Marriage reconciliation score as of 2 days ago: 8/10
Marriage reconciliation score as of today: 2/10
I actually don't think I know who I married.
We've been married for 26 years, happily for the most part. Definitely best friends and good partners. Marriage was pretty easy for us.
8 months ago I found out. Then 5 months of trickle truths, gaslighting and DARVO.
Just friends > we did have a connection > I never had chemistry with you > yes we did sext and send photos but no touch > I actually fell in love with him but it was never physical > finding emails and notes that proved they had had sex dozens of times over an 18 month period > finding out she was still ruminating on old snapchats until 2 months ago.
They are no contact, I have access to her phone and location, and her behavior shows me she's actually recommitting.
Despite all the trickle truths and lies, we've been working on our communication, going to bible studies and small groups, we both have individual counselors, and we've been intentional towards each other. This has definitely helped, especially with being able to work my way out from spiraling, and Lord knows I needed that.
Here's why things went off a cliff for me and I'd love to get some feedback because my head is still spinning.
We had marriage counseling today (it's been a couple of months due to schedules) so last night we had a brief conversation about what we were going to talk about.
I asked my wife if all the things she complained about our marriage prior to the affair still felt true to her now that we're 8 months out.
Whenever I'd discover something about the affair, I'd get some version of 'we had no chemistry, we never had deep conversations, we were just roommates, we never kissed, we weren't connected...' This bothered me a lot initially then I realized that while some of it was certainly true, not all of it was. I took the parts I knew to be true and owned up to them, and started working on them. Work on yourself, so to speak.
So when she told me that they were all still true, I asked her specifically what she meant by no chemistry. She told me 'Imagine a lady at your job or somewhere that you think is pretty, smart, funny and fun to hang around but you have no desire to sleep with them'. That's how I felt about you. I've always felt that way about you, before we got married. You checked every other box so you were perfect except for that one thing and I just accepted that I might not ever have that feeling.
I believed for more than 25 years that my wife loved me and actually desired me. If I had known that she didn't desire me I would have never married her. Why would I marry someone that doesn't love me the way I love them?
She says that she does love me and she knows what she said hurts me but she didn't want to lie to me anymore. She wants to build chemistry with me and we should keep working towards that. HOW is that chemistry just going to be built if you didn't have it ever with me in 26 years? And if it doesn't happen, are you just going to be a sacrificial spouse and 'let' me have sex with you despite zero desire? Why would I ever want that. It's a complete turn off.
I don't know what to do. I want this to work out so bad but this revelation has broken my brain yet again. I'd love for someone to tell me this is fixable.
