SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve been married to the love of my life for almost 24 years. Together almost 26. We have 3 beautiful children, twin boys age 15 and a daughter age 12. We went through IVF to have children. Jesus was merciful and it worked twice. No extra embryos or eggs, the ones that survived are my children now. I had 3 losses before that. Like I said, God is good. We lived in GA but always felt isolated from our family. In 2016 we made a huge move to Ohio bringing my mother with us. It was hard but we have grown to have successful careers .here and a beautiful home. We live 10 minutes from my husband’s sister and her family. We finally had all the things that mattered most, Jesus, family, love. My husband was a teacher for 18 years or so and decided he wanted to do IT. He went back to school and now works in our kids schools and it’s perfect, or so I thought. We took. Family trip last summer, grandma, grandpa , in-laws , cousins…relaxed on the lake. A week to just unwind. My mom calls and there’s a beeping she can’t find. It’s nothing critical, turns out an old carbon monoxide detector dying. Suddenly on Monday I believe, we got there on Saturday, my husband feels like it’s absolutely necessary we leave to stop the beep so my mom and dog can rest. I didn’t fight it….it was cramped and extremely hot. This was in June 2024. Fast Forward to August 23rd 2025. We just got home on Saturday from watching one of my sons J V football game. My husband tells me we need to talk. Ok, code for sex. I’ll be right up. He says, no I need you know it’s important. Ok, who’s sick or hurt. He just got a text. In the bedroom he says lock the door. Do you remember the trip last year ? Something happened, my mind says oh no he hit a biker or stole something? My mind is racing. Well my husband always gives the best massages. He has for years. I have a bad back and so does his sister and mom. Well he proceeds to tell me my 22 year old niece had asked him to massage her neck. He took it too far and reached into her privates. It was stupid. He’s sorry. He got a text from my niece saying she was about to tell the family what he did. I leave and go to a friends . I get a very detailed message with the events that occurred from my niece. She is very trustworthy . She’s not lying, he admitted it. This wasn’t a quick interaction like he described. This was a very long massage after everyone went to bed. He went under her clothes caressing her lower back and butt. She was thrown off because he’s like a dad to her. She loves him and they have always been close. She redirects him. He goes under her bra, then butt again, the around into her privates. Intentionally he did this. She freaked out and jumped up, went to bed. Went home the next morning and told no one but a close friend and counselor. She was in her last year of nursing school. She had to finish. She had to process and work through this.i helped her find a place to live because she went to Savannah, the place we lived for years. My radar never went off. Grandma retired, grandpa turned 90. She waited because she didn’t want to ruin these major events. She suffered in silence until she felt safe. Then she released her version of what happened, which my husband does not deny. Utter destruction to my life, family, mental health. I told him to leave. He has an apartment and he’s not slept in this house since I found out. It’s been 19 weeks. I haven’t spoken face to face to him. I only want texts about money or kids because our accounts are linked still. I can’t bring myself to face him. I’ve never felt the devastation that I still feel in my life. I told myself and his therapist, no decisions until next year, he needs help. His therapist texted me in January 2nd at 9:29 am asking if I’d made a decision. Am I divorcing or repairing my marriage. WTH. Did he have me as his first duty for the new year? This was yesterday and I completely fell apart. Anger, sadness, disbelief- all the original emotions flooding back. I feel like I’m having a breakdown. Why am I so upset? Do I still love him? Yes I do but do I want to work this out deep down? I can’t sleep last night. I had to work today. I’m praying to Jesus please just anything give me something. I realize my fight or flight kicked in. I really think I was so triggered by the thought of having to interact with him. I researched lawyers right after and have one picked out. I CANNOT continue to go through this pain…I’m living in it and I’m going to drown. I think I just want out. I can’t get out past this. It’s a brick wall. Nothing has changed with how I feel. I’m disgusted. Will this ever go away? He is seeing a counselor but they are not certified in sex addiction or spouse betrayal. He lied and said he never watched porn. His counselor says he did. He told me he got wrapped up into thinking he was not receiving what he deserved sexually. He researched things to help performance. He spent day after day planning our sexual interaction. This is all that mattered to him. He treated me poorly if he didn’t get what he wanted. Sex became a chore. He also became very angry and constantly yelled at the kids. Things I thought were just stress and would get better. But then I found out what he was hiding. He told me because he was caught not because he wanted to. I think I’m contacting my lawyer to start the process on Monday. I need help, an ear, advice….who has been here. I’m so damaged by this. I can’t think straight. I wish he cheated instead. My family is devastated. Thank you if you’ve read this because I know it’s long but I had to get it out. Can anyone help me? Am I making the right decision? It’s the only one that gives me some peace.

