Long-time sporadic user over the years, with my first d-day being way back in 2009, but again in 2012, which would be the first time I ever posted here, but lost my account info sometime after. I have many d-days, not all ended in full discovery. I have had many mini d-days since 2009.
Anyway, in 2023, I was here with odd feelings after arguments; the way my husband was acting brought a lot of buried emotions to the surface. I came and posted here, got great advice as always.
So, after that last post, he came home from his work trip, and it got loud and ugly.
He maintained there was no current object of his desire.
He was acting off due to stress; we'd just bought a new house, and our kid was having surgery.
It didn't sit well with me, for months, things were weird for me. I am in school, and until the spring of last year, I had a 4.0 every semester.
Spring of last year, I just broke. He was on and on about how I was going to leave him for someone else, a professor or someone I stand to meet when I get a job. Then, I got hit on quite heavily at a concert, and he, in the days after, would act like an asshole over it. He accused me of dancing for the guy. I was "bouncing my ass" at him, but I was at a concert, and the dude was in the row behind us.
He did some traveling in 2024, and I don't know if I was just feeling or FEELING, but it was hard. He wants to reassure me, and he can't anymore; healing is all on me.
Eventually, I sat my husband down and told him we were done, and that I knew he'd been lying for years. This got heavy; he eventually took several hours to write out each infidelity. Be it sex or interactions he had hid with women, because ultimately sex was on his mind. He admitted to full sex with two women- one time each, one attempted hookup he claims he backed out on, several flirty relations with women at work, talking poorly about his marriage to women, and paying twice for some cam girls (that I can prove 2017 and 2019) The kicker for me is that he claims his adult friend finder account was only for videos. His story has changed a few times after he wrote it out.
Anywho, real-life women he remembers pursuing, etc., is at an admitted number of 20. I counted, these are the women and exchanges he "remembers." I brought up everything, every feeling I ever had. I began to hammer him relentlessly about the time my sister told my other sister that he'd been making very physical advances on her. This was along with D-Day 2012, when I learned of sex with a woman in his office, and my sister's story. The sister who told me broke a big family secret that nobody was ever going to tell me. I never dealt with it. He claimed just being horny, being stupid, thinking we were over for his cheating on me in his office. And my sister, well, she played victim. Still, she is my little sister, so I sided with her, blaming only my husband as some sex crazed monster; we almost divorced, but I just let it drop. Over the years, my sister stayed so friendly with him; she consistently called him her favorite brother-in-law. So, one day last spring I also called her up, cussed her smooth out, and got a new story. For three years, she and my husband were flirty and handsy with one another; he'd tell her how he wanted to fuck her, and she'd tell him "but you're married to my sister." She would hug him, sit on his lap, and basically encourage it the whole time. She knew he had cheated on me, I went to her in tears. This is how she acted with my cheating husband lol
When I confronted her, she denied any part in it again. It was all him. Bullshit, I know him. He is fragile, and rejection hurts. I threatened violence and complete removal from my life, and that is what I basically got. Oh, and she did it all because the attention made her feel better after being dumped by two guys in two years. In some ways, I think my husband felt better hearing it all- He may be a slut, but he isn't a predator. I am convinced they had a little affair of sorts going on, hooking up when they could. They both deny it, and she hasn't called him her fav bro-in-law since I pointed out how sick it is that she considers him as such.
My son had another surgery, his recovery was rough, and I felt really angry and unsettled for many reasons; my husband and I argued nearly every day. I felt depressed, my GPA hit 3.2, and I took the summer off. Arguing, makeup, argue again. I bring up a question I KNOW he won't answer to my satisfaction. Or he can't remember, but he "thinks" this or that, or "likes to think"...
Me, well I think there is a lot more, if not just in the number, then certainly in the details and context he leaves out, claims he can't remember, stories are all screwed up, not logical, not rational...
I have been mean, verbally, I have sliced and diced this man to pieces. I can't NOT do it. For all of last year, some of this one. I have told him he is trash, garbage, a community dick, a sorry ass father who chased ass while his kids hoped he'd come and interact with them. His value as a human being I have called to question, kicked him out, asked him back once, kicked him out thrice more, and he came back home the same night. He took this assessment online, which warned him that he has strong traits associated with NPD and to seek counseling. I read up on that. It's a fairly odd area, it seems, a lot of hype, everyone is a narcissist, but my dude fits the label in this scary way. Covert is the term the assessment used, and the way he would swoon over any compliment a woman gave him, the way he would shrink when I would throw loud and angry back at him, his periods of isolation and risky behavior. He says he love sme, always has. That he didnt always understand why he did certain things, or felt like he did. That he wanted to pretend certain things didn't happen, and if I never knew, they never did. He listened to some audiobooks and came to me one day and said that he understood himself better. That he needed attention, craved being wanted, and that he wanted me too, but needed this validation from others, usually sexually. I will say when we were young and had friends, he was clingy with his male friends, not in some secret sexual way, but if they had other friends, I would feel he was jealous of that. He always wanted them around; he was oddly dependent on others, even me, demanding my attention if I was speaking, etc. Fit the mold of NPD from what I can tell.
In January, I sat myself down, told myself I have to make a decision. I began to try and just forgive him for everything, even the things I suspect that he denies. His suggestion, just to put it on him, but stay, move forward. He is the model husband most days, he could be a great husband and friend even when he was cheating and lying, but problems came when I found out, suspected. Sure, he'd get distant, and things would be off, part of what would trigger my suspicions, but he was never awful the way I read and hear other cheating spouses to be. He has been above and beyond, present and here. Life is easier, money is better, and kiddo is doing better.
We were cleaning out an old box, and I found a tag that had his name on it, a pass to a holiday party in 2022, which I can't remember him saying he went to. There is nothing in our messages, etc. In late 2022, we moved, he was sort of off, and by mid-2023, he was acting really off. See where I am headed? He was installing a TV mount in our kids' room, it's a bright sunny day, and then boom, it wasn't. I try to stay busy, stash the tag in my desk. He comes out and he senses it, right off the bat. I sit down, show him the badge, and ask him about it. He says that I knew, we talked about it...I can't remember that. I call him a liar, and here we are four days later.
He is on his way to work. He has a 3-hour drive; we just argued. He yelled at me, says he has given me the truth, isnt lying anymore, and is at a loss what to do. I feel like ha, you're lost? Buddy, you just came "clean" a year ago about 17 years of lying and you are lost? I feel like what a weak ass bitch to put me through this storm but can't stand to be wet himself. I'd told him last year he was nothing more than my paycheck, that after giving him all these years, he would support me through school, pay all my bills, and watch me become a person he would never know. He agreed, we made up after, I said it again, make up.... I have said all kinds of things. He has too. He also says he loves me. Today, I think he believes it's over. He really is exhausted, and I feel bad for him. I know he is hurting, I am too, and this time I can't just stop it. It feels beyond me. This marriage is really over, I suspect. I am devastated because, as fucked as it all is, I love him. Its not trauma, I read the books, did the things. He is a wonderful man in many ways, he deserves to be happy. I should call him, say it's all okay, but he is right about something he said on the phone earlier, I will be okay, then hate him again, and he is right. I love him, 20 years, kids, and a home we just bought. So much beauty, so much treachery. Thanks for listening.
[This message edited by Floating82 at 3:20 PM, Wednesday, March 11th]
