I just want to get an idea of what it means to everyone by "putting in the work" to reconcile. I realize and feel the need to work for free (as in work towards healing without promise or guarantee for R because my priority is to heal myself and BH). We are currently 6 weeks post d-day and this is our daily/weekly schedules:
BH wants frequent reminders that I'm working on myself and trying to understand his feelings and POV. I wake up around 6 or 7 am and read something in our shared Kindle library about healing from infidelity. Right now I am reading Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass (this was literally our situation- I had a work friend and our relationship turned inappropriate but I never had feelings for him so I didn't realize we had crossed boundaries with our friendship, so this book has been super helpful) and I'm also reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Janet Bloom. I have also read Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn (this one was not great for my mental health, but my BH wanted me to read it to understand how he felt). So as I read these, I take screenshots of quotes from the books that stand out to me, or something he's highlighted and schedule a text to send him about that quote and how I think he felt about what it obviously reminded him of. I schedule a text to send him every 4 hours: 7am, 11am, 3pm, 7pm, and 11pm.
We also set aside 7pm to 8:30pm every day as our "Healing time" in which I facilitate a discussion around understanding his emotions and empathizing with how he feels- triggers he had that day, things I said or did that upset him, improving communication in general, I'll offer "puzzle pieces" if I have them (hand up if you know what I mean by that), etc.
In addition to these daily things, we are each in IC and together in MC. We've had 3 sessions of MC, and each had 2 IC sessions since d-day (all the same therapist, which has been super helpful actually). In fact, the "healing times" started out being 4-6 hours every day until our therapist told us to limit it and not right before bed, so we've cut back to 1.5 hours.
Here's my issue: this seems like a lot. I want to do anything and everything I can to make us better. Especially because I never meant to hurt him- I literally thought I was just in a friendship (no PA and no declaration of feelings). But I'm realizing I got into this mess because I have a lot of shit to work through myself that stems from my SA home as a child. He knows about this, but he and the therapist have agreed that right now the priority needs to be establishing safety in the marriage and that means addressing BH's issues and setting my core issues from PTSD aside for the future.
But my individual needs are in conflict with the couple's needs. These marathon sessions and this dissertation that I'm writing every day with the scheduled text messages are sending me into a deep depression. I've had suicidal thoughts lately and have started medication because I can't continue like this. This just feels like a 24/7 reminder that I'm a broken POS and don't deserve my husband. But I can't lose him, so I'll do absolutely anything for him. I'll keep this up for a year if I have to, but I don't think I'll live that long if I do.
So back to my original question: what does it mean to you to "put in the work" for R?