First, I’m so sorry you are going through this. Second, in my book he cheated. And huge red flag, why the hell is his therapist messaging you? His conversations with his therapist should be private. I applaud you for having him leave the house. Have you asked your children if he has ever touched them inappropriately? He’s treated you poorly, as the children, and demands sex and gets angry when he doesn’t get what he wants! His behavior is scaring me.

My thoughts are, do not make any decisions when you are this emotional. If not already going, get yourself to counseling and perhaps a lawyer. I almost feel like he and his therapist are wanting you to make the D decision, like they’re putting words into your head. But I understand it’s hard to get everything written down in these situations. If you are safe, please take the time to think and make decisions that you want. That being said, his behavior would be a dealbreaker for me.

I wish you the best with this shitty situation!

In your situation, I would carry forward with what you have already put into motion, and please stop second-guessing yourself. Divorce does not mean you can never reconnect if he ever successfully gets through the intensive psychological overhaul he needs and has needed for many years, that you were unaware of. Also, please, please don't beat yourself up about not perceiving this aspect of him. Even if you stuck around and wanted to "pity" the man, which by the way, some influencers will urge you towards, I'm afraid your own suffering isn't going to suddenly lift. This kind of horror is not a screw up.

Yes I’m seeing a therapist. She’s certified in spouse betrayal and sexual addiction. In her experience she says it’s very difficult and a long recovery to reconcile. Then she says usually the betrayed person is not happy. She’s dealt with sexual predators and says they almost always reoffend. My niece was 22 but she might as well been any age since we’ve been together since she was born and have watched her grow up, it sickens me. We’ve been together so long and I can promise you I never saw this coming. He was living in a whole world I knew nothing about. I have asked my kids and they say no he hasn’t touched them. They all know -boys figured it out by asking their cousin and I told my daughter for her own safety. My boys fully support a divorce and have so much as said they think it’s best. I I think I’m still grieving the loss but I have to get this off of me before I drown. I just want to remove myself from the entire thing I believe. I have a lawyer and I hope he won’t fight me. This is a dirty secret that could destroy his career. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not vindictive at all, but he doesn’t want this getting out. The only move I can think of that gives me any peace right now is divorce. It’s very heartbreaking. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

Hi coolchip10, I'm so sorry you're here and for all that you've gone through since August. I agree with Possum on all counts.

- what he did is cheating. Infidelity doesn't have to mean sexual intercourse. It's any kind of breaking of the marriage vows, whether telling someone else "I love you" or a kiss or sexual touching or paying for a "happy ending."

- in my opinion, it's not a mistake for you to proceed with divorce. Contact a few lawyers for free consultations and pick the one who seems best. Make sure you keep records of all bank balances, credit cards, property, etc.

- because your niece was an adult, I don't think he's broken any laws regarding minors, but she could still file for sexual assault. Think about that when considering whether to stay with him: do you want to spend your life with a man who could commit sexual assault?

- don't let his therapist or anyone else (including us!) pressure you into doing something you're not ready to do.

- since your children and family already know, consider their feelings when you make your decision on how to proceed.

Sometimes the person we're actually married to isn't the person we thought they were. That is a very sad thing, and it can be difficult to accept reality when it's so far removed from what we hold in our minds. This is going to take you some years to really come to terms with it all, and it won't be easy. Take care and try to stay strong.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 2:31 AM, Sunday, January 4th]

A therapist calling you is wildly inappropriate. What did your therapist say about that?

That the therapist is the one calling also tells me that he’s not taking responsibility for his own life. And I know your niece was an adult, but she’s family and that’s just so creepy. Continue to divorce him. Who knows what he may have done with anyone who is under age if he’s willing to cross that line with his niece.. Even if he never did anything, perhaps the desire was there and that’s just gross.

You need to protect your kids and yourself. I know how hard this is. I was with my partner for 25 years and I can promise you that there is a better life on the other side. It’s not easy and it will take some time, but I think that with some distance you’re going to see many things that were right in front of you, but you couldn’t see because of your love.

Hang in there and keep posting. This is tough stuff, but I’m glad you’re in IC and you actually seem to have a really good head on your shoulders and are doing great.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 6:41 PM, Sunday, January 4th]

I’ve still been thinking of your situation and do believe this is sexual assault. The niece needs support and closure as well. I wonder if someone in your family will push her to file a police report. Also, speaking as someone who was betrayed by her best friend, do not protect him, he did this, not you. He has to face the consequences and that is his doing and not your responsibility to hide for him. He could eventually do worse if he is not held accountable. Hang in there, you will find peace someday. I’m glad to hear your children are safe and very supportive of the situation.

Infidelity is a horrible trauma under any circumstances, and yes, this is most definitely infidelity. It is always a trauma for the whole family no matter what anyone says. It is an attack on the family unit.

But in your case, the trauma has been visited on your entire extended family which complicates and magnifies everything.

