Hi everyone.
First of all, thank you everyone for sharing your issues and struggles here, I know how it feels and thanks to this community for giving a space to share our experiences.
I’m writing this because I feel completely stuck and like I’ve destroyed everything. I’ve been with my BP for 3 years, and we’ve lived together for the last year.
The last few months were incredibly stressful. I was overwhelmed with "noise" in my head and, instead of talking to my BP about my feelings and how I was struggling, I chose to escape. I moved back in with my parents to "get clarity." While there, I took a trip and ended up having a 3-day affair with an AP I met there.
Looking back, I can see our relationship was at a breaking point, but I chose the most destructive exit possible instead of having an honest conversation. I ran away because I was scared or overwhelmed, and now I’ve caused a level of pain to my BP that I can’t even wrap my head around. They are in shock after I confessed (by text), and I don't know if they will ever be able to look at me the same way.
To make things worse, I am currently living with my parents. They are not supportive at all. They’ve expressed that they "hate" my BP, they haven't liked them since I first presented them to the family. My parents don't know about the cheating, but in general, they are blocking me from moving back with my BP and even speaking to them. I feel like I’m in a cage of my own making.
I’m struggling with guilt, a hostile family, and a lot of dark thoughts. I can’t forgive myself for the pain I caused my BP and I can't find a solution.
My BP hasn't broken up with me yet; they are willing to talk (mostly to understand the "why"), but I don't know if they will eventually want me back. Even if they do want to try, my family is blocking me and making the situation even harder, as much as I want to give my best to my BP.
How do you deal with all these thoughts?
