SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So 15 weeks ago I was bombarded with messages on social media by a colleague that used to work with my partner.

Letting me know some of the things she had been Upto.

For 15 weeks she categorically denied it all, turning it around on me and repeatedly telling me I was just looking for a way out and it was people making stuff up.

Everyday I just asked for the truth. I had a gut feeling and I knew it was true.

She wouldn’t give me answers and every time I asked it turned into an argument.

I gave her every opportunity to come clean and hold on to any respect for me she had left and her own dignity.

She even told me she would take a lie detector test. She has lied about everything.

By downloading historic data and messages on her phone I have now found out the truth.

She has been having an affair and having sex with the neighbour sneaking out when I was asleep to have sex in the back of his work van then coming home to myself and the kids like there was nothing wrong.

2 doors down.

What makes this worse is that this happened when I was recovering from major surgery. I have had 3 surgeries in the last so many years and have been told twice they may need to amputate my leg.

I have had a lot of trauma following on from and accident and for the last 10 years or so but in particular the last 3 have suffered with my mental health. I was diagnosed with PTSD.

She was helping me and looking after me, then doing this in her space time.

The relationship and social media had been maintained and he was saved under a girls name from work in her phone book.

Even when caught out she had nowhere to go but continued to give me the trickle truth.

I have had a little bit of a mental break down.

I’ve shaved my head, I’ve smashed up his house and cars and acted in a way that I don’t condone but I was unbelievably angry.

I am absolutely heartbroken.

I’ve cried myself to sleep over and over again.

I want to try and forgive her. I want to try and move on. I want my family to remain together but I don’t know what to do.

I have allowed her to come back home and we have spoken.

But I fear that she may be saying all the right things but does she mean them.

Is she genuinely sorry or is she just sorry she got caught.

She had no intention of me finding out and she had zero intention of ever coming clean. It’s only due to my detective work I uncovered the truth.

Any advice is welcomed.

[This message edited by Anonymous19 at 7:11 PM, Thursday, June 25th]

This is a rough one for me because there are a couple similarities with my story, but when my detecive work produced fruit and I confronted my wife she at least admitted she was having an affair, and tho I really wanted to, I didn't smash her AP's (affair partner's) house and vehicles. Part of me understands why you went off like that, believe me, I do, but that wasn't the best way to go about it. That same part of me that understands hopes you didn't get into much legal trouble over it, but I wouldn't be surprised if you did.

I'm not one of the veteran advice givers here, but I can certainly feel your pain coming through in your words and I didn't want to leave you hanging. What I can say is, 15 weeks is still pretty early out, and since you only recently discovered the truth I'd say your actual d day is very recent. You're going to need time to get your feet back under you. Betrayal trauma is real trauma, and that alone can cause PTSD symptoms, let alone the fact that you were already suffering from it.

I think it's too early to definitively say if reconciliation is in the cards for you, but I understand the desire to. The thing is, your wife is off to a pretty terrible start by stringing you along for 15 weeks then trickle truthing you after discovery. First and foremost, if there's any chance for reconciliation you're going to have to start rebuilding from the truth. The whole truth. Not some sanitized, minimized version where half of the facts are withheld or omitted. You might want to take her up on that offer for a polygraph test.

Your marriage as it was is over. It will never go back to the way it was. That doesn't mean something new can't be rebuilt, but you're going to have to figure out whether or not this is a dealbreaker and your wife is going to have to really roll her sleeves up and prove she's worth the effort. That means a lot of conversations and answering all of your questions, even if you ask the same ones a hundred times. She's going to have to be completely transparent and honest with you about everything. No more secrets, access to her devices and location at all times, and a heaping helping of humility and empathy. I'd hate to say this, but I don't know how it will work if you continue being neighbors with the guy either.

Those are just a few things to know and consider. Hopefully some of the veterans here will be along soon with better insight and advice than I have. I'm still kind of new to this myself and don't usually poke my head into the more complicated situations like this, but like I said I didn't want to leave you hanging man.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here, and for the way it all went down for you. This is a really good group of folks who understand what you're going through. We get it. We really do. Hang in there. No one deserves this. No one. There is never a justification for infidelity. No matter what.

[This message edited by Pogre at 9:02 PM, Thursday, June 25th]