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One of the aspects to my affair that we are talking about more is the physical intimacy. Took a few months for my wife to get to a place she could even start to process that.

I know the common refrain is that people affair down and that was definitely the case with me. My wife is very attractive and I have often thought people think I must have been better looking when we married as there is no way she would be with me. She is still hot at our age and would have been considered hot 24 years ago when I started my affair.

One of the things I talk about in IC is how the affair was a reflection of how broken I was and really had nothing to do with my wife or our marriage. She has let me know that she covers that in her IC also. Although she knows that intellectually, she has been struggling with comparing herself to the AP even though the affair is from 20+ years ago. I reassure her that nothing she did or did not do and nothing she was or was not had anything to do with the affair. I have often told her over the years how much I am attracted to her and I continue to do so.

Despite that my wife continues to come back to feeling inadequate and it is heartbreaking. Definitely one of the hardest parts of this process is realizing that I introduced that into her mind because of the affair. Her IC has said that body shame is something many of the BS she works with has and they are working on this in therapy.

Wondering what others have experienced with this and how you reassured your BS that their attractiveness had nothing to do with the terrible choices you made. Wondering what other BS experiences have been and if anything your WS said resonated with you.

I feel like a broken record but I want you to know that I am sincere- you are doing it. You are explaining to her the truth, you are reassuring her, now just keep doing that and be patient.

Why do I say that? You did inflict the wound but this part will be her climb. It will take some time for her to process and eventually internalize what you are telling her.

One thing trauma does to the brain is it will ramp up in one area when another winds down. It’s part of self-protection, keeping part of her separate from you until feelings of safety can be restored. The pain is in the details of the affair, so when something new is introduced that becomes the biggest pain point. It will oscillate back to something else when they get sort of numb on that topic. Then, later they will go back to it fresh again.

I know what you say is true. I think occasionally someone has an affair due to overwhelming attraction but most run of the mill affairs are about convenience, proximity, and opportunity.

I have often said, who you choose to have an affair with is not the same discernment one uses to date. The dating situation is in the open which means you basically interview and qualify based on real world issues. Affairs are covert, you aren’t worried as much is this person responsible, will my family like them, are they easy enough to look at for the rest of my life.

No, affair partners are people we sense are down to commit adultry. They don’t have to be qualified or analyzed. You are most interested in the feelings affairs naturally cause- adrenaline, dopamine, and what I call a pig in mud comrades- meaning you feel fairly worthless and they are happy enough to be in the mud with you because the feel the same. Many ws report not feeling good enough for their spouse. They see their spouse as a better person than them. In an affair, there is often either some feeling of superiority or at least equality. You choose them out of your own worthlessness, thinking that you have some sort of upper hand in the situation. Yet the true instability and secrecy produces all these brain chemicals which still creates feelings of pursuit.

Your wife, the way you describe her, has been a highly functional individual. It will take some time for her to process what dysfunctions you actually had that were hidden or unnoticed. Until then, she can only process this from her more functional POV, making what you are telling her harder to understand and accept. It’s simply a process that takes time. But because functional and normal self esteem is her baseline, that will gravitate back. In fact, don’t be surprised if she finds what some of the betrayeds here call her sparkly unicorn energy, and with that will come a higher sense of what she deserves and probably higher expectations of you by the end of it.

I am not saying this isn’t hard when you are in the thick of it, more I am trying to express that all you can do is provide an environment in which she can heal. It’s best if you do not latch on too much to any given phase of that, and focus on being consistent, supportive, and continuing to work on yourself so that when she gets to that sparkly unicorn energy that you have some of that too. Make sure that when you reach those later stages you have grown into the man she deserves because she is highly likely to level up and realize her worth at the end of this arch.

I am not saying don’t be attentive or empathetic or any of the things you are truly trying to be for her right now. But just know there are parts of this you can control (you) and there are parts only she can control (her). And this wound she has is normal, natural given the situation, and it will take some time for her to heal it. Don’t be surprised she starts to do better, then it will get worse again and sometimes worse than before. Healing isn’t linear. Hood some space for her and let her go at her pace- meaning it’s not your job to try and convince her every day by trying talk her out of it. Just keep giving her answers, reassurance, love, understanding and most of all patience. You hear all the time this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Go steadfastly, gently, with intention, and know that there is nothing you can do to have her to avoid the grieving process, uncertainty in her direction at times, and focus on being her rock. But also be your own rock.

I hope this helps.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:16 PM, Wednesday, January 7th]

So so helpful. I am getting better at realizing that there is no hack to healing and there is nothing I can do to circumvent the grieving. I had a productive IC session Monday and am working on a few things including self compassion so I can show up for my wife without focusing on myself. Also talked about how anger is potentially a secondary emotion that is used to avoid the more painful emotions so that helps when I sense or see the flashes of anger.

IC also constantly reminds me that we are in such an early stage of this process. Patience has never been a strong suit, but I am getting better.

It’s hard to be patient about something that is so important to you. But because it’s that important I know you will do everything it takes. Keep focusing on self compassion. That is a lot of work to get consistent at it. It took me years and years. I steadily got better but I don’t think I got as mindful of it until maybe towards the end of year 6. Maybe mine was delayed though because we had the secondary infidelity.