SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been 9 months since DD. From my perspective, things are better-ish from the initial shock of it all. I’m hardly ever spiraling. I still think of my actions in the quiet moments and think of what the future may hold - a mixture of positive and negative emotions. I know regardless everything will be okay in the sense that no matter the outcome - happiness and good health are possible. I know things will be different but I am not bound to live in purgatory forever.

I’m still in therapy. Probably will be for a long time. Had to find a new therapist though, one with more experience and guidance. My BS is also in therapy. I’ve been sober since DD too. Thank goodness for NA beers. The ritual of drinking a beer is completed without the alcohol. It’s such a stress reliever. I have not used porn for almost as much time. I didn’t have a problem at least not like I always imagined people having but I did use it more times than not to help with self pleasure and I believe that was the beginning of my downfall. I haven’t contacted AP either but it was an ONS so that wasn’t going to happen. I’m doing my best to be supportive and put in the work. But that’s not enough.

From my BS’s perspective, they are at a different point in their journey of recovery (as they will always be, being the victim). My perspective and theirs are rarely the same at this point - something thing I need to remind myself of daily. They are still constantly thinking about it. Unsure if they can ever move past the constant thoughts. Unsure if the spark will ever come back for us. They told me the saddest thing about this is that they cannot get giddy about me anymore. The pedestal has been removed. They struggle with whether they will ever see me as special again. That’s hard.

They too are putting in work. Therapy, communicating, giving us the time and space to figure this all out. They are determined. They said it’s a battle between head and heart. They forgive in their head but their heart is not there yet. Hate is a word that has been used sometimes, as in they hate me by the end of the day when they had time to fester. But in the same breath, they say they know I am not a bad person. It’s a weird place to be emotionally.

It’s early and patience is required. It’s a long road ahead. There are still a lot of emotions to feel, thoughts to be had, and work to be done. But I’m still here and still trying and I do have my health. My happiness will one day follow. It may not appear to be a positive update - but it is - we’re trying, every day, we’re trying and that’s a lot to be thankful for.