SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I (M42) wrote this on D Day +2, been waiting all week for my profile to be approved.

I confirmed on Saturday 1/8 that my WW (F31) has been having an emotional affair with a man from work. I have suspected something was wrong since we got back from holiday in May, with no evidence as to what. I asked her then if we were OK, if there was anything wrong. She lied to me and said we were OK. I made myself vulnerable, and she lied.
Last weekend we were away with her family, I read messages on her phone while she drove. There were some pictures, one posing in lingerie. I had seconds to scan the words. Some made me feel physically sick. I scrolled to the very top. He had sent the first messages. I don't know how many, and I don't know for certain when it started. I think it was May '26, but can't be sure. There were dozens, maybe hundreds of messages, including from that day.
I asked her as I lay in bed feeling sick. "Explain [his name]"
She froze and said 'I can't'. I asked have you fucked him? No. Did you intend to? No. I didn't sleep. We walked together early the next morning. She said there has been nothing physical, that there was no single event, that there were flirtatious comments at work, which escalated. We got through the rest of the weekend. We both said that we wanted to be together, and that we wanted to work through this. I made it clear that this stops immediately. She agreed. We spoke at home on Monday 3/8. I asked for a copy of the conversation, she had already deleted it. Felt sick. Tried to look at Whatsapp backup, no success. She didn't want me to see the messages, for guilt and shame. I don't either really. I gave in, I didn't push it. I told her I had seen explicit messages. I asked her how many there were. 'A few.' How many? '3 or 4'. 4. She said, 4.
Her (gay M) friend knows something but not the extent. He told her she should talk to me.
She sent the no contact message. Blocked the number.
We agreed to look for MC tomorrow 4/8. As of now, we both want M to work. As of now, I won't tell anyone else.
I asked about intimacy. My libido is yoyoing. Discovered the concept of hysterical bonding, I understand the feeling. Don't know if she does (yet?). We spoke a little about the whys, I didn't want to push this until MC. It built up from talk, to messages. We had been half heartedly trying for kids, she came off birth control late last year, but more recently began having doubts about children. When she had a late period, but her gut feeling when it came was relief, not regret. She didn't want to 'confront' these feelings with me, so did with him. Said this was a boundary she knew was wrong to cross. Said because of long-standing confrontation avoidance, and that she thought my willingness to accept life w/o children was predicated on an inability to do so, rather than choice. I haven't cried or exploded (yet). Does writing it down calm or bring everything out? Difficult to say. I may not be the perfect communicator, but it is crushing that she couldn't even talk to me about doubts re kids. I know I have referenced my age and how is be an an old first time dad, but no kids is better than kids we don't both want. We've been married 2 years, together 7. To go from feeling uncomfortable talking to me about this, to an EA seemingly so easily, might be the most hurtful aspect. I feel a bit numb with that realisation.

It's now D day +6. We're still living together, and have booked MC for early next week. Neither of us know where to start. I've felt sick all week.

I’m so sorry this happened to you Thypity.

It’s a little slow here in August, but you’ll get great advice from the best club that no one ever wanted to join.

First things first, some near-term advice:

* take care of yourself physically. Remember to eat. If your appetite is gone, try protein shakes and power bars. Exercise daily. It will help you feel better, and it will also help you to sleep. If you can’t sleep, a doctor can give you sleeping pills. You can also seek out anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicine as needed.

* you need IC, not MC. Get a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma. Most people around here think MC is a waste of time in the immediate wake of an affair. As they say, your marriage didn’t cheat, she did.

* she should be in IC as well. She needs to figure out why she did this so she can make sure it never happens again

* get STD testing done. Make her get it done too. She’s clearly still hiding things by deleting the texts. Maybe it was guilt and shame, but maybe it was also because there were things in there that are not part of the story she’s telling you. Cheaters lie, especially right when they’re caught. Like, for example, she did in May. Getting tests done shows her just how badly trust has been broken. Trust but verify at this point. 4 explicit messages is probably missing some zeroes.

* see a lawyer at some point soon. To understand what a D would look like, not to get one. Get the information so you have it, it will remove one source of uncertainty from your life.

* contact the APs wife and let her know. For some reason people push back on this. Don’t. It’s the Golden Rule: you’d want someone to have told you sooner if they knew. It’s the right thing to do.

* she has to quit her job. What good is a NC message and blocking someone if you see them everyday at work? NC means NC. You cannot reconcile if she’s still seeing him. In fact, you can’t even really consider the A to be over.

Know this. You don’t have to decide anything within any specific timeframe. You can sit on the fence for as long as you want. Try to detach from the outcome, which means getting to a place where you know you’ll be ok whether you R or D. In the meantime, observe her. See if her actions match her words. Is she throwing herself into R? Is she reading books, listening to podcasts, trying to figure out on her own how to fix what she broke?

It’s not your fault. Cheaters cheat because of what’s wrong with them, not what’s wrong with their partner. Nothing you did or didn’t do would have prevented this. It’s not because of who you are or how old you are or anything. Don’t accept any kind of blame for her decision to cheat.

It’s really early days for you. The emotions will come, and they will be big, and it will feel like the worst rollercoaster you have even been on. Stay with us here, and we’ll try to help you through it.