Hello, I am hoping for some guidance or support. I feel like I'm going insane.
For context -
I, WP, am a recovering porn addict. I am currently in IC and 2.5 years sober. I've been entitled and selfish. I have lied to and gaslighted my partner. I have been emotionally abusive. I have previously framed them as the monster that I actually was. I have destroyed their entire life and wasted so much of their time.
BP suffers greatly as a result of my betrayal - CPTSD, depression, suicidal ideaton, anxiety, nightmares, and constant triggers. Their life has become extremely exhausting for them and they feel completely alone. In addition to betrayal, they have come to discover complications to their health that have been limiting their quality of life.
It has been extremely difficult for them to see any hope towards a future. They had a therapist for a year before deciding it was a waste of time.
What complicates this more is me realizing I am transgender. This has been a long standing point of contention for BP and I.
I have not always been the best WP and have a lot of regrets and poor decisions while attempting R.
One thing I understand now is that in R, as the WP, I should be prioritizing BP's pain, feelings, and needs. Restoring trust and safety within the BP is the priority. As the WP, this means letting go of things that can be triggering or unsafe for the BP. This means being completely honest with them.
But what does this mean when the thing they want me to let go of.. who I am? They would like me to stop my transition, which is something I am unable to do.
It has gotten to the point where they keep saying to me that they will not let me transition and they will make every attempt to ruin my life if I don't stay and stop transitioning. There have been threats of violence (to me and my family), death threats, exposing me, and getting me fired from my job. They have stolen my HRT and other property. They keep saying they will commit suicide.
I have told them many times I cannot stop, but they sort of ignore that and authoritavely move on to tell me that won't happen.
I am genuinely afraid (and avoidant) so I just.. go along with it. I don't explicitly agree, but I just.. go along.
It's been like this for months. Like a rug sweep. A pretend life.
All the while, I secretly continue to medically transition. I am sure they knew, but I feel extremely guilty for more lying. They don't deserve that. They deserve the truth, even if it is difficult to accept. By lying, I've only prolonged the pain and suffering. I know that despite fear or pressure, I should have at least been honest. And if they can't accept that then.. to walk away?
Having said that, the truth has come out and the threats have come again. I would like to talk but I am afraid. I'm scared of what they will do.
I guess I just feel so guilty and shameful about it all. I know that my own pain will never compare to what I have done to them. I know they've sacrificed and lost so much of their own life and time to me and the relationship. I can see how fucking unfair it is for BP. Why can't I let go of this for them?
Thanks for reading.
