SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have more questions about my own relationship to ask later but this particular one I've been looking for advice on for a while in concern to my writing, but fundamentally I think this is probably a personal question too so that's what I'm asking here. (Alternate version is currently my bio for later reference)

My experience and perspective on things is not remotely normal, I've tried to ask several writing forums about this but the topic made them uncomfortable, and I really hope its okay to ask here. (Also since this one references my writing at the end I wasn't sure to put it here or in off topic)

....

The List of Things:

• I'm ADHD/Mildly show stronger Autism symptoms (I don't think this factors nowadays but it did cause the original delay in me learning how to date/the expectations)

• I'm a sex positive Demisexual with a high libido, and possibly Demiromantic too but we haven't been able to confirm that. (Translated, the above means I personally struggle to feel sexual attraction towards individuals until 'a bond has formed' which to my perspective is becoming randomly and extremely horny months or years later. It can be annoying, especially since I have a high libido to begin with and nothing to direct it at. I've found some outlets gradually that are able to work on me, but it was not a 'just google something' solution I've heard people suggest before. It took more than two years of training and conditioning myself for the 'pictures' or 'video' methods to even start to give something.)

• I have Quasiplatonic tendencies. As mentioned with the above, it can be difficult to find and 'aim' a target for 'desires', which results in functionally finding outlets for erotic activity and emotional attachment with my friends etc in non physical and codependent ways. (aka *THIS WILL BE IN A RELATIONSHIP POST LATER* I'm not only here to interview people or anything like that)

• I was essentially a Incel/Stalker Ex Boyfriend but now 7 years reformed (used bio gender for account if that factors in). Behaviorally/mental health wise, I'm past everything but seeing the worst in others was how I lived for a period of about 9 years. (I've done an ask about anonymous about confessing this knowledge/experience to my to-be-someday in-laws, and got a decisive 'hell no' and some choice insults, which now has be a bit worried about acknowledging that it happened the way I used to bring it up in interactions/getting to know people. I stressed the years but the answers trended towards being an 'if ever than forever'/'reacting like its recent' just from the terms Incel & Stalker in the question.) ['Stalker' behavior only happening in the very first quasiplatonic attachment situations, debatably at 3 different people but at least two, and that was enough for me to notice I was growing possessive/obsessive over people like it was a relationship when it wasn't.]

• My main experiences of dating has been a (mostly?) mutual separation in which they found someone more local and to their tastes while we were still in an active relationship. I have no idea if this weird pattern of being dumped after they kissed/slept with someone else already and that still being a conversation is normal. All I know for sure is it did hurt and they didn't feel very emotionally invested in me in some cases or just found something better in other years long relationships. Some I'm still in contact with while some drifted, but at the initial break up we remained friends for a period afterwards. As mentioned I have no idea if this level of direct communication is normal or if it counted as cheating to be dumped after the act occurred. A lot of people who did agree to be girlfriend/boyfriend to me are poly, which I don't mind, but 'dumped after replacement is found' was the standard in all that counted as more long term and I thought serious.

....

Rambles out of the way, the kind of relationship I have in the series I've been working on through all of that is one about (typical?) marital cheating in which one or both partners in marriage get emotionally invested/have sex with someone or someones outside the marriage.

Originally this plot point was a mythology reference, but the longing/unrequited/tragic aspect was original to the work from the above life experience. Now though I keep questioning and fixating on it, trying to figure out why its such a strong theme that I don't let go of even though I have some difficult in making it how I want the story to be. Likewise the fact the story still counts as 'Romance' (+Tragedy/Thriller) has a lot of people both interested and iffy with it. I don't try to make it positive in anyway, but the Protag is the person who falls for manipulation and chases after a married woman; even if years later she realizes that what she did (nearly getting herself killed and later leaving him to die in a fire she caused) was undeniably cruel especially because he still believed the lies, mourned her, and blamed himself even after everything she knowingly did. This being the reconciliation aspect, although 'getting back together fully' is still a plot point I've been debating; they're 'together' enough to be interacting with each other but they live separately and in no way coparent the kids that were directly hurt by said affair. He is the only one parenting and making excuses for her/trying to convince the kids she was a good person 'while she was alive'. (Her having a crisis in the background not knowing how to parent or really care but being guilted.)

