Greetings and thank you to anyone that is taking the time to read this post. I'm new to the forums and my betrayal didn't happen recently, but I feel like I need some outside perspective in my situation and a space to organize my thoughts. I will detail the context for what I think is needed to give proper advice, which covers more than just my current relationship.
This is a long write-up that covers the context around my infidelity, so I can better make sense of it; I left a TL;DR at the end if anyone would like a summary.
I am a 35-year-old man, and I have been in a relationship with my fiancé - Brenda - for 5 years total, since May of 2021. I cheated on Brenda in August of 2022; we attempted reconciliation for 4 months, broke up for 4 months, and have been back together since April of 2023. We have a 1-year-old daughter together.
I met Brenda years before we began dating, in 2014, through mutual friends who were a couple - Sam and Lily. At that time, I was dating my first girlfriend, high school sweetheart, and eventual first wife - Kay. Kay and I were great friends with Sam and Lily; we spent a lot of our time with them, but they had another friend group that we were outside of. Brenda joined that group and was dating someone in it at that time, so I didn't know her well. We talked in passing but had never actually had a 1 on 1 conversation, I was completely loyal to Kay during our relationship.
Fast forward to 2016 and after 10 years of dating Kay and I got married. I loved her very much and had always wanted to start a family with her, but I waited so long because I didn't want to make a mistake and marry too early - I thought I should be at least 25. In retrospect, it wouldn't have mattered. Kay had a condition that gave her a limp while she walked; it continued to get worse as we got older. No doctor would diagnose her until we found a specialist after we married. We found out it was Parkinson's disease and her condition rapidly deteriorated.
After a couple of months, she could no longer work, and her mental health took a nosedive. She began abusing marijuana for the pain she felt and retreated into a mobile game, Clash of Clans, while I picked up another job to support us. She began stealing from me to pay for things in the game and eventually cheated on me with someone that she had met on it that lived in the next state. We separated after 6 months of marriage, and she moved in with her affair partner. This broke me at the time; I put a gun in my mouth, but I didn't pull the trigger. I spent the next year trying to reconcile with her in naivety, driving 3 hours 1-way to visit, but we eventually finalized our divorce in 2018.
During the 6 months that Kay and I were married and living together Sam and Lily also began having problems. Brenda and the guy she was dating moved in with them, and Sam and Brenda ended up sleeping with each other behind Lily's back. I don't know how long it went on, but it eventually ended. Brenda tells me she was no longer dating the other guy at that time and thought Sam and Lily had broken up too. Sam told me when it initially happened, but Lily never found out, and none of us ever told her.
In 2018 Sam was fired from his job on a sexual harassment claim, so Sam and Lily moved to a different state 6 hours away to be with his family. I stayed in contact with them and visited often, still counting them as some of my greatest friends. Brenda lost contact because there was tension between her and Lily, although Lily didn't know Sam cheated. Sam and Lily had a daughter and lived well together for the next couple of years while I stayed mostly single, working on my fitness and career. I bought a house and had a couple of short relationships after my divorce, but I hadn't done any internal work to heal my avoidant attachment style.
In 2020, COVID happened and my firm shut down, just like everywhere else. I was out on unemployment until the end of the year, and my firm did not re-open when other places in the world were. At that time, I tried a couple jobs outside my field that I didn't like and ultimately decided to sell my house and move to work in my career. I got a job closer to Sam and Lily, only 2 and a half hours away, so I could visit them more often and be a part of my god-daughter's life. A couple weeks before I moved, Sam and Lily came back to visit some family and I had a going away party at my house with them, to which they invited Brenda. They had reconnected with her during the visit and I thought the more the merrier.
Brenda and I hit it off during the party and then saw each other for the last couple of weeks before I left. I thought it would just be a temporary thing, since I was moving so far away, but Brenda insisted we should date and she'd come to see me. I decided to give it a chance and let it die naturally, but Brenda did keep her word. She would come to see me for a few weeks every couple of months; we'd spend time as a couple not only with each other, but also Sam and Lily.
After 8 months Brenda wanted to move closer to me, she decided her family relied on her too much and she wanted to be free of the responsibility, live her own life. I was on board with her moving to me and possibly starting a family, but Brenda had a stipulation that I didn't agree with; she wanted us both to eventually move near Sam and Lily and then make our way back to our hometown when we had children. She stated that I should meet her halfway on that, but I stressed to her that not only was I progressing in my career where I was (I had gotten a promotion a couple months after moving), I also moved away from our hometown because there was nothing but bad memories there for me.
I think we both had terrible communication and understanding of each other at that time and assumed the other would change, so Brenda decided to move into the same apartment complex that Sam and Lily stayed in, one floor below them. I believe Brenda assumed I would eventually move anyway and didn't want to risk being isolated if we didn't work out, and I assumed that telling her I wouldn't take a step backwards in my career to rent an apartment would make my intentions clear. This created a distrust within me due to my own prior experiences with being too naive; I kept my insecurities to myself and continued to see how things would play out.
