So it´s been a while.
I have posted in the past about my case, in detail my repeated betrayals (two "online things" one in person thing, not consumated, but close) and they were spread apart in years) I got "pardoned for the firsts and the last one (an online cam service thing) broke the camels' back.
My wife and I have been on couples therapy for a few months now. She just barely started her Individual therapy. and we are navigating this journey together.
Romantic closeness wither verbal or physical is still off the picture. She has, however, accepted more often phyisical non romantic closeness, we sit together, our bodies touching each other, she accepts massages, we watch series or play together.
Stress and work sometimes make us comfrontational, but that is normal every day life with a lot of work and kids.
Sometimes (specially lately) I get a bit too much: I push, I approach her more than often, hug her... in her words almost as much or more than at the beginning.
I understand her boundaries on a pragmatic level, however I am a very affectionate person, I like and long for closeness with her.
I am committed however. I don´t have a "deadline" I will work on it by her side, and showing up every day as long as it is needed as long as she wants to fight and work for it too, and then some.
It hurts at times., now feeling "loved" in the romantic sense. But I have hope that time and work and creating the right environment can provide fertile ground for this to re emerge.
I know this much: I cannot force or make another person to love me and trust me again... I can just become my best version and create a loving and trusting environment. This much I try my best to do (sometimes I fail, sure) I want to give this my best try, ever.
Personally, I have been at threapy for a while now. I started medication for a lifelong undiagnosed ADHD which has done a bit of help, specially with thought loops and impulse control. Porn is out of the picture for a long time. And I am retraining my libido and my sexuality on my own, back to imagination and much less frequent.
Training, trying to eat healthier.
I cannot say it is always a straight line, I have my fall backs (never another infidelity again, nothing remotely close, but I mean inconsistencies with my progress, my dependency in sticking to do what i say I will... etc. I am sometimes inconsistent with my work but I am doing better.
I am taking more responsibilities, trying to be of as much service at home and for her wellbeing as I can.
Anxiety strikes sometimes, of course. I long for a kiss, a hug, something :) It is almost "teenage like" it has it charm as a process, internally. I t has it humps also, and I cannot say I am always hopeful, I have my DARK days. I used to dump a lot of this on her (not willingly, but it was hard for me to keep it in...) I am better at that too, the medication has helped, I must admit.
All in all, I cannot say the relationship reconciliation has "progressed" or maybe it has? We get along well, we argue less, and we apologize quicker. She treats me with care and sometimes she uses a sweet voice to call me and it makes my heart smile.
Sometimes I wish to lean more on her, I´ve had moments I could have used that... but I manage. I am becoming a better person.
I still wait, who knows :)
wish me luck!
thank you for being there and giving me your thoughts when I needed them the most. I still do.
Maybe a BS can share their experience. What can I do better? I wanna be as helpful and supportive as possible.
Thanks!
