First time posting here, so please kindly point out if anything I said violates any of the guidelines.
I’m the WW here and my BH has been on SI since the initial D-Day. Saying it is a lifesaver would be an understatement and I am so grateful that he found it and was able to gain knowledge and strength from everyone who posts. He recommends me to this site. I’ve been lurking for a while and now finally have the courage to post our story...
Timeline:
5/27/2025: I discovered my ex’s (i.e. the AP) profile on social. He was my first and only relationship before my BH. I became curious about how he has been since it’s been like 15+ years, so I friend’ed him and we started chatting. It all started with random conversations, life in general, work, kids, but soon I felt something more. I felt he was subtly signaling he was available (told me his life was complicated and he was seeking a D) and interested. Now I should have totally seen that as a stop sign but I didn’t. I felt quite self-lacking at that time, with so much pressure from life, work, childcare, so when I sensed that, I felt... flattered? and an ego boost. The universe opened an opportunity cuz now in a hindsight, even though me and my BH didn’t realize back then, my own marriage was likely going downhill since he started his own biz 3 years ago. He worked crazy hours (like 16-18 hr a day), with me taking care of everything - the household, our kid, while working a full-time job. And we barely talked anymore cuz we both could only keep our head above the water. I’m saying these not because I’m trying to make excuses, cuz I know nothing, absolutely nothing, justifies what I chose to do, but I just wanted to mention that I was at the weakest point subjecting me to make all the awfully wrong decisions later.
Early June: I took a business trip to the state where AP lived. My BH, without knowing anything yet, suggested me to not go because I was pregnant with our second baby, having the worst pregnancy symptoms, all-day fatigue, headache and spotting. He suggested me to take it easy and rest at home. But at that time I was so over my head that I insisted to fly (using work as excuse ofc). Then me and AP met, we talked and talked, and things quickly went physical. Two days later while I was still there, I had acute bleeding at work and the ER doctor told me it was a threatened miscarriage. Now you would think that as another warning sign sent from the universe. Yes, at that moment, while I was waiting alone in the ER room, I did desperately miss my BH. I texted him and told him how scared I was. But no, unfortunately it was not enough to wake me up from the A. I flew back home and the A just continued. The AP came to my town in mid-June and we met again.
Early July: I had two subsequent ER visits due to bleeding and the last time was hauled to ER by ambulance. I officially had a miscarriage and had the D&C surgery done on 7/1. The next day, AP flew over (it was a coincidence cuz he had booked his biz trip a while back). Instead of turning to my BH for grief, I turned to AP. And I didn’t even grieve the loss properly cuz I was in a different mind state when I was with him. It’s like getting dopamine shots. This intense yet short-lived pleasure at that time seemed to have healed all my pain, stress and grief. I began to struggle to understand what was real, and where I was heading.
7/4: BH found out where I actually was while I claimed I was taking a walk at the park. So there came D-Day 1. I was such a terrible person that I did everything that a WS could possibly do wrong. At first, I denied to the best of my ability, lying to and gaslighting my poor BH. Then came rounds of serial trickle truthing, trying everything I could to protect my selfish self. On that night, I eventually felt so humiliated and angry (despite it was my BH who was deeply humiliated and hurt), I stormed out and stayed at a hotel. I could not have imagined the excruciating pain my BH had experienced that night. Yet my amazing BH wrote a long and affectionate letter to me the next morning. He expressed his understanding, his own guilt for putting work over family and me, his determination to give us a second chance, and his faith in our ability to rebuild our M. Now I didn’t mention my BH isn’t good with words; He shows care and love through actions, but he is never good at passionately expressing his love which was something I nagged a lot in the past. But he wrote such a sensational love letter to me, despite the extreme pain he was suffering at the same time. I was moved, but still confused at that time. I still couldn’t figure out my feeling towards the AP and I told BH I was feeling very ambivalent. I recall suggested D to my poor BH and that had only hurt him even more. Now thinking back, I think the only reason I suggested D was because I was being extremely selfish. I didn’t want to own my part, I didn’t want to commit to the hard rebuilding work, and D looked like the easiest way out (for me).
Early August: My BH and I were in limbo. Even through my BH expressed his desire to try to reconcile, most of the time he was a walking dead (as he should be). I felt a myriad of emotions too - guilt, sorrow, confusion, doubt, self-hatred, to name a few. Both of us started working with our own IC. After hearing my story (which was likely biased cuz I had likely "re-written" my marriage story), my IC commented it as a "train wreck" and she assured me that everything would work out, even if we ended up with a D. And then I let my selfish part took over again. I stopped caring for my husband cuz it is hard work. When he reached out for comfort, I’d still sit by his side and stroke his back, but I felt almost nothing. Cuz anything would be too much for me. I forgot about his love letter all too soon, I forgot about the look in his tear-stained eyes. I was so selfish and self-centered that all I could think of was how could I get myself out of this emotional hell asap. Then I relapsed and broke NC. I started texting with AP again. But this time I felt different. The conversation started to get dull, the initial freshness and excitement had worn off, and we quickly ran out of topics. Over time, I also began to remember why I left him the first time. He was still the same person, full of bs, belittled his wife, bragging, selfish, little to none moral value - essentially everything the opposite of my BH.