And for the question of 'which character most like you' etc; "The Idiot", (Protag), the guy who is the affair partner and fell for the manipulation/latched onto her in the first place, is the closest thing I have to a self insert (as I don't do them).

So, yeah :/

"Do I even know what Cheating is?"

You came on a website for people who are in pain from infidelity and its consequences to ask about a writing plot? Ugh. Please don't. That's just not ok, bro.

@KitchenDepth5551 I'm not just here for writing. As mentioned I have other questions, I'm just starting with this because I don't know where I stand or if my relationships count as because its been so weird. Please read the full post, I'm sorry for the misunderstanding but I promise I'm not only going to talk about that.

Also I do hear what you're saying, and if the comments are unanimous on this I'll delete this post and only do the direct relationship ones. But it will just be a repeat of this sans the writing reference and with my info on my current relationship.

I have read the rules for posts already and drafted and edited before making a post. I do have a lot more personal questions but I wanted to just start with a baseline. I'm truly sorry if this is in the wrong area or isn't close enough to the rules. I'll fix it where I can or make a new post based on your feedback.

I really am sorry. I have a lot of anxiety about posting things or even discussing this kind of personal stuff online. I don't have good experiences actively posting on forums and I don't want to cause anyone problems. Please let me know what to do and again I'm sorry for not doing this right. :(

Whether it's your sole intent or not, asking a group of people who are all devastated and still reeling from an affair for tips on plot points in a book involving infidelity... well, read the room. I'm assuming you know what "triggers" are?

That said, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around how someone could be demisexual and have a strong libido at the same time...

If you want to know "what cheating is," avail yourself of the resources found in the healing library at the top. There's a drop-down that will lead you to several articles and many go very in depth about the subject.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:11 AM, Friday, April 10th]

Clarifications:

For the 'mutual' mention, I was still hurt by it each time and was messed up for over a year and a half each time just spiraling, but it also felt like I was the only person feeling that and it was wrong to say anything to them about it. For the longest time it felt like I wasn't worth wanting, I desperately clung onto anything, but I never blew up on people after what happened when I first realized I got attached to my friends. I've always been so scared of messing up and being a burden, and especially about speaking up when things feel wrong. Learning to not be a jerk took away what self esteme I had and its taken me a long time just to be able to talk to people and not panic about them hating me. Or just to confide things in friends or my girlfriend and know they won't freak or ditch me for saying something stupid. And it always feels like everything I say or ask is stupid.

Tell your situation linearly and people here can try to help you through it. Don’t ask for help turning infidelity into a really cool story.

For the 'mutual' mention, I was still hurt by it each time and was messed up for over a year and a half each time just spiraling, but it also felt like I was the only person feeling that and it was wrong to say anything to them about it. For the longest time it felt like I wasn't worth wanting, I desperately clung onto anything

This is all pretty normal. Being cheated on is a very deep wound. Some have described the pain as being worse than losing a loved one. Only topped by the loss of your own child. PTSD symptoms are common and the trauma can linger for years. Some folks have come here still messed up from betrayals that happened 20 or even 30 years ago.

To answer one of the questions I think you asked, a partner getting involved with someone else before breaking up with you would indeed be considered cheating.

(Still not sure how replies work)

@Pogre

"Read the Room" - I tried and this was my second attempt that seemed a good balance of saying everything, but I'm going to fix this and make this better / delete this and try harder and come back in a few days with a better worded post. Again I am very sorry I messed everything up this bad. :(

"Demisexual vs Libido" - This one I have to answer a lot. The best I can tell is that the first time I actually made a connection/crush at 16 it clicked and never stopped happening in waves. I had my first contact with things [City of Angels, Sex in the City, Rob Roy, Late Night Direct TV] when I was 9 and puberty/period started after that, but it never once happened and I never had any romantic interest until that obsession and sex drive hit out of nowhere, and I didn't know how to react to it. What we've collectively figured out since is that I'm still Ace and still have a lot of trouble connecting desires to people, but the waves of libido don't stop they're just not triggered by any person or media. For Aces, 'Sex Positive' just mean you aren's disgusted or physically repelled by sex, and there's a lot of ways people express and deal with it. For me I'm one that can function just fine on alone time and don't feel desires to interact with anyone but my partner (and that's only because we're at a point 3 years in where that connection has triggered and we can celebrate me being able to feel aroused again). [It sounds very dumb but genuinely we and my friends have this reaction because its so hard for me to manage that.]

