SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,
Yearlong lurker, first time poster.
 
I won’t get into all the details of my story since it’s a wild ride, but in short D-Day was almost a year ago. I (34F) discovered that my WH (41M) had been having an EA with a coworker. The affair been going on for 8 months. The fallout of D-Day led to the additional discovery of multiple instances of online infidelity throughout the course of our almost 5-year marriage, but that’s too much to get into with one post.
 
WH cut all ties with AP after discovery, and we’re working to rebuild our marriage. For his part he has actively worked to pursue and drive reconciliation efforts (individual & couples’ therapy, disclosure to trusted family & friends for accountability, full access to all accounts, phone, etc.) and is remorseful, but everything has been hard for me to navigate emotionally. There is one hurdle we’re trying to navigate now that has proved especially difficult for me.
 
WH has always dreamed of being a pilot. Ever since he was a child. His family has a strong aviation background, so he grew up around planes and people who love planes. This dream is something we’ve discussed since the early days of our relationship/marriage (before AP entered the picture), but he never had the opportunity to pursue.
 
Apart from being his coworker, AP is currently a student pilot – so this shared passion for aviation is one of the things they bonded over. She even promised to help teach him how to fly.
 
Recently he’s renewed focus on trying to pursue a career as a pilot. He states part of this is a desire to reclaim aspects of himself that he loved before he shared them with AP and they were "tainted" by the affair, but another large part is due to extreme discontent in his current workplace and a drive for a more fruitful career. And time is running out the older he gets to realize this dream. I want to be supportive since I know this is something he’s always strived for, but I have some understandable trepidation about him pursuing this now given the connection with AP.
 
I don’t know fully what the odds are that they’ll run into each other – we’re in a tristate metro area with a huge aviation focus, and her school is not in our state. He is actively avoiding areas she had discussed with him to minimize the risk of bumping into each other, and bringing me along when possible. I guess I’m more concerned with the lingering memories, connection, etc. and what actively placing himself in a situation that reminds him of her means.
 
I know that ultimately I have no control over that, and I’m trying to just let him show me with his actions what he’s capable of doing in regards to rebuilding our marriage. The struggle I’m facing is more with me personally feeling like an unsupportive spouse because of my hesitation and connections this has with AP.
 
Any thoughts on how to navigate this? Am I being blind (again) and ignoring a giant red flag in him choosing to pursue a career in flying now? Or am I overreacting due to fear?
 
Thanks for your time & support.

This might not be directly on topic but here goes…

I don’t think there are many careers with a lower return on investment than a commercial pilot. To even make the cut of being eligible for the next step you need hours and hours of fly-time simply to get the basic pilot license, and then more hours to get the next stage, the next stage and the next stage before even being eligible for a professional license. By the time you can even apply for an interview for a paid job as a pilot you are heavily financially invested, and all the young pilots in their early thirties, right out of the military with glowing recommendations and proven training will be ahead of your husband. And that’s for the small commercial town-hopping routes.
The glamorous fly-to-distant-destinations jobs… once you graduated with your engineering degree while getting your pilots license, did your time in the Air Force, maybe a couple of years lake-jumping in Alaska and then a couple of years on the minor routes with Delta/AA/JetBlue as co-pilot before being selected for 6 months training in simulators and THEN advancing to the Big Planes – as copilot.
At 40… your hubby will be all of 45 or so before he can even start looking at a career hauling freight between villages in some remote destination. If he get’s hired ahead of all the younger pilots…
Frankly – It’s like if I at 60+ were to rekindle my teenage-dream of becoming a world-renowned rock drummer.

I think your husband needs a dose of reality…
Maybe a career that is involved with the aerospace industry, or a private pilots license for personal enjoyment… Or maybe just MS Flight Simulator…

On the infidelity side:
Yes – he could meet her again if he rekindles his pilot-fantasy. But seeing as how she’s a co-wprker and for all I know they still work together… then if he wanted this to start again he could anyways.

I think his time and your marital money would probably be better spent with IC where he works on why he’s so unsecure and therefore unhappy with his life’s trajectory.

I agree that if they're still co workers I'd be far more concerned about that than the chance of them bumping into each other in the aviation world.

Right now I think he should be more focused on your marriage than majorly switching gears and pursuing a career with the kind of time investment that commercial piloting involves at 40 years old.