SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been doing a lot of processing this weekend and lots of deep talks with my husband. Reconciliation is going well and we are starting to plan things for the future again such as next year's holiday. My husband is obviously ashamed of how he behaved during his affair as a husband, a father, and as a friend (the AP was his friend's wife). I really do believe he has changed so much in the past 13 years (much like another member on here who disclosed his affair years later) and he really isn't that man anymore. However, I realised I am also dealing with shame. I feel the shame of how my husband behaved and even feel the shame of how the AP behaved as a mother and that my husband facilitated this. I have always struggled with shame and carried a lot of shame from my own sexual behaviour prior to meeting my husband. I know where there stems from - I was shamed by my parents throughout my childhood and when I became a teenager sex was treated as a shameful activity - I found out I was pregnant at 19 after splitting from my boyfriend and my mother was so ashamed of me, we never told my father and I felt I had no choice but to have an abortion rather than bring further shame on my family. I struggled so much with shame and regret afterwards and had no one to talk to about it. Consequently I have often equated sex with shame and I am now struggling with the feelings of shame from staying with a husband who was capable of sexual betrayal. I love my husband, I forgive my husband, I feel so much empathy and sadness that he has to live with what he did and that he betrayed himself but I feel I am almost sharing his shame with him even though he does nothing to make me feel this way.
I am not sure if I am making sense, and I will discuss all of this in counselling tomorrow but I just wondered if anyone else had struggled with shame like this?

Eva,

I am probably the last person to advise you on how to eliminate shame other than to say, though the feelings of shame are common, shame only serves to injure all parties involved.

I hope your therapist’s appointment is able to address shame correctly. Just know you are not alone in feeling this way. Though shame is common, it doesn’t have to be your burden to carry.

Asterisk