Depression is kicking my butt. I’m not keeping up with my responsibilities. I have no energy. My BH has noticed me moping around, and though I know I’m probably just experiencing an imbalance in neurochemistry, he’s taking it personally. He said to me that he thinks sharing his feelings with me is making me feel this way, and he wondered if he should stop. I begged him not to— said that it’s just generalized, clinical depression, that we’re both still healing, that his feelings are important to me and I want to hear them.
But I think he has stopped sharing them again anyway… I feel so far away from him. He has been working late most nights, and sometimes even after he gets home, he goes back into his home office to do more work. Then I have to put our daughter to bed by myself, and I drag my feet and it ends up being pretty late before I get into bed myself. I know that isn’t healthy for any of us, and our intimacy is suffering. My BH will be asleep and not responsive when I cuddle up to him, and we’re pretty much only having sex in the middle of the night if he can’t go back to sleep. He did it last night and neither of us even finished. This is causing me a lot of distress and anxiety today, making my mood even worse.
I keep thinking that if I can just get back into an exercise routine, eat well, drink plenty of water, take my meds consistently, and get enough sunlight and sleep, my mental health would improve. It just feels impossible to do all those things with depression and a distinct lack of focus. It’s a terrible cycle and I’m struggling to break it. I spoke to my IC about it, and she said I’m very insightful about myself, and she’s trying to come up with solutions to help, but coming up empty. I said "Me too."
But I have got to figure this out. I have to turn this around and put on a happy face for my BH, or else our relationship is heading down the toilet.
