SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Would you be annoyed if your wife valued everyone’s opinions, but yours?

My wife got a tattoo. She didn’t show me the designs. She didn’t say, "This is the design I’m getting — what do you think?" She didn’t even tell me when she was having it done.

I questioned my wife about this, and her response was that I didn’t ask and that I took no interest in it. The only reason I knew she was getting a tattoo was because I said I would buy it for her birthday.

She showed her family, our daughter, and her friends at work. But all I got was the bill. I would have liked to have seen the designs and talked about her thoughts with her. I wanted to feel included.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. Before she had the affair five years ago, I remember her saying that she doesn’t care what I think. If she likes something, my opinion doesn’t matter to her. It hurt then, and I still remember that day today. I thought we were past that, but after her acting like this, it makes me feel that I’m irrelevant and that my opinion really doesn’t matter with regards to her life.

This isn’t about control or saying she can or can’t have a tattoo — it’s her body, she is her own person, and she makes her own decisions. But it’s about the fact that a tattoo, which will be clearly visible and is permanent, is something you would at least talk to your husband about with regards to designs.

I brought this up, and she is now saying that it’s my fault. I should have asked, and I wasn’t interested. If she really felt that way, why hasn’t she brought this up before now? Why is she only bringing this up now that I’ve expressed feeling excluded and like I don’t matter?

Ever since her affair, I have been feeling second best — left out, always like I’m at the bottom of the queue. Everyone else seems more important.

It feels like I’m no longer allowed to express how I feel, and she shuts me down or turns it back onto me.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

No. A tatoo is a permanent body alteration. If I decide to get one I would want to know what my husband thinks more than anyone else.

I think you are making a need known you have in a relationship that she is not filling. You want to be her number one, the person she talks everything through with and she doesn’t see it that way.

After infidelity that need is probably exacerbated. Most couples who reconcile do it successfully because they dig into each others needs and learn to be conscious of them.her insensitivity tells me she is still not considering you.

Now I do think communication is important and I do think you have to convey your needs, but you have done so and she still is brushing it under the rug. Her response should have been "oh I am sorry I didn’t even think about that. I will do better moving forward I never meant to do that to you" and then you should have seen changed behavior and more checking innit something dismissive which is what she gave you.

I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do about this and I think you need to tell her this sort of thing is indicative of what you are experiencing as a whole. That what you want and need in marriage is a deeper friendship and interest in each other. If she doesn’t move the needle your feelings about this are importwnt enough to reconsider if you can reconcile with someone who is not interested in working in themselves or your relationship. This is a red flag for sure.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:16 PM, Thursday, February 19th]

Thanks for your reply, Hikingout.

Her first response was to blame me. She said that I knew she was having it done and that I should have asked. She is now saying that I took no interest in her having it done, and that if I cared, I would have asked.

I’m now starting to think that maybe it is my fault. Maybe I should have asked. maybe she is right.

She has only now brought up the fact that she thinks I took no interest in it, only once I expressed my disappointment about not being included or kept in the loop. If she was really bothered about me not taking an interest, wouldn’t she have said something before now? It works both ways.

I know we have a communication issue, but the feeling stems much deeper than that. It’s about my opinion not being valued. Do I really matter to her? Does she really care?

As you said if you was getting something like a tattoo your husband would be the first that you talked it through with.

I see this as a red flag. But it’s not just about the tattoo anymore — it’s about her twisting the narrative and making me out to be the problem.