Name calling is not always part of the process. And even though you are the ws you can set boundaries around that.
My husband didn’t slut shame or call names. He did feel angry, he did express it. And had he name called I probably would have picked a calmer time and said "listen you have every right to be angry, to resent me, to have overwhelming feelings that you do not know how to deal with. However, our discussions can never be productive if you are spiraling to the point you are calling me names. I will sit through every kind of discussion you want to have, but when it’s no longer productive because you are calling me names, we will need to take a break. I don’t think it makes you feel better about anything and in fact if I had to say the lashing out makes you feel worse. I understand it, I forgive it but we have to change this as part of the pattern"
The overwhelming emotions he is experiencing? That’s not going to end anytime soon. But you can curtail the name calling, and you can learn to de-escalate.
What you have done, what I have done, it’s horrific and traumatizing.
That doesn’t mean tolerating anything and everything, it means standing in it and making amends and making the best decisions you can every day towards repair. Not just repair of the relationship but repair of yourself. Both partners need an environment in which they can heal- you must provide him with it, and while he has to express normal natural feelings, he should be redirected from name calling and debasing because that crosses into an environment that you are not able to heal in. And there is no choice in the matter, healing is the only way you can save future chaos from recurring.
[This message edited by hikingout at 1:42 PM, Tuesday, February 3rd]
