On DDay and the weeks and months after, I found that, outside of my personal therapy sessions, I had no one in my life to talk with, to vent or cry with, to struggle with putting the pieces back together. I'd review my circle of guy friends and find reasons why none of them were likely candidates. In many cases, it was because my WS and I are part of the same social circle, so, I felt that fronting her A to any of these guys would quickly spread throughout our circle and it would be like outing her and potentially subjecting her to all manner of grief. Ditto for family. Yes, I get that protecting her was a questionable choice, but, I also know that I was protecting me. And, even though we are in a very good couples therapy where we can work stuff out in our sessions, I am still aware that my lack of guys to talk honestly with is still a big issue...and, I am so happy to have found this group!
Next is the role of each member of the couple in healing....the most common idea is that only you can heal you - goes for both the BS and the WS. This is certainly true when it comes to rebuilding my sense of worth, my value, and, most important, my power to shape my life going forward in ways that serve me, my needs, my desires...and that, should I find that my WS is not able to R and I choose to leave the marriage, I can and will find happiness.
But, there's another way to slice this cake. My therapist put it this way - your wife threw a grenade into your marriage and blew it to pieces. And, she lied about the depth of intimacy in the A, so, when I discovered the evidence (secrets always come out!) and confronted her and she admitted that she slept with the OP, she blew the pieces into smaller pieces. The question is: having blown your relationship to pieces, will she help to put them back together...and, in a way that you both can trust and accept and feel great about? It seems reasonable to me that this is work for both of us - one person can heal themselves, but, one person can't heal a relationship.