During that time we continued to see each other, but now had to drive 2 and a half hours 1-way in order to do it. Our schedules didn't align well and sometimes we wouldn't see each other for 2 weeks or more, and I started to feel more isolated. I still hadn't made many friends in my new city and had spent most of my time focusing on work and Brenda, but Brenda had Sam and Lily next door to visit with often. Sam would visit me every few months, and we'd talk about how he was feeling frustrated with Lily; he'd show me pictures of the girls he thought were attractive at his job and how cool they were. Once, he visited and invited some girls we met out back to my place; they did not come.
I wouldn't betray his trust, but he was showing me signs that cheating could occur again. Oftentimes Brenda and I wouldn't talk for days because she was busy, and I wondered why she would move closer just to still be so far if I was the one she wanted to be with. Brenda didn't know that I knew Sam cheated with her, or that Lily knew nothing about it, and she hadn't attempted to tell me about it either. Once I started questioning her about their relationship, she finally told me. This had the opposite effect she probably thought it did, because I had been given trickle truth by my ex-wife and knew where it could lead. This triggered my avoidancy and I began to push her away.
At that time, I began making decisions in preparation for a betrayal from her. A year into working at my firm I had received my second promotion, and I got a substantial pay increase. Instead of leaving my position and moving to rent, I decided to invest in my future and I bought a house. This created even more tension between Brenda and me, since she didn't understand my reasoning or motivations. We never really talked through our insecurities with each other or our individual problems, we just continued to pretend they didn't exist. This came to a head when the man who raised me died, and I spiraled.
I felt disconnected from Brenda, so instead of relying on her I opened up to a colleague that I was close to; we ended up sleeping together. At the time I was prepared to be done with my relationship with Brenda and convinced myself she didn't care about me anyway, but that wasn't true, I just pushed her away because I was wasn't ready to receive her feelings. I would rather be safe than take a risk on getting close to someone again.
Brenda was coming for a surprise visit to cheer me up and help me get through it, but she found my colleague and I in bed together. I'll never forget how she looked or how I felt in that moment. When I was cheated on, the thing that hurt me the most was that my wife had given up on me and left, but it was different for Brenda; the betrayal itself tore her apart. I realized immediately the damage I had caused her and how I couldn't take it back.
During the next month Brenda took some time to decide what she wanted to do, she accompanied me on my trip back to our hometown for my father figure's funeral and I answered all her questions about how I felt and why I cheated. We spoke more openly during that time than we had at any other time in our relationship, and I examined a lot of things about myself and our communication. After 4 months of attempting reconciliation by examining my attachment style, communication, and insecurities and how they all led to my betrayal, Brenda decided she didn't want to try to fix it, so we broke up; I accepted her decision because I understood how I hurt her. I decided to continue individual therapy so I wouldn't repeat my mistake.
4 months later was Sam's birthday, and Brenda invited me to come to his birthday party. During those 4 months I took a long look at how I grew up and my past relationships, I didn't want to continue the cycle of hurting I was caught in. I had cut off all contact with Sam and Lily because I didn't want to be an intrusion, I was the one that betrayed Brenda so I should suffer the consequences. Brenda said she knew Sam would want me there, so she was reaching out. I came to the party, and things were still awkward between Brenda and I, but at the end of the night she said she still wanted to be friends. We began hanging out as friends again and after a few months Brenda broached the topic of dating with stipulations.
I was fine with the stipulations because I still loved Brenda and I wanted to try and make things work; I felt like I owed it to her after coming to understand why I cheated on her. I know that's not the healthiest way to look at rebuilding a relationship and that may be why I am where I am now, but I also believe that relationships are the work that you put into them. She wanted me to put in all the work to see her and would no longer come to my house, allow her complete access to my phone and accounts, be transparent with her about where I was going and who I was with, the usual. This extended to my platonic relationships with women she found threatening, I could no longer be friends with them, and anything else that triggered the pain I caused her.
I acquiesced because I deeply regretted the choice I made and wanted to rebuild something strong with the more transparent communication we had. I believed her when she said it would help her get over her insecurities and strengthen our relationship, however this is the root of my issues today and why I would like perspective. It has been 1 month shy of 4 years since our initial D-Day and it's hard for me to say if her insecurities have gotten better or worse over time. During the first year of reconciliation and rebuild, I understood. She was still feeling fresh hurt over what I did to her, and there wasn't enough of a foundation for her to put trust into. Over the years, though, I've begun to build resentment over false accusations that never take into account how I've demonstrated my growth.
Between years 2 and 3 since D-Day I would try to explain to her how her false accusations made me feel, especially after our situation had completely changed. When I betrayed her, we were a long-distance couple that had very little open, honest communication. I didn't share with her when I was feeling dismissed or isolated, I would just let my mind run rampant and assume what she thought, taking away her agency to truly participate in our relationship. We would only see each other for short bursts at a time, so it was much easier to gloss over small differences - I don't even define that as a true relationship anymore. She acknowledged my feelings at the time and attempted to do individual therapy; she stopped going after 2 sessions.
