SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Often I see advice given out here that the BS needs to work on their own healing, and detach from the outcome of the marriage, and to protect themselves.

I honestly don't know what it really means to heal yourself. What exactly does that look like for a BS? What should I be doing, or not doing?

How does one protect yourself when trying to R? I can't control my wife, and she has the ability to do major damage to me in many ways. Financially, emotionally, and physically (via STD's from future or current cheating). I feel naked, and unprotected, and that tends to make me a little paranoid.

How can one partner really heal when the other partner doesn't do the work they need to do to facilitate that? I get how it's possible to heal if one were divorcing, the danger from that person is mostly gone. But when trying to R, you have to continue to be exposed to the person who hurt you, and continue to be attached to them in the many ways marriages causes people to be attached. How can you heal yourself when you need them to do things to help you feel safe again?

Isn't detaching from the marriage the exact opposite of what R is?

In the case of a spouse that is taking their time to "get there", how and when does one know that it's been enough time and they aren't going to get there? Or if one should wait longer to allow them to make the journey? I understand it takes people time to change and that real change has to be genuine, and not forced. In my case I expected much greater progress from my wife after 18 months of individual therapy, but here we are. She is making progress for sure, I see it, it just doesn't match what I had in my head. Am I expecting too much? Too little? Is it just right? How am I supposed to know?

I'm terrified of sweeping this under the rug. How can I know when I'm doing that, verses just looking at the positive and doing my part to help facilitate R? It's not a one sided thing I'm sure. But right now I tend to focus on what she is not doing, and not so much on what she has done and what I should be doing - which is really my responsibility.

I appreciate this. There are a bunch of nuances in this I suppose. I personally don't agree with each individual pursuing healing alone IF THEY ARE PURSUING recovery of the relationship. It is a relational wound and I believe it requires relational healing as the focus.

Sure individual issues will be uncovered through that process that will need to be addressed by the individual. But the focus is on the relationship.

Now if only the betrayed wants to reconcile and the wayward will not do work, well that is different. The betrayed needs to set boundaries for safety. And they will need individual therapy to guide through that.

I think you would be benefited by checking out Jake Porters "Couple Centered Recovery Model". He explains topics surrounding this in detail.