SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been no contact with my father for about 8 years. We haven't been close since he cheated on my mother, and while I didn't cut him out immediately, I certainly viewed him in a worse light and kept only sporadic contact. Naturally, when I went through my own personal instance of betrayal, it soured my view of him even further. I eventually stopped all communication and haven't spoken to him in nearly a decade.

Last week I was at my mother’s for dinner and he showed up out of the blue. My mother and father have always remained on fairly amicable terms, despite me and one of my sisters cutting him off. He had stopped by to drop off presents for my other sister’s upcoming baby shower, as she is the only one who keeps contact. The encounter was incredibly strange. I am generally a fairly combative and outspoken person, but the shock left me feeling nothing but intense awkwardness. He was very happy to see me and attempted to shake my hand and hug me. I was mid-meal and could barely look at him. He pulled up a chair and started asking about my life. He’d heard I was getting married later this year and insisted he wanted to put some money toward the wedding. Either because of the shock or the sheer discomfort of the moment, I stayed cordial, thanked him for the offer, and we exchanged numbers before he left.

Now I am left with a major moral dilemma. Would it be hypocritical to take his money? It is not that I strictly need it, but it would certainly make the day nicer and relieve an ounce of stress. He wouldn't be expecting an invitation as we are eloping anyway, so there is no worry about a forced obligation to have him there. It is just an internal conflict. Part of me feels like I should take the money because he is my father and I am due some form of reparations for his past behavior. The other part of me feels like I should refuse it on principle because he shouldn't be allowed to buy his way into being any part of my life or my wedding. I am struggling with whether this is a case of "take what you're owed" or if taking it compromises my integrity after being no contact for so long. What would you do?

If I remember correctly, you’re not in my camp as a Christian. As one who seeks to live with a Biblical worldview, I would consider receiving the cash as a means of honoring your father, while in no way condoning anything else. You know him best, so perhaps ask yourself if he’d interpret such acceptance as you signaling a desire for reconciliation. In other words, why not?

Taking the money potentially opens the door (from his point of view) to further involvement and communication - maybe not an invitation to the wedding, but he might see it as a more general opportunity. Is that something you want?

Having read many of your other posts, I think you like to act on principles, not feelings. In the long run, my instinct says that you will retain the high ground in your relationship with him if you refuse the money. That is the more principled stand.

If you'd rather work on forgiving him and you want to open the door to further contact with him, then by all means take the money.

@gr8ful

​You are correct; I am a card-carrying atheist. I don't subscribe to any inherent moral obligation to "honor my father" just because of the biological tie. I believe in honoring those who treat me well. In this case, he destroyed our family unit and my connections with my extended family, so in my eyes, he is owed no honor.

​I have no desire or intention to reconcile with him. While I suspect he knows that me taking the money won't magically open that door, I do worry that he will internally interpret this as a form of forgiveness—which I am absolutely not willing to give. My motivation is simple: I want the money so I can have a slightly more extravagant day than I would otherwise. That is the beginning and end of it.

@NoThanksForTheMemories

​I think you hit the nail on the head. I feel conflicted because taking the money doesn't sit right with my principles. I can try to frame it as a "tax" I’m owed for having an absent father to alleviate my concerns, but I’m struggling with whether that’s a genuine justification or just a rationalization because I want to have my cake and eat it too. I'm trying to figure out if the benefit of the extra cash is worth the feeling that I’ve compromised my own boundaries.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 11:14 PM, Thursday, April 9th]

So... I've been here too.

If you're asking this question, well you and I don't have a typical father/child relationship where the answer to that question is an obvious "Yes, of course you should! It's a gift. It's your father. Why wouldn't you?".

You are highly introspective and intelligent. You know him and you know the relationship. You are insightful. Do you want to do this? I think you know what happens next with him. No one here does. I don't. Can you handle it and the consequences? How will you feel? Will you be ok? There's nothing wrong with your decision either way. You know that.

Congratulations on your marriage. Best wishes!

Would it be hypocritical to take his money?

Absolutely. Of that, I have no doubt.

That's not why I'm replying on your thread, however.

I understand your anger. Although my father never admitted it to me, I'm fairly certain he cheated on my mother. I've had plenty of reasons to be angry with him aside from that. I didn't speak with him for a couple of years when I was in my early twenties.

Over the decades since, however, I have made my peace with him. Actually, I should say that I've made my peace with myself.

My father passed away two weeks ago. I already miss him and always will.

I don't know what other grievances you have with him, if any. Perhaps he was also terribly cruel to you as well. You haven't mentioned that. If that's the case, then I would certainly understand and support the distance.

However, if his infidelity is the only reason you keep the distance, then I would say that your problem isn't with him, but with you.

Nothing will ever change the fact that he is your father. From what you have shared, it seems rather clear that he wants to reestablish a relationship with you. Holding on to your resentment may hurt him, but from my own experience, I'd say that you're also hurting yourself.

From what I've seen of your posts here, I think you'll be happier in the long run if you turn it down.