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Tomorrow will be the first time my WH will be going out of town. Will he be honest for the first time and faithful or will he lie and cheat again? What scares me is that I may never know the truth. How can I know? He lied and manipulated me so much. To the point that I am still upset with myself for not figuring it all out sooner (I'm having trouble letting that go).

I am having trouble coping with his upcoming trip. I am tired of being the betrayed and hurt. How can I have a peaceful four days? I will exercise, drink a lot of water, and focus on my kid. And try to breathe.

I don't like living like this. I was a happy and trusting person. And now I'm trying to find the lies. I am trying to accept that I won't know what he does, but it's a tough pill to swallow.

Any suggestions? Thank you - you all have been incredibly helpful!!!

Hi, Shocked, I really feel for you.

I don't have an answer bc after my D-Day my WH did not travel for the longest time unless I went with him. He actually lied to his boss and told him there were issues at home that prevented him from traveling a great deal (he was usually gone every other week).

Has your WH given you access to everything, phone, social media, emails, etc? Can he facetime you several times a day?

If he is meeting with colleagues or anyone for that matter of the opposite sex, can he assure you he will never be one-on-one with a member of the opposite sex?

My WH actually found another job about 6 months after D-Day, when he did travel, he completely stopped socializing on the job for the longest time, no drinks, no dinners, ordered room service.

As a matter of fact, my D-Day was two decades ago, and WH STILL does not socialize with any female co-workers. He is polite but doesn't participate in any non job-related banter. Always keeps it completely on a professional level.

Perhaps you and your WH can have a discussion about the boundaries you feel comfortable with. His actions will speak volumes.

I am still upset with myself for not figuring it all out sooner (I'm having trouble letting that go).

It is certainly difficult to let that go. Take comfort in the fact that the majority of BS experience the same shit. We couldn't possibly imagine that our spouses would cheat. We missed the red flags. We didn't trust our guts. We talked ourselves out of our suspicions. We deceived ourselves. And because of all that, we berate ourselves.

It's so incredibly common that I've come to believe it's perfectly natural. We don't understand the wayward mindset for the simple reason that we don't possess a wayward mindset. It's not within our realm of experience and therefore beyond our ability to accept its possibility.

Don't beat yourself up for being human.

As for the trip and how to cope...

You can make a choice. There is absolutely no way you can know for certain whether he's going to cheat again. You can choose to embrace those fears or you can choose to remember that we have nothing to fear but fear itself.

You can choose to use this time alone to relax, decompress, and just chill. You can use this time to focus on you, your recovery and healing.

Frankly, it’s really hard for a while after DDAY because there is no TRUST.

And since your WS broke the trust, he needs to fix it and take initiative to make this as easy on you as he can.

Must he travel? Is it possible for him to not travel for a while? He may have to let his manager know he has some personal stuff going on, but is it possible?

If he must, then HOW is he going to help you while he is gone? FREQUENT check-ins. Be where he says he will be when he says he will be there. Tracking turned on. Skipping the after dinner drinks or hang outs if that triggers you. Willing to FaceTime if/when you need it.

You need to tell him what YOU need to feel comfortable and he needs to commit to it and understand that you may be anxious while he is away.

And what you need to do for you is set yourself up for success. Have a plan if you get overwhelmed - hot bath, go to the gym, whatever. If you can schedule things to keep busy that may help keep you from spiraling.

It;’s hard - not going to lie to you. But you can get through it. Tell him what you need and then see if he ACTIONS match his words. It will tell you a lot.
Sending support -