SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Please excuse, this is my first actual post. I just found out my husband of 23 years (married for just over 10) has been having an affair with a coworker. He is unaware that I know about the affair (sort of). I don't know the exact time of the start of the affair, but it's probably been in the works for about 6 months and they, as far as I can tell, only started having sex in the last couple months.

According to texts I have found, they are madly in love and can't wait to get married. This is the third affair on his affair partners side, she apparently cheated on her first husband with another work colleague and again with the second. She divorced her first husband and got engaged (unsure if they got married) to the second affair partner. She claims, to my husband, that her fiancé is abusive and somewhere along the way starts having an affair with my husband. She left her fiancé somewhere in all this and claims he is still abusing her, financially, mentally, etc. She also has children, which is another way she claims her ex is using to abuse her. My husband was very adamant about not having kids, so much so I got a hysterectomy. This woman whom I have never met also tells my husband that I am not happy in our marriage, I'm just content and he only feels compelled to take care of me. I just use him for his money.

My husband has always asked me to not work, he makes very good money and he claimed it was unnecessary. I haven't worked in over 14 years. He actively discouraged me from making friends, traveling on my own, and finding even something like part time employment. I don't have anything in my name alone. He always assured me that we will have a great future together and that I just need to wait, wait one more year, just until he gets the next and the next promotion.

I am working with a lawyer right now, also unknown to my husband. I'm so scared, I don't know what's going to happen. My husband has gotten very far because he is very good at manipulating the situation to benefit him. I also don't know what I'm going to do. I haven't worked in so long and the last jobs I had were retail/customer service. I did get a bs degree in the early years of our relationship, but after I graduated he convinced me it was better to not worry about getting a job. I could just stay home and take care of everything there, he would take care of me. He did take care of everything financially. I don't know or can't access all of the financial information. I have access to cards and banking, but I don't have access to any other information, especially his cards. I only know through text messages that he is buying things to furnish the home for his affair partner.

What really just destroys me is how I mean so little to this man, that I am basically a non person anymore. I have basically become nothing. I don't even recognize the person my husband is in these texts. He talks about things that he actively despised or made fun of, while also saying he is excited to be father figure to this woman's children. How much he loves this person and has never felt this way before.

I'm trying really hard not to fall into a pit of despair, but the person I would normally turn to for comfort has decided I'm not worth it anymore. I'm older early 40s and I have no idea what I'm doing, how am I going to get through this. I just wanted to be with my husband, that was what made me happy, our dreams together for our future.

His business success is your success as well. Your attorney will be able to get you alimony since you are not working. Some states have lifetime alimony.

If he does end up marrying her I'm predicting the marriage will be short lived. She will get bored with him, same as her previous partners.

The betrayal is heart breaking. What you believed to be safe and secure and real evaporates in seconds :/

I'm so sorry, my dear, I really am. I wish I could hug you. Don't feel alone, your story is NOT uncommon. Your husband is an awful person. He just is. What he did with you, you can see it in hindsight now, is to isolate and control you so that you'd have no other resources but to rely on him. That is how messed up and insecure and controlling HE is. Someone who loves you wants the best for you, for you to grow and do things on your own, to make a satisfying life in your own way, as well as in the relationship. He treats you as a belonging. No one is a belonging. This woman is a user and is also no good, IMO. She jumps from man to man with some bullshit story and makes them feel sorry for her and probably takes them for whatever she can. She looks at your husband and sees dollar signs in her eyes. So she tells him her sad tale of woe and he wants to White Knight her, this is what it's often called. White Knighting when a guy wants to rush in and save some dilly from the troubles of the world and it makes him feel big and powerful. He can't feel that way with you because...you're not a fake user. The fantasy isn't there. He's living in fantasy with this woman, with the fantasy she's concocted and he likes that. He likes that he's rescuing her little munchkins from whatever. Got to feel sorry for the kids, mother sounds awful.

As devastated as I know you feel....this guy is no big loss. He just isn't. It's like he kept you in beautiful, comfy prison for years and while it may feel secure....it's still a type of prison. HE LIKES HAVING YOU IN PRISON. And at some point....he'll do this with this dilly too. But that's their problem, they sound very suited to each other to me. YOU...on the other hand, can do something much better. You've got maybe 40 years or so to go, that's a long time. You can build a real life for yourself, with joy and accomplishment and fun and independence and maybe a real relationship with someone who respects and truly nurtures you....and isn't just a jail keeper.

So as much as this hurts, and I know it's devastating and unexpected, try to turn this around and see it as an OPPORTUNITY....because that's what it ultimately will be. You don't know how many women have been in your situation -and with kids which is even harder - but yet have turned their lives around in ways that are satisfying to them. This can be YOU too. Don't think this is all there is, life is far more than this and often very unexpected.

As it sounds like he doesn't know that you know, I wouldn't tell him anything at this point. Keep your cards to yourself. There's no winning him back here and that is actually......degrading. Don't degrade yourself, your jailer is NOT worth it. Any guy who would fall for this lame story from this dilly....is a big dummy and he's not worth chasing after. SAVE AS MUCH MONEY AS YOU CAN RIGHT NOW, STICK IT AWAY, HOPEFULLY YOU HAVE YOUR OWN BANK ACCOUNT - OPEN ONE IF YOU DON'T. Work with your lawyer to make up the best plan for yourself - you should have some stake in the marital assets and maybe alimony. Maybe you can work out some support at least until you can get on your feet. Maybe he can be SHAMED into that. Some other suggestions I might have would be if you have no friends or social outlet now, maybe you could join a church group or a women's group, something to have some social support. You don't see yourself accurately anymore, you're used to seeing yourself through his jailer's eyes, and you need to build confidence, social confidence and maybe job confidence. Depending on what your lawyer says, maybe you can get a small job now. I would also talk to some local colleges because you might be able to brush up on your prior degree and add to it or update your skills.

Other people will be along here with excellent advice and concern. You'll see that, it's a great site, with good people. People who've been through things like you. Don't mourn too much over this guy, he's not a great guy, he's actually been abusing you psychologically and keeping you like a doll - to your detriment. HE IS NO GREAT LOSS. That is my honest opinion. You need to get back on your feet and you can do better than him. These two deserve each other.

Right now though....I'd keep my mouth firmsly closed and listen to your lawyer. As for sex, I'd just develop a permanent case of the TIREDS....hopefully he won't bother you anyway, and get an STD test too just be to sure. But you're gonna be planning for a MUCH BETTER FUTURE THAT YOU WILL CONTROL YOURSELF. It takes time and effort, but it WILL BE BETTER and it will be YOURS. Good luck!

It also occurs to me to say.....don't try to get this guy back. I'm not a believer in recon in general anyway...I think when people have affairs, especially this kind when he's so "in love" with this loser he's just looking to make a change anyway and if it wasn't her, it would be another one. It's just something that comes up with some people...it might be that you were maturing....not in age specifically but in a way that maybe he feels you don't need saving as much. You could break out of jail, he can't have that. So I think this guy was gonna be gone anyway and it's not really about you. It's a psych issue with HIM that you can't resolve. You can't compete with his White Knight fantasy and you shouldn't try. Look where he left you - isolated and without resources - that was DELIBERATE. And if you were able to get back with him....he'd do it again. You can't trust this man, don't invest in this, invest in yourself. This is an opportunity for you to develop the next half of your life in a meaningful way.

Just giving you the warning in case you try to play the "pick me" game....you're not a daisy or a puppy.....you're a human and we should not play "pick me" games. That just gives him all the power. Learn to empower yourself.