Mid August to Early September: Despite I was beginning to recognize the true person that AP was, the affair continued. I was so pathetic and broken that I lost self love. We met in mid August and went to a hotel. I felt so awful, like a prostitute. But somehow I allowed it to happen. After that time, I actually told myself I gotta end this. This was not a relationship I ever wanted to be in. But I was so weak, I was such a people pleaser that I feared he would be sad if I told him that. I wished I had think more of my BH at that time, cuz he was suffering alone all that time. But I didn’t. I was self-consumed that all I could think about was my own struggle and my own pain. Or maybe I just needed the time. I was so messed up and self-hatred that we met again the week of 9/3. I let it happen again. But I was starting to gain the courage and after our last encounter on 9/5, I finally told AP that I was ending this and we would never see each other again.
9/12: AP’s BW tracked me down on social media and sent me messages. I apologized to her and promised we would never contact again. Then I told AP one last time that we would never contact each other again. The next day, I worked up the courage (or actually forced by AP’s BW) to tell my BH that I broke NC. That was probably like D-Day 4 given all the trickle truthing happened earlier. Unfortunately I was still so selfish that I left out important details like we saw each other twice after July and the affair was physical which I absolutely denied previously. Even though I made up my mind to end the illicit relationship, I was still being selfish and a coward. I thought I was snapped out of the fog, but in fact I was still in the fog by being selfish and not telling the full truth.
September onward: After that, I shifted my energy back to my family and BH. We started MC and were both learning how to deal with the mess caused by me. Things actually got worse for me cuz I no longer got my dopamine shots and the stress and problems were still there. I started to have more mental breakdowns, I was defensive in arguments which left both of us in a worse state, I became suicidal and called the hotline multiple times. Every time my miserable BH asked/begged me if there was more, I’d deny and promise him that’s the full story and that I’m determined to never look back. Well it’s truth mixed with lies, and that was killing me. Despite our effort in MC, I knew truth and trust was the #1 hurdle in front of us, and everything else we do was secondary and needs to be based on that. I just couldn’t get all the courage. I was still being selfish and arrogant by thinking not telling is protecting him. But deep down I knew it was also because I was scared to death. Raised from the eastern culture, we don’t talk about intimacy and sex and I never received proper sex education growing up. I knew it would devastate my BH. All that stress and pain came crushing on me, I started developing severe insomnia, waking up at 2am every night, impossible to fall back to sleep.
So I picked up books again, Dr Shirley Glass, Gottman, Linda Macdonald, etc. I have all of them on my night stand. I also re-started browsing SI again. Some of the articles here really woke me up. I learned that I have to consider my M dead, and that knowing the truth is my BH’s right, not mine. He deserves the truth. Period. After a few weeks’ struggle, I made up my mind to give him the full truth that he deserves, not holding anything back. The days leading to the final confession were torturing. I was anxious, fearful, having shortness of breath and feeling stiffness of my tongue. I finally couldn’t wait any longer and disclosed in our MC session on 12/26.
Where we are now...
It’s only been a couple days since D-Day 5 (or 6, I lost track due to all the horrible trickle truthing) but I will say, I’m freaking proud of my BH. He is definitely devastated and crushed. I broke his heart into pieces, and as if that wasn’t enough, I lit a fire and burned that to ashes. Yet he is still here. He told me how devastated and disappointed he is, and he is now seriously thinking about D (as he should be). Yet he didn’t kick me out of the house immediately, like how I’ve kicked him into the junk so many times. He’s actively working with his IC but there’s definitely a long way to go. As for me, i definitely felt a relief after the final disclosure, and that I can see light again. My stress and suicidal thoughts are almost all gone, and I’m not defensive anymore. I think I’ve finally learned to face myself and let go of the outcome. For the past couple of days, we talked 3 hours every day, and instead of trying to defend myself, I just acknowledged everything he said to me. I just wanted to be there, to feel his pain, to heal him (if I still could have the chance). I feel so grateful that I still got the chance to even be able to see him, to have a chance to talk with him, be with him. I committed to myself that I will start working with IC on my own problem. I know I’m really sick and I wanted to figure out what went wrong and more importantly, how do I fix it so I raise our kid properly. Not gonna lie I’m still scared of the future. I still feel a ton of guilt and regret. I wish it was all a nightmare but I knew it was my conscious decision and my behavior. I will continue reading on this site and get all the advice and support I need. To own my part. To correct my wrong. To be whole again...
