SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am having a very hard time. I just want to disappear, this pain is so so excruciating and it feels so cruel.

This morning, before going out the door for school, our oldest (6yo) asked me "Can we please please go to Aunt (AP) house for a pool party this weekend?!?"

I told her no I don't think so baby and she got pouty asking why saying we never get to see them. My heart was pounding... I told her to ask dad.

I don't know how to do this. I feel so heartbroken, I've been crying all morning and the memory that sticks out most is haunting me. I looked at them, out by the fire. I went to bed and usually he would follow, but instead he stayed out with her. I had a gut feeling, I noticed and like an idiot I just told myself don't worry, it's just Aunt and H... Nothing could happen. My body knew. I went inside and an hour later they were all over each other while I slept with our babies. If I had woken up 30 minutes earlier I would have caught them in the courtyard with WHs pants around his ankles and AP on her knees. It makes me sick, it makes me so angry, I wish I had caught them, I wish I had said something. She was so intertwined with our little family I can't escape that night.

I just have this horrible pit in my stomach. I loved WH so much, I had so much trust in what we had and he decimated it in the most soul crushing way. Not a stranger, a friend, someone our kids called aunty, the woman who threw my baby shower and watched our oldest while I almost died birthing twins. Wtf. When the hell will I wake up from this nightmare?! I hate that I was there, I hate that I remember every detail of that night and the next morning.

I can't escape it, he forever changed me, us for that? To experience her?!? WTF will I ever be able to accept this horrible choice? I have fought so hard and done all I can do protect our kids from a traumatic life like what we experienced and WH was so selfish but somehow the responsibility feels like it lands on me. I have to make choices I never should have had to make and my heart feels absolute shattered. Its so freaking unfair.

Raven25

Not sure of how far out you are from Dday but I do understand your pain as my wife had a 15 year affair with a co worker and the red flags were there but I was blinded by trust and love for my wife. I could have walked in on them a few times but I chose not to because you can't unsee those things once it happens. This all sucks anyhow as we still have our minds playing the images in our head of what we imagined they were doing. The pain of infidelity is worse than anything I have ever dealt with and it consumes your life for quite some time but believe it or not it doesn't have to last forever, it just feels like it will now. Please understand no matter what he says this had nothing to do with you and your marriage. I looked in the mirror and thought I was a bad husband, but I wasn't. This was his choice! You will need to vent and let the pain run it's course and then start shifting your energy into the wellbeing of yourself and your kids. Infidelity took me to the rock bottom of my life and disrupted everything inside of me, but I have climbed out of that hole and started moving forward again. It took a while to get here. We are just over 4 years out from Dday. The pain and hopelessness early on is overwhelming and yes there is nothing fair about the situation we have been put in. Concentrate on you and your kids and understand you will get through this. This will take time, I have been in your shoes and felt the pain and I'm wounded but I am also stronger!

Lost1313

Raven my heart breaks for you. I also have childhood trauma, and three kids two of which are twins. My husband started cheating with his friend's wife when I was pregnant with my 3rd...and she was pregnant too! 🤢
I didn't find out until 12 years later when she told me out of spite. I still struggle 15 months out and have recently started EMDR to deal with my childhood trauma.
My husband was also a porn addict and used masturbation and a stress reliever.I remember catching him watching porn when I was post partum and liking lads mag pics online..it made me so insecure I had a boob job 😥

I don't know what the answer is but I want to know you are not alone. There are lots of us here with shitty backgrounds who put all our trust, hopes and dreams into our partners only to have them cruelly destroyed.

I can also resonate with what you say about doing your best to try and protect your kids from trauma then being faced with making an unthinkable choice. I don't think I've fully made my choice yet, but I feel like if I decide to leave I will be responsible for taking away my kids beautiful home and life but deep down I know this isn't my fault and it's more important for kids to have healthy parents so I am focused on healing. I think that is all you can do too right now, focus on healing you so you become your own safe person and someone you can trust and rely on 💓