So it has been 2 weeks since DDay.
I am still up and down, one moment i feel ok the next im picturing them together and im back down again.
I took what was said about trickle trauma and sat him down, I explained the term and that i dont want 6 months from now for something else to come out he had missed to say and we are right back to here. But I also took that to speak about things that had come to me since DDay with him, ask further questions and speak about how I am fully feeling. Asking questions has been a big thing for me right now and I will give it to him he answers all of them.
We spoke for 2 hours, covered things we had already covered on DDay but bits of that day are a blur so to cover them when I am in a less high emotional state helped.
Now oddly the physical sex yes it still hurts to think about but it's not what is effecting me the most. I now picture them going back to her place after a day of work, having the mundane 'how was your day' conversations, eating dinner together, then going to bed. The every day that has been our lives for the past 11 years, the thought of him sharing that with another woman hurts.
Simple things are making me think of them, we were sat on our bed the other night watching a show that we both love, it was nice and felt normal and natural and then the thought of when he told me they had moved her TV to the bedroom to be more comfortable watching it on the bed came to my head. I was instantly wanting to leave the room, so I did. I went downstairs and had to busy myself with the dishes and laundry to regulate myself but to also reclaim something I feel has been stolen from me.
I know this is going to take time and he did give me a few moments, then followed me and instigated the conversation how I was feeling.
Even though he has said they never watched TV in each other's arms, or snuggled so it was different and safe for me, it's the fact it still happened and it was a moment that despite being really nice was too close for comfort right now.
The anger I feel towards the OW is still big and strong, I have her blocked on all social media not so she can't contact me but mostly so I dont contact her. I know if I allowed myself to contact her it would be rage fueled horrendous things coming out of me that I would regret later down the road.
This will sound petty but the thought that she knows I know everything will be playing on her mind, she might be waiting for me to make contact and I hope that she is on edge everytime her phone buzzes or she sees someone who looks like me she will be on edge. I really hope that is happening but I know it might not.
I did see her a few days ago, I was driving and she passed me driving the opposite way. I recognised her car and saw her clearly through the windscreen.
My heart rate shot up, I felt shaky and sick and burst into tears as soon as I stopped the car.
I want her to feel the pain I do right now, but then I also despise the thought of her playing the hurt party in all this.
I want to contact her employers and tell them she is turning up to work under the influence (which my WS has told me she does) so she loses her job, I want to report her car to the police to say she drives under the influence (i dont know if this is true) just so she gets pulled over and might lose her licence, I want to make her life a living hell. But I am also a better person than that and I know no matter how much I want to do those things right now it is not the person I am.
Its my birthday in 3 days and I am so apprehensive about how my sister will be around my WS.
I hate how this now seems to be a dark cloud that is just hanging over us, I just want it gone.
Overall though things are ok, communication is continuing to improve between myself and my WS, I am working on my own healing, he is also working on him and we are working together, everything is day by day right now and I am seeing actions from him. It is really early days and im not being fooled by rose tinted glasses but I want to focus on the positives because otherwise I fear i will crumble.
I am also worried i am starting to feel like a broken record, I want some closure but I dont know what that would look like.
Signing off this hopeful one day things will feel normal.
