Due to family circumstances, my BH and I are still living together and conversing. Not just about our daughters (one soon on the way), but also about other topics we would normally discuss together. DDay was a month ago, with me confessing to a EA/PA that occurred a year ago with a coworker. At this point in time, he has been rightly confused and back and forth on reconciliation. Per time of the year, we are still attending family get together and spending time with one another even outside of time with our daughter.
He has stated he feels like time apart or to separate would be beneficial. I have offered ways to do this within the house, such as leaving the house when he wakes up and coming back when it’s time for him to go to work. This way he would spend time with our young daughter by himself. He will agree this would be good, but it has never actually happened. Then he states that he is fine with me still being home right now, most likely to us having a daughter on the way. He will also state he no longer wants me doing his laundry or cooking food, so I offered ideas on splitting household chores. However, I am still the one doing all laundry, cooking, and cleaning, which I am completely fine with. There are more personal examples of this pattern too, where he brings up an issue, I offer a solution, but ultimately we continue to live the same way routine wise, for now at least.
What worries me most of all is his mental state. I had to heavily encourage him to speak to other people about me having an affair because I did not want him to bottle it up. I have suggested IC for him if he wants or needs to discuss this further, as we are not discussing our relationship too much at the moment together. I have already started IC, and he mentioned MC early on after DDay but has not suggested it since. Mostly everyday he has trouble getting up from sleeping, which was an issue before my confession, but has grown into a bigger issue.
I am willing to do whatever I need to in order to become a safe person. I desire to reconcile but realize that is out of my control. I have told my BH I am here to listen or talk if he wants, that I want to support him. Sometimes he is receptive of this and other times he is not. What worries me most of all is his mental wellbeing, as he told me he’ll be fine and is "strong." I do not want to push him in any way, but I also tell him to make sure he is taking care of himself. I do my best to give him as many opportunities to do this as possible, considering I take on all household responsibilities and am usually the one caring for our daughter as we are a one income household.
What is the balance of being supportive yet respectful in his wishes when they seem to fluctuate? Should I continue to give opportunities and encourage ways for him to take care of himself? He acknowledges he is a procrastinator and has poor time management. A majority of our relationship I had to push for him to get things done, so I am having trouble deciding what to do now.
Thank you.