But now we had decided to truly choose each other, after breaking up and coming back together. I was open about how I felt, honest about working through problems, and changed a lot to prove that I could be a good partner for her. 8 months from when we got back together, she moved in with me, saying I had shown her I could be trusted. She decided to do part-time work because I could take care of all the bills, and I was happy to so she could see I'd take care of her. We got engaged later that year and became pregnant soon after that. She stopped working completely and hasn't since, we agreed she would focus on our child instead.
We went through an entire pregnancy together, moved to a different state, and are now looking to move back to our hometown. We haven't gotten married because she wants to share that with her family, where we are moving now. Throughout the last 4 years I haven't had any issues with infidelity, and we've kept all of the same stipulations. She has complete access to my phone and personal accounts, I keep her updated of who I'm with and where I am, I don't fraternize with any women in a social way unless she's around. I feel like I should have gained a good foundation of trust. We've been in a relationship 3 times longer now than before I betrayed her, however she still treats me in the same way.
There are countless times when I could be 20 minutes late from somewhere, and she'll start asking me probing questions, as if to stop a lie in where I was or what I was doing. Whether that be me taking extra time at the gym, staying late at work, or getting caught up somewhere for random things. I've had to show her work calendar invitations to mandatory meetings, have other people confirm for her we were together, or show her Google Maps history. If I even mention other women she gets defensive and insecure.
Recently, we were lying in bed the morning after I went to a co-worker's birthday pool party. I only stayed for a couple hours so I could get home to be with her and my daughter, I told her exactly who was there, brought her take-home food, etc. I mentioned to her that I thought it was odd some women will wear bikinis to a pool party but refuse to get in the pool, because only the men did, to play pool volleyball. Her response was to question why I was thinking about other women in bikinis while lying in bed with her, and that it made her feel gross that I would say something like that.
Another example is that I recently grew out my beard, and we had just been intimate with each other after I had a rough night at work. I was feeling much better and more connected to her afterwards, because it had been a while due to life conflicts. She told me right afterwards that my beard smelled weird and asked if I was cheating on her with someone at my job. That I must be giving someone head to someone on my breaks, even though I work in a very controlled and monitored environment where that would be quite difficult. It ruined my mood and the happiness I felt to have been with her in that moment. She later apologized and said it was the smell of a towel I had dried my face with that she had previously used.
At first, I thought I could handle the insecurities that I caused her by being consistent for a long period of time, but after continually being falsely accused it just feels like I'm being beaten over the head. Will nothing I do, say, demonstrate, or show ever be enough to warrant trust and respect? If so, I can understand - I did cause that hurt, but I don't know if I can continue to be her partner. The resentment that has built from our issues has bled over into other parts of our relationship, sometimes it feels like she questions everything and can't rely on me to handle issues, even though I've been taking care of her and our family for the better part of 4 years.
It came to a boiling point the other day and I had a real conversation with her about how I've been feeling - I explained to her that her constant accusations and suspicion in spite of what I've shown her over the years has chipped away at our trust and communication. I detailed how it made me feel like everything I try to do to prove myself feels like it's worthless in her eyes, and I just want her to give me some grace when her insecurities flare. That she doesn't need to voice every negative thought that comes into her head.
Instead of acknowledging and addressing my concerns, her response was to break down in tears and ask how she's supposed to want to be with me when I feel that way. That it felt like I was just going to leave her and I make her feel like a bad partner. I later apologized for making her feel that way and we just moved on, never really coming to a conclusion. I've voiced my concerns multiple times before and it seems to follow the same cycle, saying she has gotten better and it takes time.
My question is am I wrong for having these feelings? Is this just how life should be when you've made a choice like cheating? I could understand that I needed to prove myself for a while but is my life with her going to be never-ending accusations, suspicion, and mistrust? Has anyone else ever gone through something like this and come out of the other end of it in a better place? Do I not have the right to feel respected and trusted by the person that I love the most, should I just continue to feel how I'm feeling and suck it up? I won't leave my daughter, but I'm feeling more resentful by the day - it makes me not want to try anymore for Brenda at all. How do I reconcile my feelings?
TL;DR - 35M, I cheated on my long-distance girlfriend 1 year into our relationship. We broke up and I continued to do reflecting and self-work, we got back together months later at her request. We have now been in that new relationship for more than 3 years; we moved in together, got engaged, and had a daughter that is now 1 years old. I have not had any issue with infidelity since D-Day, but I face constant false accusations 4 years later that make me question why I put in the effort to prove myself and if this will be how she treats me for the rest of our lives. Looking for an outside perspective.
Thank you to anyone that took the time to read, and many thanks to those that comment. I'm looking for truthful advice, not sugar coating. If you feel I'm wrong and should do better, I would like to hear it.
