Had a productive, but relatively brutal therapy session on Monday. My wife expressed a fair amount of anger with the root of it being that she feels I took advantage of how supportive and kind she has always been. Specifically, I had a job with very long hours and gave up any outside interests once we had kids. Because of this, anytime I wanted to go out with friends my wife would always be supportive and never begrudged that.
Now that she knows some of the times I said I was going out with friends was really time with the AP, some of the late nights at work was actually time spent with the AP, etc she rightfully feels like I took advantage of her kindness and is pretty pissed.
I totally agree with her perspective and it got me thinking of all the shitty things I did to create time / space for the AP. If someone told me about their spouse doing even a fraction of the things I did during the affair I would rightfully think the person was just a huge asshole. I would like to think and my wife would agree I have not been that person for a long time, but when I think back on that time I have a hard time knowing that person is me, that I could be capable of treating my wife so disrespectfully, that I sacrificed any time with my kids to be with the AP, etc.
I am getting better at looking at that version of me without feeling like it defines who I am now, but wow the therapy session hit me like a ton of bricks. Seeing the raw pain and anger and knowing 1) it is 100% justified and logical, and 2) I caused it was really a sobering reminder of how lost I was during that time. I was abusing substances, drinking a lot, etc and I think that was a coping mechanism to try and numb myself so I did not feel the weight of what I was doing. The level of compartmentalization and my ability to create narratives to justify my behavior really astounds me in retrospect.
Wondering how others have coped with the realization that the infidelity goes well beyond the physical and emotional aspects and will invariable require the wayward to be a truly terrible and dishonest person. I feel like that part of me is dormant (hopefully extinct), but is still a part of me and it feels very yucky.
