SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm 16 months post DD and whilst I can definitely say I am healing in myself, I still feel so many conflicting feelings about my husband. I have done so much self healing - I do EMDR, attend a Buddhist sanga, go yoga, meditate, go out in nature, throw myself into my work and the pain in my heart in slowly, slowly healing. However, I can be having a lovely family day and then, boom!, my brain reminds me 'this man cuddling you in the sofa cheated on you whilst pregnant and continued for two years then hid it for a further 12!' and my mind fills with a mix of indignation, anger and disgust'.

This happens even more if I've had a bad day, or I'm stressed. Like yesterday I went to visit a friend in a mental health facility and found it so upsetting. Later that evening, I found myself pulling away from my husband's comfort and bracing myself when he cuddled me in bed.

My brain screams for me to leave in these moments as I find myself filed with disdain at being married to a person capable of this BUT at the same time...I love him, I know he is remorseful and has changed and I have so much compassion and empathy for the man I love who screwed his and his families lives up and has to live with that knowledge forever. I wish I could undo that for him even if we weren't together...I hate that he has to live with that level of regret.

I just don't know if these feelings will ever change. It's like I can get over the pain but not the moral dilemma. I don't think it helps that I have childhood trauma and may be neurodivergent. I just feel like whether I stay or leave my marriage, this moral dilemma will haunt me.

Any advice welcome, particularly from those who have experienced this.

[This message edited by Evio at 10:13 AM, Sunday, April 19th]