SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, yesterday was a giant mess. WS was supposed to leave yesterday morning for a trip, so I was at the house to look after the cats and the kid. Last minute weather necessitated a postponement, and I was trying to rejigger my schedule and figure out when to return to my apartment. Meanwhile, kid (age 16) woke up depressed, expressed frustration at having to go back and forth with so much inconsistency, and she was confused and anxious about how WS and I "really feel about each other."

I started to break down because I didn't know how to explain why it's so hard for me to be at the house without telling her about WS's infidelity. She said, "I'd like to know what happened to make you so upset, and you know I want to make up my own mind about people, even close family." So I conferred privately with WS because we had agreed not to unilaterally share additional information, and he unhappily said he's ready to stop controlling the narrative and for me to tell her what I need to.

It was so hard for me to say it out loud to her, that her dad cheated on me. I kept crying. It was awful. She asked with whom, and I said a coworker. She didn't ask how much or for how long or any other details, and I didn't volunteer any. I did share that I'm triggered by showering in the house because that's where I did most of my sobbing and self-harm. She was understanding, and after the initial disclosure, said, "Girl, I would've divorced him on the spot." That made me laugh a little, and I explained that it's a lot more complicated when you've been with someone for 30 years, and that sometimes a thing that's broken can't be fixed despite our best effort. I also explained that we're amicably divorcing because I believe that he's truly sorry, and that I do want to continue a night a week together because I think it's stabilizing for all 3 of us (she's an only child), but extended stays at the house, especially when he's there, are really hard for me.

She seemed to take it all in stride, but I'm sure there will continue to be ripple effects, just as there have been with the divorce. She has completely crashed and burned in school this year, and we shifted her to an online program, but she's struggling to get the work done. I'm scared for her future, I second guess every decision, including the divorce, but I also feel good about finally clearing the air with her. "No more secrets," I promised and said the door is open for anything she wants to talk about. I feel like I can finally stop tiptoeing around her. She said that knowing all this might help alleviate her anxiety. I hope so, but only time will tell.

I left for my apartment this morning, and kid remains at the house (better study setup for her there), so there's no visible damage to her relationship with her dad, though I'm sure stuff will come up. The three of us had a peaceful family dinner together last night, but I couldn't sleep after 2:30am because I'm still worried about her education and future. For context, pretty much everyone in the family has a graduate degree, and this kid is contemplating taking a high school equivalency test and not going to college. We are all quietly freaking out, which she no doubt senses and no doubt isn't helping. The rational part of me says that people can have secure, fulfilling lives in many ways, but this is so far outside what I know that it's scary. Plus a heaping dose of parental guilt because I've been less involved in her life than ideal thanks to dealing with all the ddays and whatnot.

If wishes were fishes, I'd cast a net to roll back time to 2020. I wish the OBS had told me the truth back then, when he found out, when I was healthy and had a job, and the kid was a pre-teen, and I could've had primary custody, and and and...the sea has no shortage of fish.

Thanks for reading my trauma dump, SI. Y'all are a lifesaver, sometimes literally.

So sorry to hear you and your daughter are dealing with this infidelity, and I understand your feeling guilty but the topic of her school goals seems like one you could safely ask her about, sometime. Who among us knew what our higher education path would shspe up to be, when we were teenagers? Perhaps her feeling this way is due to uncertainty about how stable her home base may remain? Understandsble, if so, but it does sound like you're bending over backwards to be a steady presence.

My mother bailed out when we were late teens, and although I didn't blame her at all for leaving my alcoholic and then unemployed father, we ended up having to sell the house we all grew up in to avoid a foreclosure, and all 4 of us kids had to land on our feet and start jobs at 16-19 years old. Now that was a rough start. You're doing better than that!

It sounds to me as though your daughter is a very emotionally intelligent and sensible kid. All credit to you. She responded to you so much better than many grown ups would have. She sounds awesome and she will do amazingly in life, I can just sense it.

It's hard telling kids about difficult situations and it makes so much sense to try and shelter them from it all. However she is smart and she is old enough to see that things are not right. It makes sense for her to be inquisitive and to try and understand what went on in her family. Good decision to tell her I think. It's better than being anxious and wondering why you guys separated and if she's missing something important.

I have a 10 month old so I have no idea how I would handle a conversation like this with a teenager as I have no experience yet but it sounds to me that you did a very good job considering your circumstances and the way you are feeling right now. Well done and please don't be hard on yourself.