Hello,
Just wanted to share my story in hopes that someone on here can relate and offer some guidance. I have been married for 6 years and together for about 13. I recently decided to tell my wife that I kept in touch with an ex girlfriend off and on since 2018.
My ex and I talked probably about 10 or so times and it just felt normal because we have always kept in touch and the conversations seemed normal to me for so long. We would talk about just friend type things. Never talked bad about my spouse or anything like that. We would check in about life and family things and then would go 6 months or years before even communicating again. I almost even told my wife because I wanted to see if she could come with me to go visit her sick father. I obviously didn't tell her and never went to see my ex's father. Deep down I started to feel that it was wrong and didn't want to admit it.
Anyways, years go by and there was a few months period where we talked again but suddenly more often and that let to one late night conversation where she asked me if I was happy. I said yes but I didn't shut the conversation down completely like I should have. I entertained the idea of her talking about how I was the love of her life and all that and I said something along the lines of like too bad and but I cant be there for you. That conversation was flirtatious and I cant remember all the details but after that night I knew what I was doing was wrong. I felt the guilt immediately. I stopped communication then. I deleted my social media accounts and told myself that I can just stop now and it will be fine.
About a year ago I had a massive panic attack and all of a sudden this thought in my head told me to confess everything and it felt like an obsession loop that just would not go away. I decided to see a therapist again to try to talk about this. Now Ive always had health anxiety / OCD symptoms off and on my whole adult life and I felt I wasn't sure how to approach this. Before I could even get to the appointment I just decided to tell my wife. I eventually gave her the whole timeline and told her about that conversation that night. Its been about 8 months since Ive told her and honestly I think it was the best decision I ever made. It has made us discuss so much more about our past and to be honest we are communicating better than ever.
The issues I am struggling with is that I am still spiraling into the guilt and shame. Almost 24/7. Its an obsessive thought that just sits in the back of my head all day. I only get relief by talking about it or confessing it. Its to the point where my wife is sick of me bringing it up and I feel like I dont know where to go from here. We are starting couples therapy in a few weeks even though things are going so well but I just dont know where to go from here. I tell my OCD therapist that I feel like I need to contact my ex to get the text messages to show my wife every detail but he says that I need to respect my wife's wishes not to reach out. I have friends telling me that I shouldn't have even said anything and then I have people telling me that I did the right thing by telling her. Also people telling me to just let it go. I know I did the right thing but I cant help but keep beating myself up inside over and over again.
Any advise is welcomed. Thank you.