"Resources" - I've looked into a lot over my life and that's part of what lead me here. I haven't been able to find anyone comfortable enough to discuss it whether its about writing or me, and those who have listened have some of the same confused questions like above. I don't mind discussing most things but there are some parts I'm not comfortable with, though I will try to explain where I can. I try my best to be respectful and I don't normally ask to be respected back or anything aggressive like that, but I have been told I should do that more.

@Letmebefrank

**DEFINITELY** not asking how to 'write a cool story'. That part I'm very aware would be insensitive. I do want to know though if my personal experiences are even relatable as that felt safe enough to ask and it has been worrying me for a long time. I had similar questions to a romance writing group trying to figure out if what I've felt is even 'love' in the same sense as everyone else, since it me it feels a lot like lust and obsession as my affection and care it kinda the same to everyone I know personally. Its a difficult conversation and I know with them it did annoy a lot of people at first, but gradually they adopted me and that experience is a lot of why I felt brave enough to tempt posting here and getting to know all of you.

(Hopefully formatting works)

**~TRIGGER WARNING~**

@Pogre

"This is all pretty normal. Being cheated on is a very deep wound. Some have described the pain as being worse than losing a loved one. Only topped by the loss of your own child. PTSD symptoms are common and the trauma can linger for years. Some folks have come here still messed up from betrayals that happened 20 or even 30 years ago."

It was kinda like my experience with suicidal depression, but two of them also happened in the middle of all that so it might have just compounded it. It was a lot of chest hurting, crying, feeling back to square one on feeling isolated and me not really understanding how to improve on my people skills which were already at their lowest. It took a lot of growing to get better at dating and pleasing people, but the worries definitely stuck around on my mind and in every interaction.

PTSD wise, this happened with one of the quasiplatonic ones and an ex-friend. Namely the first stuck as a memory that gave me a lot of anxiety and made me panicking about acting too close to people vs me desperately trying to understand what was wrong with me to have had that sudden attachment and obsession. (It was very much a 'what is wrong' at the time because I was still losing it mentally over other things in my life and if genuinely felt like my sexuality was another symptom I was going insane and I genuinely just wanted to go back to not feeling anything about a person ever).

The bit with the ex-friend meanwhile was several years later when it felt like I was fully recovered from everything. It started out as a fight between two others that I wasn't around to moderate, me playing peacemaker afterwards making them feel distant, and then when I got a text message I treated it as normal and unknowingly gave unwanted advice/unwanted constructive criticism. Ex-Friend freaked out as that was the final straw, and that triggered me back to my panicky message spamming and what is probably considered stalking there account, which they already had trauma about and completely burned that bridge. Even though that time of me relapsing was short it was actively giving me panic attacks for 2&1/2 years and it took me till 4&1/2 for me to let go of the fact they wouldn't be coming back and also wouldn't go mental on me for removing their access to things of mine. The fear that they'll be upset with me if we meet again has lingered 6+ later, even though their last message did say they didn't feel as personally angry at me and my friend (who was the one they were mad at) insists that wherever they are they absolutely aren't still mad about that. And from what I can tell it was only the fact I relapsed into a bad behavior that gave me that prolonged anxiety and paranoia.

....

"To answer one of the questions I think you asked, a partner getting involved with someone else before breaking up with you would indeed be considered cheating."

In a way that's good to hear. I've been told twice that it wasn't since I knew they were poly and it was the assumption at the time that poly people can't cheat. Plus the whole part about them coming to tell me first and me not getting angry or feeling a stronger attachment to them being gone. (But as mentioned above, that feels more like part of me essentially 'malfunctioning' when it comes to attachment and that something still happened even if I couldn't express or understand exactly what.)