You’ve gotten great advice already. I’ll just add that in your situation, I would not be able to see any way to consider staying with him. He didn’t have a consensual affair. He sexually assaulted your niece. There is no question about it. She had to ward him off more than once. He doesn’t contest that.

This is its own horrible trauma that will affect her for likely the rest of her life. She will question whether she can trust anyone. She will likely need extensive counseling to have normal trusting sexual relationships.

Have you considered how even thinking about taking him back would affect her, a very young woman victimized by a close relative that she trusted? Her parents? Your extended family? Sadly, he has traumatized everyone in a way that ripples throughout your family. Like you are questioning how you didn’t know, her parents and siblings may be blaming themselves for not having seen signs (that may not have even been there to see). They are likely thinking back over past interactions between them trying to remember anything they missed.

Allowing him back into your life would mean exposing all of them, including his victim, to the constant reminder and trigger of his presence. It might also cost you relationships with some of them—and you need your family more than ever right now and into the future. They might feel horrified that you would stay with someone who could do such harm and behave in such a vilely inappropriate ways with one of the children of the family.

Your sons are right, sadly. He has forfeited his right to be a part of this family unit by violating a member of it and betraying everyone in it. This compounds the nuclear family trauma of infidelity that shatters the core family in any event. He has shattered everyone.

I’m so sorry for your whole family. I hope that you are all taking care of each other and trying to find a way forward to deal with his sweeping betrayal.

His counselor should not be communicating with you and certainly shouldn’t be putting pressure on you to make a decision. His petty excuses and grievances that he is using as a pretext for violating your niece as well as your family unit show how seriously screwed up he is and how much serious therapy he needs to be a safe human being for anyone. This is his problem. But it doesn’t sound like he has a counselor who is in any way prepared to hold his feet to the fire and deal with all of his issues.

Your therapist is right—reconciliation is an extremely rough road under any circumstances. But this is so much more. But she is using the language of sexual predation to talk about him. This is appropriate, unlike what his counselor seems to be doing. So can you see your way to having any interest at all in a man who has betrayed you horrible and is also a sexual predator and also preyed on a child who is like your own?

For what it’s worth, I think you’re on the right track. You and your kids and your whole family will likely begin the long road to healing and recovery much more easily if you don’t have to deal with his presence as a constant trigger of all the trauma he’s left in his wake and without having to deal with worrying about his predatory behavior, his self-justifying excuses, and the long road he has to figuring out how he could behave like this. He obviously has a seriously aberrant idea of his own sexual entitlement that extends beyond his wife to women in general.

Hugs to you, coolchip. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Like all trauma, the only way through the trauma of betrayal is through. One step at a time.

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 7:51 AM, Sunday, January 4th]

He has to face the consequences and that is his doing and not your responsibility to hide for him. He could eventually do worse if he is not held accountable.

coolchip10, on top of everything else you're dealing with, this is a big one. You're not being vindictive by letting the world know what he's done. There is no better way to protect other vulnerable young women from his future actions. You have to tell his workplace. He is not someone who should be allowed near young women. Imagine how you would feel if 2 or 3 years from now, he molests a girl at school.

I can only imagine the horror you're feeling as all of this sinks in - that the person you've been with for a quarter century, the person you're raising 3 children with, the person you trusted with your most intimate self is capable of such gross behavior. I think you need to work on accepting that your marriage is over. No matter what he does to help himself, the marriage you thought you had is gone because he isn't the person you thought he was.

Most waywards who have addiction or impulse control issues will also tend to minimize the truth as long as possible, ostensibly to protect you, but in reality to protect themselves. I wouldn't be surprised if this isn't the first time he's that crossed boundaries, or that he's not telling this therapist the whole truth, and if more comes out as time goes on. I'm sure he's feeling terrible and that he's very sorry (many abusers are), but that doesn't help your niece, and it won't help his next victim.

Hugs to you coolchip. Please talk to a lawyer asap.

Your niece's account makes it sound like this wasn't the first time he did this. It sounds like he already had somewhat of a "routine" established. Yes, it's concerning that he might re-offend in the future, but I would be more concerned that he's been re-offending for a long time. This does not sound like his first SA. It has a Larry Nassar vibe. Your joint assets could be exposed to liability. Please protect yourself.

One last thing--the "text from his therapist" really sounds like manipulation from him personally.

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. I am going to move forward with divorce. I have thought to myself what if this isn’t the first time. What if it was and me leaving him forces him to get help and not do it again. Either way, you’re right, he’s not the same person I married or thought I knew. He’s led my life into a horrible nightmare and I need to wake up from it. I have 3 kids to think about.

Hugs and strength. This sounds like a waking nightmare. Please be gentle with your self-talk, prioritize your well-being, start therapy (if you haven't already) and take good care of yourself. This is a severe trauma, and your life has been permanently changed. (Fwiw, I think you will get through it even stronger, in time.)