I’m struggling. I’m trying my hardest I really am and I used to be on a 5-7 day cycle before I’d crash but now it’s every other day.
I’ve visited some dark places trying to get to the core of this ‘connection’ ‘feelings’ loop but to no avail. I’ve realised that growing up I was always too much, too emotional, too clingy, too fat, too loud, too inquisitive, just too much. I have spent my marriage shrinking myself in order to not be too much, then you are hit with betrayal and I felt like I was nothing.
I won’t shrink myself anymore, ever.
I’ve asked all the questions a billion times, every single avenue is exhausted.
I have good days, bad days, in between days and days where I don’t want to see another day days.
My H is amazing, honestly he is. He’s there for me whenever I need him which I’m trying to not do now because I need to fully regulate myself, he goes to therapy with me, he’s done a lot of work himself which I’m so proud of him for, he still has a lot of shame but he doesn’t drown in it he’s fully there for me and can articulate his feelings openly and freely. He is absolutely thriving being himself, authentic, he still finds certain situations difficult but nobody is perfect, to be honest I’ve never seen him as happy as he is now.
I’m at a point now where I’m exhausted and am desperate for relief, I thought that the feelings loop was about romantic feelings or feelings of longing. I asked my H if he felt anything like that I’d like him to do the right thing and leave because I refuse to stay in a marriage of obligation and or being a consolation prize. I know him, I know he’d do the right thing for me now, with tears in his eyes he said I don’t need to leave I’m staying. This was weeks ago and I still can’t get rid of this absolute soul destroying loop, I think it might be that I can’t deal with him having any sort of connection at all, even if it was a connection that was garbage and fake it still happened, it might be that it just won’t sit in my head right and I’ve tried, believe me I’ve tried so hard. It’s killing me.
Every time I get dragged in which is so frequent now it’s unbelievable, I feel like my brain is just trying to tell me that this will never not take me down and I have to end my marriage, which seems such a shame because we’re actually really good together.
My H has made some shocking mistakes over the years but I’m more than happy to file the sex workers under too young, extremely dumb, peer pressure, drunk, temptation etc. I feel nothing at all when I think of these, no emotional charge whatsoever, no triggers and it also helps that it was a long time ago, over a decade one over two . The A won’t fit, I’ve dug and dug and dug I’ve been down every single path and taken everything apart and nope, not happening.
I want to be done with this, I need to be done. Can anyone help me pinpoint what it is that I’m missing?
Thank you for listening my SI friends.
