Hello Forum People,
I haven’t been on this site for a while. DDay was 13 years ago, and it’s been probably somewhere around 6 years since I last posted. I doubt any of the same people are still hanging around from back then, but I thought perhaps an update was in order.
DD was 3 when XWW and I divorced. She’s 16 now, and by most measures she’s doing well. She does well in school in general, and excellently in some specific areas. She’s artistic and funny and creative and while there’s definitely some teenage rough edges at this stage of parenting, I think we have a good relationship. Certainly much better than I had with my parents at her age. I think we’re on a good track to be able to have the coveted parent/friend relationship when she’s an adult. I miss her childhood, but every new phase gives me something new to enjoy even as I leave other things behind.
The inability to create total consistency between mom’s house and dad’s house has definitely been suboptimal at times, but she’s never expressed a desire to stop switching. She seems to genuinely value her time with (and I imagine at times away from) both families. She has apparently been butting heads with her step-father, and… most of the time I think it’s his fault. I’m sometimes put in the awkward position where DD will come to me to complain about him and I have to sympathize without explicitly undermining him or letting on to the fact that I think he’s a bit of a dumdum (Seriously, he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer), but I will admit that there is a bit of satisfaction in knowing that one of the things that I stressed out about early on (specifically that XWW was trying to set her husband up as "New Dad") never really worked out.
XWW and I are actually doing quite well. After some very rough first few years, we’ve arrived in a good place. I’m not sure I can pinpoint exactly when the shift happened. Maybe it was after she had her second child with her new husband. Fights over first refusal or even custody stopped looming over our heads around then as I think she suddenly realized that having me as a partner in this whole parenting thing was actually a good thing. I think that she has changed and matured over time in a way that — while it hasn’t led her to regret or apologize for any of the shit she put me through — has led her to treat me better in the present. It’s not perfect, but I’ll take it.
Over time, our relationship has thawed and shifted in a way that I find very difficult to define. We’re not friends. We don’t hang out with each other for fun, mix social groups, spend time with each-other’s families. We keep our separate lives, but when we are together, when we do communicate, when we do have something to talk about related to DD, we’re… "chummy" I guess is the word I would use. We chat. We get along. We help each other out. We genuinely seem to enjoy each other in a way I really can’t figure out how to feel about.
I don’t intend to recap my entire story in this post, but suffice to say she was really awful to me in a way that arguably permanently damaged me and for which she never expressed the slightest regret or remorse. So being chummy with her feels weird in a way that clashes with my internal sense of justice.
But I think what I’ve realized over the years is that my internal sense of justice isn’t really relevant here. Doesn’t help me. Doesn’t hurt her. Doesn’t do any good for anyone. Someone might ask if I’ve forgiven her. And the answer is that I don’t think it matters.
All I know is that this current state of things feels better than one in which we are cold to each other or at loggerheads. So I just follow that feeling, just follow the path of least resistance and it seems to have landed us in a good place.
After the divorce, I made a career shift, and it’s been going well. I followed my musical dreams, and over the last decade I’ve built up a respectable career and even some prestige in my field. It feels good, and honestly I’m not sure if I’d have been able to do it if I had still been married to XWW. This is probably the biggest coup of my "new beginnings" phrase.
I forayed briefly into online dating in 2014 (6 dates. Went well enough, but was a dead end). Since then I haven’t dipped my toes in those waters, and haven’t really had the desire to. I’ve been enjoying my independence, and if I’m honest, I still do have some anxieties and insecurities when it comes to the idea of being in a relationship. I don’t know if I’ve decided that it’s just not for me or if I’m just permanently damaged by what happened with me and XWW. I suppose I’m theoretically open to meeting someone, but I don’t really know where or how, and I’m not going out and looking for it.
DD will be emancipated in a few years, and there’s a kind of freedom that comes with that, but as with all "empty nest" situations, it’s bittersweet. I’m interesting in seeing what the next stage of life brings me.
SI was invaluable in helping me get through the hell of betrayal and separation, and I made a connection with one person here in particular who became the closest of friends to this day. At a time when your intimacy has been broken and betrayed and brutalized by the most important person in your life, a safe community like this one is a literal lifeline, and I’ll forever be grateful for it. For those of you who are still in the thick of it, hang on, and keep supporting each other.
[This message edited by dbellanon at 4:11 PM, Thursday, July 30th]
