I haven't been here in a long time and things are still not going well between me and BS.
I admittedly haven't done well at rebuilding trust, having a few months ago secretly gone through her phone (I didn't find anything). I didn't come clean and admit what I'd done, I sort of threw it at her in an argument and she was understandably upset.
The last few weeks have been pretty awful in particular. Arguments happen, I keep getting accused of lying even when I'm not, she floods and ends up saying she wants a divorce. Then a few days later we make up, but both more hurt then before. I keep telling her to not say she wants a divorce to then go and change her mind later on - she says it's because she is emotionally flooding, can't trust me, feels I am still defensive and she feels it's the only thing she can say. For context she has developed complex ptsd, which I know is my doing.
There was an incident last week where 2 days after saying she wants a divorce, I got a notification she had logged into my old Facebook. I messaged and asked why as I was confused as we were supposedly getting a divorce. She said she had had a nightmare, needed to settle her gut as otherwise she would struggle to look after and be present for our kids that day. I said that can't have been nice and I gave her the code to log in. But then I sent a message that says "You need to decide what you want, if you want a relationship then you have this access if you don't then you won't have access".
She didn't respond so I tried to call her a few times. No answer so I text saying "Well make sure you let me know when you have finished phishing so I can close the account down again" and then a few mins later "Satisfied yet? Going to be closing it down shortly". Then she got logged out (I didn't do it purposefully), because I tried to log in so I could deactivate it as I worry people will see me online and start to message me - as its an old account I don't want that. She had been logged into my account for just under 15 mins. She text me to say fine then just don't worry and I replied "I'm doing nothing until you talk to me and if you aren't prepared to then nothing changes. You understand what you have just done could be considered as totally wrong. I'm more than happy for you to check it but I'm not doing this dance where you're just snooping through my stuff but then not actually engaging with me ESPECIALLY given you have told me you plan on divorcing me. Don't be getting a grump on with me, I've not prevented you I am just trying to understand what you are doing. Because do you really think you will be having access to my emails and life if you divorce me?". She replied with "No, I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. But the trauma you have caused me is having an impact, and as explained, I had a really awful nightmare last night that is plaguing me. I wanted to try and make myself feel better. You know, so I can continue my day, looking after our children. I'd have thought, just as a decent human being, you'd have been cool with that - not make it conditional. But fair enough, just reaffirms my decision that you're not someone I can be with. A decent human beings response, who wanted me to see the best side of them, would sound more like 'sure, I caused this. And I have nothing to hide. So please feel free and let me know if I can do anything'. I'm unsure where the issue is.
Or maybe it's on principle? I want a divorce, so no access immediately for me? What a great guy". The conversation went back and forth a bit but both generally saying the same thing.
Surely it's understandable that if we are divorcing, she doesn't just get free access to my accounts? I told her it's a boundary to protect my peace and I should have boundaries. We both should.
