SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am sorry to write this, but I have no one in my life to talk to. No one knows what is going on in case we reconcile.

I am in the middle of a pity party. Sometimes I'm doing great and realizing I will be ok no matter what. But now I am low. I am a fantastic wife. I did everything for him. I seriously changed everything to do what he wanted. I moved throughout the country multiple times which disrupted my friendships. I built my whole life around him that it's going to be really hard to start over. He was my best friend and the person I turned to. I still can't believe he did this to me. I feel like such a fool for putting everything into him and this is how he treated me and our marriage.

I have been reading many posts. I see men who have such honesty, integrity, and love for their spouses. I thought that this is how my husband felt. I also would've betted my life that he wasn't cheating and would have died. I know that life isn't fair and that there is no justice. I just thought I was having a happy life and found out that my life is really bad. That I sacrificed (I thought it was "we" that was sacrificing) for a better ending to life and now that the kids are almost grown and independent I will not have the happy ending of enjoying life with my husband. We planned on traveling and hanging out together. Now I will be alone and financially devastated. I don't deserve this.

Unbelievably, he is the victim of abandonment and other serious abuses. I am the only steady person in his life and he does this. How can he do this to the only person who stands by him? Why is he not very interested in the kids? Is the escape so important that he has to blow up the last good piece of his life?

I'm sorry for being such a downer this post. Maybe I'll be more inspired later when I breathe a bit more and remember that I did everything out of love even if it wasn't appreciated or reciprocated.

ShockedShattered

I feel like such a fool for putting everything into him and this is how he treated me and our marriage.

You are not a fool. you were a wife who loved trusted and built a life in good faith and that is not foolish - that is what marriage is supposed to be. I understand the grief of looking at the life you thought you were building and realising the future you pictured may not be there in the same way as it is not only the betrayal itself it is the loss of the shared dreams/the travelling/the growing older together/the sense that after all the sacrifices there would be a peaceful chapter.

Maybe I'll be more inspired later when I breathe a bit more and remember that I did everything out of love even if it wasn't appreciated or reciprocated.

That matters as you did what you did out of love and his choices do not make your love worthless and they do not make your sacrifices foolish and you do not have to be inspiring today as some days surviving the hour is enough.

I'm so terribly sorry for you. You don't need to feel bad about the sacrifices that you made. It was done out of the goodness of your heart and no one can take that away from you.

I think one of the hardest parts of betrayal is the isolation that we feel once something like this happens. It's very hard to understand how you could give so much, and someone you love could do something so selfish. Especially, if you have no one to talk to about what's going on. In my case, my wife was my best friend. I didn't hide anything or keep secrets from her. There was this pain in me that wanted to tell her about the how this person hurt me so bad, but I couldn't because that person was her. I absolutely respect that you don't want people to know incase you reconcile. For me, I recognized early on that I had to tell people or else I was going to drown in the isolation.

My wife also experienced abandonment and dysfunction throughout her life. You'd think that would stop them from hurting the people who are really there for them, but unfortunately these are often the "broken" people who commit these horrible acts.

You're not a fool and you have the right to grieve the life that you thought you had. Just remember, this wasn't your fault. Take all the time you need and remember to take care of yourself.

Seconding this, it is not your fault that this happened. You're not a fool for putting your whole soul, spirit and life into your marriage and partnership.

You are a person of worth, and you can and will breathe again. Take it a step at a time. No one wants to be in your position, I certainly didn't want to discover that my wife cheated on me, but broken people will do things and make decisions that provide them temporary happiness, even if it eventually costs them the other, positive and beneficial relationships they have.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you, but you found this site/forum and we're all here to talk if you want or need to.

There’s an interesting book by Malcolm Gladwell called Talking to Strangers. It’s good as an audiobook, if you like that format.

It’s about how we implicitly trust other people. We get on planes and sit docilely next to complete strangers, more or less entirely unafraid of them. We trust the cabin crew to take care of us, and the pilots to get us back on the ground safely. Human beings require cooperation with each other to survive. That cooperation requires trust. Social scientists have studied this, and coined it the "Truth-Default Theory". We basically start off trusting people and believing that they’re telling the truth. If I understand it correctly, our brains are even wired for truth telling - like, more synapses or whatever have to fire to lie to someone. Takes more mental energy. We evolved millions of years to be trusting and truthful.

All you were was a fully-realized human being. You were no fool; your WH was just a con-man (not to say he can’t change and all that). Like all the rest of us, you had no chance, you got completely blindsided. No shame on you.

Don’t apologize for being sad!! How could you not be??

Sending you a virtual hug.