SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out today that my wife has started an affair. She is huge into the gym and in phenomenal shape. Unfortunately, I'm not. The last few weeks, she's been acting very different and I've had some suspicions that things were out of whack. I asked her about it and she told me that everything was fine. However, in my heart, I truly believed something was going on. She was acting different, more distant, dressing different, going out more, etc. I was hardly sleeping and she made me believe that all was fine. The thing that she said that calmed my nerves when I told her how I was feeling was "Put your trust in me".

Still, in the pit of my stomach, I knew something was off. I looked at the deleted texts in her phone - and boom - there it was. 1800 texts with some guy from the gym over the last few weeks. Some very sexual stuff. It also said that they were supposed to have sex last night. That ended up not happening because he couldn't make it...he's also married. I confronted her about it this morning and she admitted it. She went away for a few hours and we just had a long talk. She basically told me she doesn't know why she's doing this and doesn't have answers for me. She said she still loves me, is still in-love with me and that I'm the perfect husband and father. But, she said, obviously something is off with her since she chose to do this.

I didn't know my mind could work as hard as it has today. I am completely crushed. She said she wants time and space, but we obviously both live in our house with our son. That was incredibly hard as well - I found out before he went to school and asked her to talk to me outside. He knew something was wrong and had a very rough morning before my wife took him to school separately than how he normally goes (middle school carpool).

My wife then went to go workout and then talked about this with another friend she has from the gym. She got home and we talked and she said she just doesn't have any answers for me. She doesn't know why she is doing this and she wants some time and space to process and think. She doesn't want to talk to anyone else or do any marriage counseling at the moment because she wants to figure it out in her head first. She was very honest with me during this conversation and I told her I just don't understand how what we've built and our family isn't the number one priority for her. How can a different outcome even be an option?

And now, here I am with nothing but questions. I don't know what to do. I feel like there's a knife in my chest that I can't take out. I know I'm far from the only person this has happened to - but how do I move on when my bright future is now so unbelievably murky?

[This message edited by yellowdoxie at 9:00 PM, Monday, March 2nd]

I am so sorry you had to find us, but glad that you did.

You have been handed a horrific trauma - it’s a lot to deal with. Please understand that it will take you some time to get your feet back under you.

1) Take care of yourself. Many have trouble eating, sleeping. Eat healthy food, lots of water, avoid drugs and alcohol (they really don’t help -ask me how I know. ), get some exercise every day (even just a walk), and enough sleep. If you are having anxiety or trouble sleeping, so your doctor. If eating is a problem, try protein shakes. Taking care of yourself physically will help you emotionally and mentally.

2) Whatever she says, know that this is not your fault. If she was unhappy, she had tons of options to choose but she chose cheating. There is nothing you said or did that caused this. She is filling some hold in her psyche or character, and it is not because you were not enough. All marriages are imperfect and each of you is responsible for part of that. But the choice — the thousands of lies and gaslighting - those are all on the WS (wayward spouse).

3) Please read in the Just Found Out (JFO) forum, especially the posts with the bullseyes and those pinned to the top. Also read in the Healing Library. Great resources for you.

4) Who can you talk to? Is there anyone you can confide in who will support you no matter what happens? Think about IC (individual counseling) - MANY of us have found that a trauma-informed therapist can be really really helpful. Maybe you have access to resources through your EAP at work?

5) In the next few weeks, see a lawyer. Not to file for D, but to learn about the process. Knowledge is power, and the fear of the unknown traps many of us.

6) You do not have to decide to Divorce (D) or Reconcile (R) right away. It will take some time for you to sort out what is best for you. Do not do the "pick me"dance, either. We have seen it so often- and it never works.

7) Do not have unprotected sex with her until BOTH of you have been tested for a full panel of STI/STD. She must show you the results, because cheaters lie. A lot. You may experience "hysterical bonding" - totally normal. But don’t put yourself at risk.

8) Do not sweep this under rug or think that in a few weeks it will all go back to normal. Unfortunately, infidelity takes years to recover from. But the first couple months will be you in shock. Your emotions will be all over the place- totally normal.

Lastly, keep posting and hang in there. You will get through this. It’s really rough, but we’ve all been there and know that you will survive.

Hello yellowdoxie. Welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join.

Read the "Tactical Primer" pinned to the top of the JFO Forum. Also, the newbies thread.

In the pop down menu at the top of the page you'll find a link to The Healing Library. Inside the "Articles" tab you'll find a wealth of excellent essays written by veteran SI members. These essays are a great place to start your journey of recovery and healing.

Please understand that the majority of WS (wayward spouses) will lie, blame-shift, deflect, obfuscate, minimize and attempt to justify their adultery. Like anyone else busted for wrong doing, they will go straight into "damage control" mode. Be prepared for any combination of this nonsense.

For most people, the betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock and a severe emotional and psychological trauma. For a while you're going to experience a shitstorm of emotions, thoughts and anxiety. Know that this is a completely normal reaction. You can mitigate the effects by consciously doing your best to take care of yourself.

Stay hydrated. Dink lots of water.

Avoid alcohol and rec drugs. They will only prolong the suffering.

"Hit the gym." I know it's a cliche, but the endorphins and hormones will help.

Consult your PCP and let him/her know what's going on with you. Most likely they've heard it before.

For months after d-day (discovery day), I couldn't function. I lost over 30lbs in less than three months, couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate, remember shit, and experienced a roller-coaster of emotions. It was all perfectly normal.

Do not start marriage counseling. Not yet. At some point in the future, if reconciliation is a possibility, marriage counseling might help. Individual counseling for both of you is the way to go.

I know this is difficult, brother. It's the most painful and challenging shit I've ever experienced. Know that you will recover and heal. It takes time and a little self care, and it's a long journey, but you will get there.

Keep reading and posting here. This wonderful little community of ours saved my sanity. There is tremendous wisdom to be found here.

I’d worry she wants "time and space" to have sex with him, to see if she really wants him. She’s been anticipating this.

Read "Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo" by Michele Langley. Two volumes; quick read. She has a website you can download from. Explained my WW to a "tee."

Summary: Wives who cheat have usually left the marriage and don’t come back.

Best wishes.