A lot of them I want to be able to justify, defend, but I go quiet, because, Jesus, what justification could I have? I respond, but even saying sorry seems foolishly optimistic. I am not a child, nor is BH. The magic word won’t cure us.
I’ve identified a lot with the WS posts about shame - as a serial people pleaser, avoidant, expert compartmentalizer, I want to run away or ignore my marriage problems, my BH’s devastation that I am solely responsible for, and pretend like it’s good. But that’s partially what led me to this disaster. I cannot compartmentalize, because I have to process it and learn from it, and I have to be there for my partner.
Where I am struggling (among ALL the struggles, but where I’m hoping to find relief here) - and I recognize my hurt pales to my BH’s - I have no one to talk to. He can vent to friends, to family, and have support. I can tell this has been helpful because he is capable of rational discussions amongst the hurt and disbelief and betrayal. I also know they all want him to leave me, which is absolutely understandable. He hasn’t left yet! A reality I am grateful for every. Minute. However, no one wants to support a cheater. Society’s pretty clear on that. Not that I blame anyone for that opinion. My family are avoidant like me, and I truthfully have no friends who would want to hear any of this. I see a therapist weekly, we go to MC, too. So. I’m here. I’m here to find a place to connect, to put some feelings when I have no other outlet, for people who might listen. Because I can’t carry all the vitriol coming from my partner without sinking into the feeling like I need this punishment. But that doesn’t help him. As this website reminded me, you can’t pour from an empty cup. And if I have any hope to reconcile, I have to stay present without falling apart.
Anyway. Thanks for listening.
